Belly Bars

I don't like taking vitamins. It's not that I don't think they're valuable, just that I can't seem to remember to take anything in pill form.

My husband and I would like to have kids. Who knew I'd actually get my ducks in a row someday? Usually I do things out of order, but we got married, are buying a house, kids should come next, right? Well, we can hope anyway.

But back to the vitamin issue. If I want to get pregnant I should be taking prenatal vitamins. That is, after all, why they call them "prenatal". BUT, if you should look at these vitamins they're like horse pills. They're huge, not tasty, and don't go down all that well. To make matters worse they make me queezy unless I've had food with them.

My plan was to take kids chewables. I'm not too bad at taking them, and although they've got a bit of extra sugar, I'm thinking the amount in one pill is not too significant. But then I have to worry about folic acid and all that other stuff. Sure, I could try to monitor my diet, but I'm not too sure about my ability as a non-nutritionist to do so.

And while walking in Walgreens I found Belly Bars. The box says "Packed with key prenatal nutrients, Bellybar satisfies your need for something nutritious and your craving for something delicious. And it delivers the essential iron, folic acid, calcium, and Omega-3 DHA that you and your baby need".

Their website claims "The Bellybar team works with nutritionists and medical advisors who are knowledgeable about and extremely experienced in prenatal nutrition. Our research suggests that if you eat a healthy diet, one Bellybar daily will provide the supplemental nutrients needed for normal pregnancies. You get vitamins in most of the foods you eat, and we have identified the nutrients needed to "fill the gap" for most women. However, as with any important decision regarding your pregnancy and nursing, you should consult your health care provider to discuss your individual nutritional needs."

Check with your doctor. I don't know any doctor that would say abandoning a vitamin for a nutrient bar is a good idea. I'm not sure they COULD say that, even if it was a good idea. BUT if I can't seem to take a vitamin I'm wondering if this is a realistic alternative, at least for now. I'm not pregnant so I don't have to worry about what the kid would be getting ...yet. The nutrient information says it delivers 100% of the iron needed in a 2000 calorie diet, 200% of folate (is that folic acid?) and 50mg of Omega 3. With the amount of milk and cheese we eat I'm not too worried about calcium.

They have 180 calories each, so they're a significant snack, but I tried one and it didn't taste hideous. I'm not endorsing this product, I'm not even sure I'm going to use this product, but it has peeked my curiosity. Any thoughts on this product?

***I was not paid for this review

Good News, Bad News

We got home from signing our Purchase and Sale agreement to the new house to find a summons on our doorstep. Not for us. For our owner.

But being snoops that we are, and the package open, in front of our doorstep, we decided to read it. We thought it would be from our homeowner's association, considering he hasn't been paying his dues and the association asked us to pay them our rent instead of the landlord. We didn't because he said he sent the check in, but that's beside the point.

No, this summons is from two of our landlord's other tenants. Apparently they're having difficulty getting their deposits back and he's not paying moving fees he agreed on with the other tenants. He had the other tenants move out early so he could sell the place.

So on a positive note, we're out of here soon. On a negative note, he's got stuff of ours in storage and has a history of not paying out what's due. Lets see if we get our deposit back, or our belongings for that matter.

How many cookies?

It's that time of year for me when I look back at Christmas instead of looking forward to it. Every year there are WAY too many presents under the tree, even after perpetual affirmations by the entire family that we are NOT going to buy many gifts. And I guess we didn't, if you look in the comparative sense.

If you take away the Nature Mill indoor composter (which I know was expensive), I had a handful of inexpensive presents from both my parents and my husband, but they were all great gifts. Lots of books that I wanted, and some I didn't know about, a few new pieces of clothing, a few sentimental trinkets (like the handthrown mug I coveted while wedding shopping for a friend) and a handy iphone battery life extender. My husband fared about the same although his big gift was a seriously needed new laptop case. His favorite gift was a hand carved saguaro rib walking stick that my step-father made for himself over 30 years ago.

But if I had to estimate the amount of money we spent between my husband and I, I would have to say we spent about $500. That's WAY over the $100 challenge that I keep saying I'd like to do some year. While I'm sure I could get down to $100 per PERSON, I just keep seeing things I'd like for everyone. And because I start shopping early I just keep adding to the pile.

