I'm sure everyone thinks that I haven't written because I haven't had any time, considering I just had twins. Not really. Sure time is tight, but that's not really it. I just needed a bit of time to contemplate everything that just changed. I've probably written hundreds of posts in my head over the past two months, but couldn't quite commit them to written words.
I wouldn't say that I had post-partum depression, those are strong words. I would say the first few weeks were a bit of an adjustment, and some of my first thoughts were...what the hell did I just do?! Of course that didn't last, but I wasn't really sure how I was going to handle two infants...I'm still not sure how it's going to go when I take over on my own. So far there's been a two on two rule. My mother or my mother-in-law have been here to be a second set of hands.
There's just been so much emotional stuff going on, I wasn't sure how I could write about it. First my grandmother dies, then I give birth, without an epidural (which was a bit traumatic at the time), then I have two babies to take care of, and then my cat has to be put down, we took a road trip to my grandmother's memorial, my in-laws visited, my property manager in New Mexico didn't tell me my house wasn't rented and my bank account went negative, AND I discovered that I'm happy.
For so long my only means to communicate has been to complain. That's what friends do, discuss problems, right? Well, I'm trying to look forward to happy conversations...I just have to learn how to hold conversations again, because I'm happy.
I don't know if it's because I have kids after a long time not having kids, or if it's the fact that my thyroid was messed up and is now regulated, or if it's just that I'm no longer pumped up with pregnancy hormones, or if it's that I don't have to worry about work, or being on time, or anything other than taking care of babies (which isn't too much of a hardship since they're so sweet!).
So perhaps I'll find a way to write about everything that's going on, but so far it looks like I'll need time to contemplate.
