Here are the things that I'm learning

I've felt for a while that the last seven months were meant to be a teaching moment. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn, but i know good and well there are some lessons in this...somewhere. 

In no particular order

1) I've been told time and time again (and felt so myself) that we are one lucky double to be as well off financially as we are. The thing is, being fortunate doesn't mean my feelings are invalid. It's natural to worry about the future. I shouldn't berate myself for being worried just because I am fortunate. They are not mutually exclusive. People of all economic, or social demographics worry about different things. The emotion is the same, and I can be empathetic to anyone who feels stressed. I feel like I have more perspective on this now. When someone who has more than me worries, I can see that it can come from a place of insecurity. When someone less than me worries, I can know that worry can be all consuming. 

2) I know that it's pointless to worry. I knew that before, really. But I've come to a place where I can say, if I'm meant to loose everything I own, then that's the way it will go down. I'm not in control. I certainly hope that we won't loose it all, but anything in life is possible. It's through His grace that we've had what we have now. 

3) Insecurity and depression are areas I need to work on. This might just be a dry run. Someday the stakes could be higher. Someday my mother will pass. My children may have illnesses. I could get sick. In many ways I could face greater hardships. While I'm not glad to struggle now, how horrible would it be to face those things without any practice in dealing with misfortune?

4) I need to keep planning for emergencies. Maybe I won't ever be the most frugal person on earth, but if ever there was a time to recognize the power of a savings account, this has been it. Whenever my husband does have an income, I will be looking at ways to increase our monthly savings. I'm not sure what that will look like, but it needs to happen, even if that means someday I'll need to change my own employment. 

5) I need to find better (and more) ways to keep on giving. Thinking about what would happen, how life would be if we didn't have savings to fall back on (or another financial disaster looming around the corner) I've thought about how so many people live on the edge. While I still maintain that we are relatively middle class, maybe upper middle class, but certainly not rich, the number of true middle income earners has been dropping. Not many people could float as well as we have (or maybe they could and I'm being elitist?) and if we needed help, what is out there available. Donating kids clothes, giving foods to charity, supporting charity organizations, it's all part of our financial portfolio that I want to work on. Considering I'm also aiming to increase savings, it may take a while before I figure all of this to, but I am 100% certain there is more that I can do. And while I can forgive myself for not doing more now, I know that when things stabilize a little bit more, I will have the strength to add more to my to do list. 

6) it's okay to cut back on commitments when I'm stressed. Not everyone is going to understand why I do, but self preservation is important. There is only so much energy I can place into the world, and I'm okay with prioritizing. Maybe as I figure out life a little more other things will reach a higher place in my life, but I need to be emotionally healthy for anything good to happen. 

I'm sure there are more lessons to learn, but those are the ones so far. I remain hopeful for the job search to be over soon, and prepared for it to continue. 

The light?

So, I am knocking on wood, and crossing my fingers, but there is a chance that we are at the end of the job search. A 3rd interview scheduled next week (but with a different hiring manager??) any and all prayers would be appreciated!

Counting my Blessings

Sometimes I forget how very fortunate I am. I get bogged down in the daily grind. I get frustrated because life doesn't go just how I want it to go. I have dreams that remain unfulfilled, and that nag at me sometimes. It's hard to chase all of your dreams when your partner has different dreams than your own...

But I got a glimpse of how very lucky I am to have a husband like I do. 

My friend's daughter has been very sick. She caught pneumonia and was in the children's hospital for an entire week recovering. My friend, not quite a single mother, didn't leave the hospital the entire time. Her husband has been fighting to save their marriage after my friend decided she was done. His actions didn't match his words, and she was ready to move on. To help her, I've been checking on the cat, dropped by the hospital once for a visit (tried to go another time, but it's been a fast moving week). 

And despite his efforts to pull it together, I'm so glad my husband is better than that. 

Her front steps were not shoveled, nor was her driveway. He wasn't checking on the cat at all, I needed to go feed the cat daily. He may have offered to take over at the hospital, I wasn't there, but she never felt like she could take a break, he wasn't an equal parent. Simply put, he wasn't the kind of partner my husband is to me. 