While I like the IDEA of a compact, less commercial Christmas it reminds me of some people I know who deliberately live in poverty. At least one of the people I'm thinking of cuts expenses so they can live below the poverty line and not pay taxes for war. That's some dedication. But when people decide, deliberately decide, to live poor, I'm always reminded that it affects other people too. A friend who makes little fails to bring a dish at the pot luck because they don't have the money, I loan out the car and it's returned without the gas refilled. Small things, but they lead to feelings of resentment.

And when I think about cutting back on how much I spend I wonder if I would be that person. The one who takes more than they give. How difficult it is to be qui pro quo in gift giving.

And if I sound ungrateful, I'm not. More like trying to justify how much fun it is to get a bunch of nice presents. :)

Poor Girl, Poor World

Caitlen Watkins, 18 years old, stabbed a guy 6 times with an ice pick after he took the parking spot she'd been waiting for outside of a shopping mall..

I'm not sure if she hit him because her boyfriend was in a fistfight with the spot-stealer, or if she planned it out after he ignored her verbal diatribe. Either way, she, and her boyfriend, were out of the car, in a physical scuffle, had an ice pick, and a previously innocent girl hit the guy a few times. The spot-stealer hit her in the face so she picked him a few more times, he collapsed, and the teens drove off.

Regardless of whether she's right or wrong, I feel bad for Caitlen Watkins. Her rage drove her over the edge, and there's really no going back. Will she go to jail? Will she get anger management classes? What will her future look like?

And why does an 18 year old do such a thing? Has shopping become so frenzied an experience that it causes this time of outrage? Are limits and boundaries disappearing among people as they determine what a person should or should not do?

I certainly know road rage. And I definitely know the feeling that you just HAVE to make a wrong-doer understand that what they're doing is unjust. After all, no one else, the law included, is going to stop a guy from being selfish or rude, or from stealing a parking spot. And I imagine that, for a brief moment, it might have felt good, to have served a bit of justice.

But would I stab a guy who took my spot. No, I hope not. But I can imagine being livid. I just have the good luck of knowing where to draw a line. You would hope that an 18 year old would also know when to walk away. But would they?

Would they know with the way we run society now? The lack of laws on the road, the emphasis on individual gain, the importance of having more of everything, and the sense of entitlement that comes hand in hand with the wealthy. And despite our recession, we are a wealthy nation. But we're a threatened wealthy nation who has seemed to have forgotten what limits are, and why sometimes limits are good.

So is this just one tragic story? Or is this a precursor to continued teen violence from kids who don't know anything about control? Or is this something that's been going on a while, and only the far fetched stories draw our attention now that we're so jaded to the problems of our world.

Half optimistic, half pessimistic, I want to believe the best of the world. A balance of good and bad have always existed in the world, why must there be a tipping point now? But historically speaking there always has been one. We're just waiting now, to see what that will look like, but we could choose which way we want to tip.

Social physics. What goes up, must come down. To every action there is an opposite reaction. An object in motion stays in motion. Which one will we choose? And which one will Caitlen Watkins choose for her future?

Uh, strange?

So I really want a job. And I'm surprised to find that I want an office job. I don't know if that'll change, I enjoyed teaching and lesson plans, but for now, I just want a job I can go to regularly, do work, and get paid for it. I don't want conflict with students, I don't want stress over grading papers on time. I just want a job where I can feel useful and go home not feeling exhausted.

And I found a job online that I think would be perfect. It's a part time job in the admissions department of a local college. It's not a large college, more like a four year program for technologies. I applied, but then though I'd look up their website to see when they were back in session and figure out when they might be hiring.

That caused a problem. The website isn't working (strange for a college designed around computers). So I tried the phone number, and got the police. I think it must have been campus police, but still, strange. I asked how I'd get ahold of human resources and the person on the other end said they'd be back in January. I'm guessing their website won't be back up until then. Anyone else find that a bit odd?

Ah well, noting ventured, nothing gained.

Bidding War

I spent part of the day exploring my new (hopefully) neighborhood.

I wanted to find, and did find:

A local cafe with sweets and coffee
A library
A church I'd feel comfortable attending
A gym
A park
Transportation to and from my favorite food stores

And as I got used to the idea of this new neighborhood apparently someone else did as well. Now we're in a bidding war. I can only hope this will work out well. What STRESS! I forgot what a huge pain it is to buy a house.

Reality

So we just put an offer on a house. We're excited, but it is also sort of a reality check too.

