Well that was a waste of time. New counselor who, when we get to the end of the session says that she don't know how to proceed with me. Could be because I said I didn't really like how the session went, we were off track the whole time describing different parts of my life, but nothing specific or important. I tend to get easily sidetracked and need someone to keep me focused. I can blab for hours about life, and I'm interesting, so people tend to listen.
Maybe if I hadn't said anything about being off track our next session would have been better. Perhaps after I'd gone through my whole life history she would have gotten around to figuring out what I need or how to proceed. I don't know. What I DO know is that I'll be looking around for someone who DOES know how to proceed and who can get past the introductory fluff. Someone who knows what she should be looking for within the discussion and who can repeat back to me the concerns that I have.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
What's at the Heart of It?
If you've been following my writing for the past few months I think you'd see the following trends:
First, I've become more and more negative towards myself and I've been trying to analyze WHY.
Second, I've been looking at making my life a bit more sustainable and friendly to the environment.
I started writing again because I believed, and still believe, that writing seems to be good for me, no matter what else is going on. What I've discovered over the past few months is that there are two sides to me (well, actually there are way more than two sides to me, but for practical purposes I'll discuss only two) that are striving to be heard.
There's the side of me that's desperately trying to live a normal life that aligns to my ideals and goals and there's the side of me that is insecure and self destructive. I hate to quote Paula Abdul, but it's like my life is two steps forward and one step back. There is progress I suppose, but I'm always looking at that one step back rather than the progress I've made.
I've found a new counselor who actually accepts my insurance that I'll see later today. I think I'm getting to the point where I'd be willing to try medications for a while. I've tried to eat well, exercise, involve myself in community, and do all the holistic things necessary to pull myself out of this spiral, but lately I've not even been trying to keep up with all things healthy. I don't know maybe something will click back into place and I'll be increasingly happy all of the sudden. Vitamins sure helped a lot.
I'd really like for this blog to be more about positive things, like me trying to build a solar oven next weekend, or a trip to New York (I had a great time over the weekend).
Every single woman in my family either is, or has been on, some sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medicine. EVERY one of them. I've come to believe that I'm not just working against PTSD (although that's there too). I'm working against a genetic makeup that gives me a prevalence for depression.
If I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life something is going to have to change. It may just be my own attitude about it. I'm half convinced that my stress over my mental state is related to a belief in what is "proper" for me.
I certainly have other issues with "proper". That's why I get so mad at bad drivers in Boston (don't they know they can't make a left turn from the far right lane?). It's against the rules....
Despite my mother's effort to raise me "improper" somehow it didn't work. I still manage to judge myself against some invisible standard that I can never see or accurately measure myself against.
So somehow I need to redirect myself BACK to a place where I can talk about my daily life in a non-judgemental way that helps me process life's trails in a way that brings me closer to my own goals of a simple, sustainable, and loving life.
First, I've become more and more negative towards myself and I've been trying to analyze WHY.
Second, I've been looking at making my life a bit more sustainable and friendly to the environment.
I started writing again because I believed, and still believe, that writing seems to be good for me, no matter what else is going on. What I've discovered over the past few months is that there are two sides to me (well, actually there are way more than two sides to me, but for practical purposes I'll discuss only two) that are striving to be heard.
There's the side of me that's desperately trying to live a normal life that aligns to my ideals and goals and there's the side of me that is insecure and self destructive. I hate to quote Paula Abdul, but it's like my life is two steps forward and one step back. There is progress I suppose, but I'm always looking at that one step back rather than the progress I've made.
I've found a new counselor who actually accepts my insurance that I'll see later today. I think I'm getting to the point where I'd be willing to try medications for a while. I've tried to eat well, exercise, involve myself in community, and do all the holistic things necessary to pull myself out of this spiral, but lately I've not even been trying to keep up with all things healthy. I don't know maybe something will click back into place and I'll be increasingly happy all of the sudden. Vitamins sure helped a lot.
I'd really like for this blog to be more about positive things, like me trying to build a solar oven next weekend, or a trip to New York (I had a great time over the weekend).