It was a glimple of living on your own. Of being responsible for everything. Of not having someone to help deal with the ice, or move the food from the refrigerator into the freezer. Not having someone you can trust your children with for a while, while you take a shower or run outside for some fresh air or some coffee. 

So, my marriage might not be perfect (I suppose very few are) but it's a good marriage, to a good man, who I am extremely grateful to have found. 

Crunching Numbers

Logic doesn't have anything to do with the panic I am feeling tight now. Just found out Gerd's potential unemployment payout amount, and fear has taken over all rational thought. Now, I KNOW we are okay. We have savings that would supplement unemployment. Gerd is generally pretty employable (I believe anyway). We have a severance package, and a tax refund coming to us (someday soon I hope). But none of that helps me when I realize Gerd's income would drop to 1/4th what his current earnings are. 

What we could pay for using unemployment benefits:

Our mortgage and utilities

Health Insurance

Reduced transportation and gas costs (because I still need to get to work!)

Which is all the good news. 

What we couldn't afford 

Car payment

Life insurance

FOOD (not above because the $150 for gas and transportation wouldn't be sufficient for a family of 4 for a month)

Preschool tuition

Charity

Doctor's copayments or my mental health appointments

Car insurance

Kids supplies or activities

Spending money

Any vet bills or savings for eventual vet bills

Among many other luxuries. 

Now, we do have savings, which means we can get by for a while supplementing with what we have (if we even run past the severance package pay period) but I cannot imagine what we would do (or what others do) if they don't have savings. 

It makes me want to restructure our lives so we could live on less...but realistically the only way we could do that would involve me working more, or us moving into a much less comfortable neighborhood, or both. 

So I'm trying to be extremely grateful we are as well prepared for this as we can be. And I'm praying for a good job for Gerd. And I'm trying to just breath right now. 

FitBit

My Christmas present was a Fitbit.  I've wanted one for a while, but really didn't think we should spend the money.  My iPhone has a fitness app on it, and I started tracking my steps, only to figure out that it just wasn't reliable.  I'm really happy with the Fitbit that we got (the Charge) since it can double as a watch. 

I find myself watching my steps all day.  I'm at 8,931 today, and 2093 of those were from a workout at the gym.  While I'm not at the 10,000 people said I would get to just by living the life of a stay at home(ish) mom, I think (considering it isn't the end of the day yet) that I'm not doing too badly.  I already suspected that I wasn't as active as I should be, but at least I probably will log in 8,000/day without a work out at the gym. 

Today was my first day of going gluten free again.  I dropped gluten, dairy, and sugar, which is really, really difficult to do (although I've done so before).  I'm not kidding myself, this isn't going to last forever, but I've really got to get out of the holiday pattern.  I'm quietly dieting, watching what I eat.  I'm unwilling to do the entire container method from the 21 day fix, but I'm trying to rely on my memory of what is or isn't allowed in a day.  Cutting out gluten should help anyway. 

I would like to say I'm just doing this for my health.  I mean, I am, so I'm healthier.  But I also want to loose a little weight too.  I may never look like my 20 year old self, but I want to look like my best 40 year old self!

Lets see how this goes!

Public Schools

Today, the kids had a pajama party at their public preschool.  When I arrived to drop them off, I found out they would be watching a video in school.  No notice given, no permission slip, and I still don't know what movie. 

When I mentioned to another mother that I was upset that they didn't notify us about the movie, she said that her kindergartner watches small TV clips EVERY DAY in Kindergarten.  TV, she said, is regular practice, and is used as "down time' for the kids.  I'm not so okay with that.  In fact, I'm pretty much freaking out.  First, that TV is used regularly in school anyway.  Second, that students need down time in Kindergarten.  Third, that down time gets associated with television rather than physical play. 

One of three things will happen if I find out this is true.  A) we will find a private school for the kids, B) I will homeschool them or C) we will move to Canada or Europe.  Well that last bit was already on the books in case Trump stands a chance as becoming president anyway. 

Maybe, if I hold the kids out until they're 6, I'll revise my opinion that they can go to a school that is so strenuous that they need TV to relax.  I wouldn't hold my breath on that one though.  Of course my husband totally thinks I'm overreacting, but I just can't see how any of this is what I want for my children.

