Composing in my mind

I've been writing on this blog for 7 years. Wow. That's crazy. The past 3 years have been pretty irregular, and I'm not going to say it'll get any better (to anyone who might actually be looking at this blog now and then...). But it's interesting to note that even when I'm not writing stuff down, I'm composing in my head. I wonder if I put everything down, what kind of brilliant thoughts I might actually have...

It's the dawn of a new school year. I back to mornings,and the kids will be in school part time, so it will be interesting to see what happens now that ill have a little time to myself. 

My guess is that the house won't actually get that much cleaner. Even with a new Au Pair on her way. 

I'm hoping I will find some time to simplify things. I think ill have to be stick with the no iPad during the day rule. I'm pretty sure I've been addicted to the internet for at least 15 years. 

Maybe I'll have time to sort out a few lingering problems that need to be solved. A will, a trust, a closer look at our retirement accounts. 

Maybe my house WILL get cleaner. 

Perhaps I'll read more. Hopefully something that keeps my brain active. Perhaps a devotional too. 

Maybe I'll do a crossword puzzle. Maybe I'll start writing again. 

I'm really hoping at least some of these things happen. 

Today is a day of looking forward, looking back, and letting go (specifically of one toxic relationship). Maybe I'll go make my lists now. Hope I can even find the list in a year!

An eye opening idea

I had an idea that grabbed ahold of me today, so I'm hurrying to write it down before I move on and forget. 

At work, I'm very conscientious about getting to school early. I need time to prepare for the day, ready my lessons and review my plans. Basically, I need time before I see my students. 

I don't do that with my children. I wake up only when they wake me up. This is a problem. My children are my most important students. I will begin setting an alarm clock again for the first time in years and years. 

I've been without a regular alarm clock for nearly 10 years. While I believe that waking up in one's natural rhythm is important, being prepared and ready for the day might just be more important. 

And maybe, if I do it right, I will start waking up before the alarm, and actually starting my day without 30 minutes of Facebook and email. 

Two hours

I'm pretty open about my internet addiction. The first thing I do in the morning is check my email, Facebook, and often the mom's forum I'm a member of, and often The "news" on Huff Post. All in all, maybe 10-20 minutes. 

I'm getting better about checking my phone throughout the day if I'm with the kids. Not perfect, but better. I find I'm on my phone more if I'm tired, stressed, or need a mini escape. If I run to the bathroom, I often grab my phone and scroll through status updates while on the potty. Unless a child joins me. Then I'm too busy trying to make sure they keep the door closed. 

When the kids are in bed, I move to my iPad. I check FB, surf the web, look up blogs, check the news again, check the mom's forum, and check my email again. This can easily run into 2 hours of screen time. 

I'm very aware that kids will pick up my internet habits like they pick up my eating habits. Whatever they see happen is what they will do. I really don't want my kids on screens 2 hours a day, but I'm not quite sure how to realistically limit my time on iPads. 

I've spent the last few weeks considering why and when I'm using my iPhone or iPad, and I've come to a few conclusions. 

A) I'm using an iPad as an escape. I'm often lonely, tired, and emotionally spent by the end of the day. If I wasn't surfing the web, I would be reading fluff romance novels, because I don't have the mental energy to do anything more, or "real". But honestly, I don't even have the patience to make it through a novel right now either. 

B) I've been connecting to online forums since I was 16 years old. Although it's not the "real world" there's a piece of me that really enjoys being an extroverted introvert. I'm a quiet person, but I have a voice on the internet. Sometimes too big a voice, but it enjoy having that voice. 

C) I have a list of things I think I would do if I didn't have an iPad, but I'm pretty sure I still wouldn't do them. When I was unemployed for a number of months right after leaving the military, I thought I would be able to get a ton of stuff done. Nope. You pretty much do what you do, and if exercise and self improvement were higher on my list, I would make time for them. 

D) Which means that my current need to relax, communicate, and escape must be met in a more productive way. I haven't figured out what that should look like yet.

E) What I DO know, is that I work best in routine, and will need to develop some other new routine if I have any hope of breaking this endless online time suck anytime soon.  

Overall, my iPhone has been a life changing instrument. I use the maps, text, email, calendar, and phone features daily. I no longer miss appointments or get lost. I keep in contact better with good friends, although it could be argued that I would have deeper, better conversations if I held off and called later, not the exact moment something popped into my mind while roaming through the grocery store. Still, I instantly know which brand of cheese to buy, or pick up that one item that I didn't know we were out of, without needing to make a second trip. 