Every single woman in my family either is, or has been on, some sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medicine. EVERY one of them. I've come to believe that I'm not just working against PTSD (although that's there too). I'm working against a genetic makeup that gives me a prevalence for depression.
If I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life something is going to have to change. It may just be my own attitude about it. I'm half convinced that my stress over my mental state is related to a belief in what is "proper" for me.
I certainly have other issues with "proper". That's why I get so mad at bad drivers in Boston (don't they know they can't make a left turn from the far right lane?). It's against the rules....
Despite my mother's effort to raise me "improper" somehow it didn't work. I still manage to judge myself against some invisible standard that I can never see or accurately measure myself against.
So somehow I need to redirect myself BACK to a place where I can talk about my daily life in a non-judgemental way that helps me process life's trails in a way that brings me closer to my own goals of a simple, sustainable, and loving life.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Improper
In medieval dancing "improper" refers to the order of women and men within a set of dancers. In "proper" form women all line up on one side while in "improper" sets every other couple switches places...man, woman, man, woman, man woman, and so on.
I'm not entirely sure why it's improper, but I suppose it relates to the medieval sense of order and propriety.
But I've been wondering lately about the difference between proper and polite.
I was raised to be polite, but not necessarily proper. I don't think there's a proper bone in my mother's body. Raised on a farm, a Navy veteran and a lawyer, she never has attempted, or desired to fit into a "proper" role.
That does not mean she is impolite. I was taught that thank you letters and Christmas cards and nice conversation with the grocery store checkout clerk are all things that our family does because we are a devote Christian family who values the ideals of Bible and Church.
But I think there's some overlap between polite and proper.
For instance, is a Christmas card polite or proper? We send cards because it's what people do. If it's what people do, isn't that proper? I could easily NOT send cards and still be polite to my friends and family. But without showing everyone that I'm thinking of them during the holidays aren't I being a bit impolite as well?
My step-sister never misses a birthday, a holiday, or a thank you note. I wish I could be so organized and devoted. I *sometimes* remember Christmas cards and thank you letters (although I usually at least make a thank you phone call) and I'm terrible about birthdays.
I guess I'm concerned when I forget cards or presents or birthdays that I'm not living up to some standard I expect of myself. To which I say, do I really care about being proper? I guess I care more than I thought I did.
And I wonder, if I have children, what I would teach my children about "proper". I would hate to limit my children, which to some degree I think of with "proper", but I would also want my children to be polite (in society's eyes as well as my own). Fortunately I have some time to think about it all.
I'm not entirely sure why it's improper, but I suppose it relates to the medieval sense of order and propriety.
But I've been wondering lately about the difference between proper and polite.
I was raised to be polite, but not necessarily proper. I don't think there's a proper bone in my mother's body. Raised on a farm, a Navy veteran and a lawyer, she never has attempted, or desired to fit into a "proper" role.
That does not mean she is impolite. I was taught that thank you letters and Christmas cards and nice conversation with the grocery store checkout clerk are all things that our family does because we are a devote Christian family who values the ideals of Bible and Church.
But I think there's some overlap between polite and proper.
For instance, is a Christmas card polite or proper? We send cards because it's what people do. If it's what people do, isn't that proper? I could easily NOT send cards and still be polite to my friends and family. But without showing everyone that I'm thinking of them during the holidays aren't I being a bit impolite as well?
My step-sister never misses a birthday, a holiday, or a thank you note. I wish I could be so organized and devoted. I *sometimes* remember Christmas cards and thank you letters (although I usually at least make a thank you phone call) and I'm terrible about birthdays.
I guess I'm concerned when I forget cards or presents or birthdays that I'm not living up to some standard I expect of myself. To which I say, do I really care about being proper? I guess I care more than I thought I did.
And I wonder, if I have children, what I would teach my children about "proper". I would hate to limit my children, which to some degree I think of with "proper", but I would also want my children to be polite (in society's eyes as well as my own). Fortunately I have some time to think about it all.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Bar Shampoo Review
In my continued effort to reduce, reuse, and recycle I've turned to bar shampoo.
Shampoo that comes in bar form has the advantage of smaller packaging and, generalizing here, the ingredients are more e-co friendly. They don't need additional chemicals to keep it in liquid form, so there are less ingredients than other gel forms.