Still Sad

I mentioned earlier in a blog post that I was actually looking forward to my 40th birthday. I suppose a part of that was also me looking forward to celebrating with friends and family, because I really, really wanted a special birthday this year. Originally, before my husband lost his job, I was considering a getaway to somewhere exotic. Ideally a getaway that would involve some of my closer friends, lots of massages, lots of drinks, and somewhere warm. Of course that idea was thrown out, although I still had hope that he would find something quickly and I could pull off a last minute trip somewhere. But of course that didn't happen. And then, my futile attempts to plan something completely fell through. I organized dinner and my own cake, my mother brought some decorations, at least there was something. But everyone knows I was disappointed (am disappointed) which isn't really what I want either. I suppose I should have just kept a thick upper lip.

 When I see my counselor, she tells me that when something bothers you, it usually relates to something deeper. It makes sense, if my birthday didn't somehow connect with some bigger emotion, I would probably be like, hey bummer, oh well. But I got to thinking about it all, and I can kind of see where this whole thing starts. Originally I thought it started with my wedding. Or lack of wedding. I was pregnant, and realized I wanted to be married before giving birth. I knew it shouldn't have mattered, but it did. So Gerd and I started planning a hasty wedding, camp style in the Adirondacks. We were on our way up there to look at sites for the wedding when I started to miscarry. After that, we decided we still wanted to get married, but my heart just wasn't whole enough to plan a real wedding. We thought we would plan a ceremony later, except we never did. I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle, but he told me it would be a fake wedding anyway, since I was already married, and I kind of lost the spirit. And I thought that was it.

But if I look back a little further, we get to my first wedding that didn't happen. I was engaged, the date was set (June 25th), venue reserved and paid for. I had a dress, booked the caterers, and was still working on invitations and entertainment. Then I got ordered to report to Ft. Huachuca, then Iraq for 545 days. When I tried to convince my then-fiance to elope, he said he wasn't ready (and then changed his mind, but for me it was too late, I wasn't willing to marry if there had been a question mark). When I arrived at inprocessing, I asked when we would actually deploy, if there would be any way for me to pull off our actual wedding before leaving. With their sidelong glances, I realized my actual deployment date was June 25th. It was interesting to see how organized everything really was. Sure enough, 4 months later, we arrived in Kuwait on June 26th (we left on the 25th).

There are very few opportunities we have for "life celebrations". Weddings, big birthdays, and funerals. And I suppose I could do something when I'm 50, or just randomly throw a party sometime, but for me this date was significant. And it feels like every chance I have to celebrate, something bad happens. War, miscarriage, job loss, well, my luck is not exactly stellar here. And I feel a little like I tried to play that trust building game where you fall back and someone's supposed to catch you, except they didn't. Individuals do care about me, and new friends like me, but nobody was there. Individuals say, lets grab a drink, lets get our nails done, lets go out another time, and that is meaningful and appreciated. But it does nothing to erase the sadness that stems from feeling like I have never, and never will be, surrounded by friends who I love and who love me. Perhaps I am not really loved, or even lovable. I've always wondered if people would even have come to my wedding if I'd actually had it. I kind of think they wouldn't have.

I realize how absurd it is to care about something like this when other people are worrying about putting food on the table, or sick kids, or any assortment of bad things that can happen in life. Heck, I should be more worried about Gerd's job search than whether or not I get a party. But it's pretty rare for me to open up my heart to the idea that people will care about me. After I got my heart broken the first time, I don't think I've been the same about trusting people with my heart. And I think I was doing a bit better. I was opening up again for the first time in a long, long time. I'm not sure why my ideals of people caring about me hinged on a birthday party (I suppose I've got a bit of work to do there) but I am truly, deeply hurt, in a way that is out of proportion with the situation. While I would like to believe I'll just get over it anytime now, there's something to this, deep enough, that I think this is something I'm going to carry around for a while. So I suppose right now I am just sitting with this, accepting that I'm hurt. And I'll figure out how to deal with it, later.