I love using my iPad, and would hate to switch back to a laptop. But it's dying (after 4 years of steady use) and so slow it drives me crazy. Part of me wants to go buy another one so I can keep using a tool that I love. Part of me things it's a perfect time to break the addiction. 

I'm thinking of coming up with some sort of rules that I would want my children to abide by and follow them myself. But to do that I really need to consider what I think is a reasonable use of screen time. Yeah. So... Off to search the web for rules other parents put in place for screen time....

Changes brewing

Just when I got comfortable, and complacent, I find out here are some big job changes on the horizon for my husband. While they're still in progress, I felt an initial fear of"oh my goodness we're going to end up homeless!"  We aren't (by the grace of God and a decent severance package) going to end up homeless. 

Before, I've never minded too much the idea of moving. I've moved so often it's old hat. But I do feel like our current house is more home-ish than others, and I would be sad to need to move. We will just have to see how it goes. We want to stay local, so it's possible. But even local could mean a move to have a better commute to work. 

If we really did have to move farther away, my husband wouldn't mind California. Their droughts concern me, and I'm not a big fan of earthquakes, but otherwise like California a lot. But if we moved away, if rather it be Denver. A few hours from New Mexico, I could get back home once in a while. But I'm open to Berlin too, even though that lifestyle change would be a huge leap for me. 

But honestly, we've got it pretty good where we are now. Overall, I'm happy. I'll be even more happy when my husband's next job is lined up!

Looking Ahead to 40.

This month marks my self-imposed cutoff date. Well, I suppose I could extend one month, but right now, I'm not sure why I would. I decided that IF I would have another baby, I wanted it to be before my 40th birthday. Too many risks after that, and too much life to move onto. I wouldn't say I put much effort into making a 3rd child a reality, but the possibility remained. 

This week my hormones have been completely out of control. I suspect that as I get older, and my fertility window naturally begins to close, my PMS symptoms are worsening. I seriously entertained the thougt that this could be it, a 7th hour baby. But, no, I'm not pregnant, and I'm pretty sure having another child wouldn't be in the cards for us, even if I did extend my deadline. 

I have some melancholy moments, sad that I never did get the little girl I've always dreamed of having, but overall, I'm surprized to feel pretty okay with where I'm at. I suppose it helps to think that my body just got to an age where it isn't an option. Time just ran out. 

So I've decided to look at the positive and consider why I'm okay. 

1) Costs aren't going to go up. We are already juggling costs of an Au Pair and preschool, and all the other costs that go along with young children. We won't have to worry about that cost increasing even more. 

2) Gerd has more flexibility with his job. Working from home has been great for young children, and given my husband the flexibility to spend a lot of time with our twins. If I had had another child, I'm sure he would have wanted to hang onto his current job another year or two (and he still can) but he now can feel guilt free if another interesting job comes available. 

3) I can finally clear out my basement. In the back of my mind, I've thought that I shouldn't really get rid of any of our big ticket kid items, because what if I had another kid? Now I can really clear some stuff out that we won't need. It will definitely help with the Au Pair agency fee that we're looking at paying this summer. 

4) Traveling is only going to get easier. Since we make regular trips to see family, both in the states and abroad, travel is a big concern. We aren't going to have to worry about keeping twin preschoolers entertained while taking care of a baby. 

5) We can settle into a car of our choice. Maybe we will keep the CRV, or maybe we will trade it, but either way we won't be forced into a mini-van that neither of us really wants. 

6) I can finally look into a dermatologist and try to get adult acne under control. Many of the medicines are not okay if you're pregnant, so I haven't bothered, because if I did get pregnant, I would put a potential child at risk. 

7) In a similar vein, I can really start trying to put my body back together. I've been working out, but always cautiously, because even though logically exercise is good for you, emotionally I felt like if I didn't take it easy I might ruin my chances of getting pregnant. Gone are the excuses. 

8) I can start putting my own career back together. Right now I'm going with the status quo, but in a few years I'll be ready for a change, another baby would have delayed that change by another 2 years. 

9) Gerd and I can continue to carve out some time to be together without the kids. It's nice to go on a date sometimes!

10) I can finally let go of the dream. Hoping month after month is exhausting. I'll put an iud in and not wonder at the end of the month, could I be pregnant? I suppose it's hard to give up hope, but I'm working on changing my inner voice. 

It's the end of an age. I feel like the 30's were kind of a no mans land. Not quite young, not old, not exactly middle aged either. Staring at 40, it feels different. Instead of dreading it, I find myself looking forward to redefining who I am. I don't have to dread being middle aged, I simply AM middle aged. I hope to be a happy, active, considerate, giving, middle aged woman who is a loving mother, hard working employee, dedicated gardener, and good friend. Giving up on the dream of another child lets me focus on the me I want to become (well, as much as I can, I do still have young children!). I'm very happy to move into another phase of my life. 