I was a bit skeptical at first because I imagined taking a bar of Dial to my head and scrubbing. Fortunately, that's not the way it works. My favorite shampoo is Blondie by Lush. It almost melts in your hands, in fact I keep it in a small tupperware container to prevent shower water from using it all up. You choose how much you want by how much you lather onto your hands, same as a normal shampoo.
The only reason I switched to JR Liggett's was because I was out of Blondie and Lush products are international while JR Liggett is produced in New Hampshire. The ingredients of both products are pretty global, I suppose there's no real way around that yet (even the early colonists had to import soap or lye for soap), but I wish I could find something made from top to bottom within the U.S.
Liggetts isn't quite as nice as Blondie. It's harder to work the bar into a lather, and after shampooing it feels like my hair is almost too clean. It definately feels like it strips everything off of my hair. The advertisment says that most people don't need conditioner. I don't know who they think they're fooling, I need twice the conditioner just to get a comb through my hair. Of course, I have very fine hair that tangles easily. I do have to admit that after conditioner my hair looks pretty good though.
I still think I'll go with Blondie next time. It may be international, but so is JR Liggett if you discuss the ingredients, and I can choose exactly how much I want (they cut a bar for you in the store). Packaging is even more minimal since I can choose to not have it wrapped and bring my tupperware along. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to liquid shampoo.
http://www.lushusa.com/shop/products/hair/solid-shampoos
http://www.jrliggett.com/
Shampoo that comes in bar form has the advantage of smaller packaging and, generalizing here, the ingredients are more e-co friendly. They don't need additional chemicals to keep it in liquid form, so there are less ingredients than other gel forms.
I was a bit skeptical at first because I imagined taking a bar of Dial to my head and scrubbing. Fortunately, that's not the way it works. My favorite shampoo is Blondie by Lush. It almost melts in your hands, in fact I keep it in a small tupperware container to prevent shower water from using it all up. You choose how much you want by how much you lather onto your hands, same as a normal shampoo.
The only reason I switched to JR Liggett's was because I was out of Blondie and Lush products are international while JR Liggett is produced in New Hampshire. The ingredients of both products are pretty global, I suppose there's no real way around that yet (even the early colonists had to import soap or lye for soap), but I wish I could find something made from top to bottom within the U.S.
Liggetts isn't quite as nice as Blondie. It's harder to work the bar into a lather, and after shampooing it feels like my hair is almost too clean. It definately feels like it strips everything off of my hair. The advertisment says that most people don't need conditioner. I don't know who they think they're fooling, I need twice the conditioner just to get a comb through my hair. Of course, I have very fine hair that tangles easily. I do have to admit that after conditioner my hair looks pretty good though.
I still think I'll go with Blondie next time. It may be international, but so is JR Liggett if you discuss the ingredients, and I can choose exactly how much I want (they cut a bar for you in the store). Packaging is even more minimal since I can choose to not have it wrapped and bring my tupperware along. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to liquid shampoo.
http://www.lushusa.com/shop/products/hair/solid-shampoos
http://www.jrliggett.com/
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I like the guy
I like the governor who skipped town and cheated on his wife, not I'm not supporting cheating on your wife. He has such an element of humanity about him. Married 20 years, four kids, stressful job, it seems to me like he needs a hand, like he was struggling to get by.
Everyone flipped out when he didn't contact the world for 4 days. If he HAD been hiking in the Appalachians, I think that's admirable. Since he wasn't, it's not quite as likable, but also not a crisis. The legislative session is out, he's got a staff of workers, isn't the guy allowed a vacation? I will admit he should have told someone he was leaving. To me it's more evidence that he was cracking up.
We, as a country, are so interested in staying in contact, minute to minute. Unless there was some state or national emergency (which I presume he was looking into daily since he returned after reports of his disappearance surfaced) would anything really matter enough for him to address RIGHT THEN?
This guy is not a womanizer. He's "in love" with two women (if he really knows what love is). My guess is that he really was crushed when his wife didn't say" her or me" and instead made the choice for him. Otherwise I think he would have told people he was going on vacation and made sure to cover up his actions.
I hope he figures out that he really does love his wife, because I'm guessing he does. AND I hope he doesn't resign his position. Too often we focus on personal mistakes rather than on job strengths when we look at U.S. government officials. It sounds like he was doing a good job before all of this. If France's president can divorce his wife and remarry while maintaining the duties of the presidency, surely the governor can do his job too?
I'd rather have a dedicated public servant whose love life is a mess than a spotless politician who focuses primarily on keeping his reputation clean.
Everyone flipped out when he didn't contact the world for 4 days. If he HAD been hiking in the Appalachians, I think that's admirable. Since he wasn't, it's not quite as likable, but also not a crisis. The legislative session is out, he's got a staff of workers, isn't the guy allowed a vacation? I will admit he should have told someone he was leaving. To me it's more evidence that he was cracking up.
We, as a country, are so interested in staying in contact, minute to minute. Unless there was some state or national emergency (which I presume he was looking into daily since he returned after reports of his disappearance surfaced) would anything really matter enough for him to address RIGHT THEN?
This guy is not a womanizer. He's "in love" with two women (if he really knows what love is). My guess is that he really was crushed when his wife didn't say" her or me" and instead made the choice for him. Otherwise I think he would have told people he was going on vacation and made sure to cover up his actions.
I hope he figures out that he really does love his wife, because I'm guessing he does. AND I hope he doesn't resign his position. Too often we focus on personal mistakes rather than on job strengths when we look at U.S. government officials. It sounds like he was doing a good job before all of this. If France's president can divorce his wife and remarry while maintaining the duties of the presidency, surely the governor can do his job too?
I'd rather have a dedicated public servant whose love life is a mess than a spotless politician who focuses primarily on keeping his reputation clean.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Health Care
Our health care system is rotten.
I went to my annual doctor's appointment in November of last year and the poor office hasn't been paid yet. First the insurance company claimed that the visit was for a preexisting condition (yes I've been a female all my life) and then, after a few phone calls from me and the doctor's office, CIGNA wanted me to provide a certificate of credible coverage that demonstrated that I'd been covered at least 5 months previous the date of my coverage with their company. No problem, I did so, but the issue wasn't resolved.
I then went to my counselor, which I figured would be a good idea since I have PTSD that really needs to be dealt with regularly. Same issue, still unresolved.
It turns out that some employee at CIGNA stapled my certificate of credible coverage to one individual claim and failed to update the entire plan coverage information, so every claim I make remains unpaid because they have no proof that I was covered before being insured by these clowns. To which I say, why the hell do they even need to know I was covered 6 months ago? They try to weasle out of paying claims and delay the process as long as possible.
Can I resolve this, absolutely. But the more I deal with this the more I believe we need to do SOMETHING about our health care industry.
Why don't we pay for doctor's educational loans, limit malpractice to realistic values and then make "insurance" coverage a NON-PROFIT organization. Isn't there something inherantly wrong about people making money off of your health?
I went to my annual doctor's appointment in November of last year and the poor office hasn't been paid yet. First the insurance company claimed that the visit was for a preexisting condition (yes I've been a female all my life) and then, after a few phone calls from me and the doctor's office, CIGNA wanted me to provide a certificate of credible coverage that demonstrated that I'd been covered at least 5 months previous the date of my coverage with their company. No problem, I did so, but the issue wasn't resolved.
I then went to my counselor, which I figured would be a good idea since I have PTSD that really needs to be dealt with regularly. Same issue, still unresolved.
It turns out that some employee at CIGNA stapled my certificate of credible coverage to one individual claim and failed to update the entire plan coverage information, so every claim I make remains unpaid because they have no proof that I was covered before being insured by these clowns. To which I say, why the hell do they even need to know I was covered 6 months ago? They try to weasle out of paying claims and delay the process as long as possible.
Can I resolve this, absolutely. But the more I deal with this the more I believe we need to do SOMETHING about our health care industry.
Why don't we pay for doctor's educational loans, limit malpractice to realistic values and then make "insurance" coverage a NON-PROFIT organization. Isn't there something inherantly wrong about people making money off of your health?
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