Relieved to be paid in full

We made a very expensive mistake on our taxes a few years back and have been working at fixing it all. Finally, we have our penalty paid and we can move on. Such a relief. 

Living tight

Theoretically, we should be doing pretty well. While we have only 1 income (plus a very small second income from my part time work) we live in Boston.  I know where I could cut costs and live a little easier, but really, I'm fighting tooth and nail to make our money stretch where we want it to go. 

We will keep doing the following as long as it remains at all possible:

An Au Pair for this year, and potentially next year. It seems like the ultimate splurge, but the benefit of adding another German speaker to our household is huge. It's also a fairly affordable option for childcare. This year we paid the agency fee ($7000) from the proceeds of our house sale and then are only responsible for the monthly pay ($600) we give to Debbi. Sure, there are some hidden costs (like our car insurance rates) but other than that, we haven't seen a huge increase. Next year we will need to divide the agency fee into a payment plan, so our monthly cost will end up doubling ($1200) plus we will need to pay for preschool ($600-$900/month).  As we are deciding on preschools, we have pretty much realized that this will mean we can't choose some of our preferred programs, but we may be able to afford the public (lottery) program along with the Au pair, or 3 days a week at one of the more affordable nearby programs. We are also looking into ways to reduce the agency fee (finding someone who can come for 6-9 months instead of 12, or in-country transfers for someone who wants to experience a different setting). 

One trip to Germany a year. Well, this might be slightly adjusted. We may do one trip in 18 months. Our most recent trip was terribly expensive (flights alone ran up to $5000) since we now need 4 tickets. We will hold off until next summer, and make it a long trip. Summer trips are much easier, and much more fun. Gerd's grandmother is really starting to show her age (she's 101) but unfortunately, we just need to make the funding work. We said we would visit this summer is she was still hanging on, but I just don't see how we can make the money work, especially considering I don't get a salary in the summer. 

Organic food. Okay, I do compromise sometimes so that I don't dip into savings, but at least 80% of the time I buy organic. I'm now committed to also buying all non-gmo foods. This makes our food budget a bit higher than the average, but I'm pretty happy that we can feed 5 people and a cat on $800/month. Could I do better, probably, but it's a work in process. 

Charity. While we don't tithe a full 10%, we do tithe monthly. Our church does so many amazing things I want to continue to support their actions. 

Counseling. I need it, it makes me sane, therefore it stays in the budget. 

What we will give up:

Trips (like the one I'm on as we speak) that aren't to visit family. So far we have been able to carve out one vacation a year for just my husband and I. While they are budget trips, (everything must cost less than $1000, including travel, hotel, food, spending, car rental) it's still more than we will be able to spend in the next few years. Perhaps we can book a budget room somewhere within driving distance of our house or my mother's house, but our budget will be less than $200. No escape from the cold next year, let's hope it's an unusually warm winter. This will reduce our (enormous) travel budget from $700/month to $400/month. 

My gym membership. While it's great for me to exercise, I'm going to have to find new, less expensive ways to work out. Perhaps I can find a work out buddy, or pay for drop in classes, but I can't afford the  extra expensive right now. Because I currently am working with a personal trainer, this will save around $150/month

Eating out. Right now we have one date night a month, which I would like to keep, but it's not going to be to expensive restaurants. We also won't be able to just call for Chinese food when I'm too tired to cook (the danger of an autoimmune disorder). I will leave $50 in the budget for one very low cost date night and one "cheat night" if we really, really need it. This will save $100/month

Kids expenses. Diapers need to go. We will continue overnight diapers, but by 3, they need to stop using disposables during the day. We have cloth options if necessary, but it's just an expense that needs to go. Also, fun kid activities. Right now our kids are in 2 music programs, one in English, and one in German. They're also in a one day a week drop off program. This adds up to $250/month. 

Personal spending budgets. This will be my biggest challenge. I will keep some money in the budget, but I really need to reduce what I spend on myself. Haircuts, pedicures, clothes, a coffee with friends, I don't do this every day, but I almost always go over my $150 monthly allowance. My plan is to budget this with an envelope system and really stick to a smaller budget. This will save about $100/month. 

If you've added this all up, I'm now saving $900/month (plus the $600 we currently spend) so a total budget of $1500. Real cost will be $1800 to $2100 so I have a little work to do. I expect this to come from our savings/credit card bills/miscellany fund, or perhaps from savings. Or we cut the agency fee and it will work out fine... It's a work in process...