First, we're actually buying a house without a garage, or parking for that matter. We have to rent a parking spot across the street. And it's just one spot. Not a lot of parking on the street, so this is me really going carless.

And it's me going carless a mile from a T station. There are buses, one that goes to the T, another two that go downtown, and one that goes to the retail strip with Target/Home Depot/Old Navy, etc.

The price is more than I had hoped we would spend, but it's a realistic price. With a realistic price will have to come a realistic lifestyle. While we won't be giving up our local foods it will be harder to get to them. Getting to the farm will also be more difficult. If we could find an additional parking spot for sale life would be easier, but also more expensive.

Traveling for the holidays is looking pretty grim for my husband. He's used to going home for Christmas and New Years. Although we'd already planned on Christmas in the States, he'd really been looking forward to New Years overseas. Tickets are already nearing the $1000 mark. While he can get his ticket free from work (nice travel budget perk worked into his contract) my ticket is on us. I keep saying we need to plan ahead.

Planning is not my husband's forte. This may mean more solo trips by Gerd to the continent while I stay home. I told him that he should go along for New Years and he said he didn't want to go without me. That's sweet and also super nice considering how much I hate New Years with all the fireworks. We have somewhat of a tradition, he plays the guitar for me and tries to distract me from all the noise. Anyway, getting off topic.

I don't think we could find a cheaper house that's still in the city. So, we'll be going from feeling pretty affluent to feeling pretty average. But I think that can be a good thing. The adventure in Boston is about to turn into the life in Boston. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

Cookies and Revels

For a relaxed, uneventful weekend, this weekend was pretty busy and eventful. We weren't supposed to do anything but kick back and enjoy being home. I'm not too good at that.

Saturday I woke up early so I could clean and go to the grocery store before going to look at more houses. My husband woke up and called me, "Where are you?". By the time he made it out of bed I'd managed to do two loads of laundry, clean the kitchen, and go to two different stores.

We managed to get a layer of cat hair off of most of our belonging before heading out to look at a couple of houses. A lot of promise in one of those houses, better neighborhood, more space, BIG yard, Victorian detail...the payoff? Only one rental parking space, one mile from the T stop (bus down the street runs that way) and, of course, it's more expensive.

So I scooted off to Yoga, met 4 would be yogis and headed home with 3 of them to make Christmas cookies. This is where the confusion started. See, they thought we were going to do only one batch of cookies. Oh no no no, that's not how you do Christmas cookies. We made 3 different types in 2 hours and planned to do more but everyone was too tired to go on. Myself included.

Fortunately one friend mentioned that I'd see her tomorrow volunteering for the Revels. Good thing she mentioned it, I thought it was the NEXT Sunday. Oops.

So I grudgingly went to Sander's Theater and reported at noon as ordered. It was worth it. Free $54 ticket for an hour of CD sales before hand, during intermission, and a little while after the show. I always wonder what I should do during intermission anyway.

The Revels themselves are difficult to explain. A mix between choral performances, short skits, dances, sing-a-longs, and stories. The group is thematic and includes adults and children and is focused on celebrating the changing of the seasons. This performance, called Christmas Revels, celebrated Christmas/Solstice traditions of Shakers, Appalachia, Southern Gospel, and Native Americans. You wouldn't think they'd all fit together, and at times I thought they could have pulled one or two songs out, but overall they melded it all together better than you would think.

Something I noticed from the Summer Sing-A-Long is that they focus on similarities between cultures. This performance was no different, they looked at the Cheery Tree (Shaker), the Tree of Life (Native America), the Christmas Tree (Appalachia ) with a message that the darkness/coldness can never fully drive out goodness/warmth. There is always hope for the future. Of course they did this while also intermixing several traditional Christmas songs as well. Christ was portrayed as the hope of the world by Christian traditions as Native American songs showed family as that same light of hope. It was well done.

The whole thing made me want to sing again. I want to dance again. I decided right then and there I'd go to Contra dance on Thursday. Too bad I woke up this morning and realized I'll be in New York that evening to visit a New Mexico friend who'll be visiting.

Pizza

Well,

I had my cheap organic menu planned for the week but the moment my husband walked through the door I knew quinoa was NOT going to be on the night's menu. That's okay, keeps me from getting too uppity. Upper Crust pizza it was. And there aren't even any leftovers.

No House

Well, fooey.

How do you spell fooey anyway. Darn, shucks, arg.

I wanted to buy a house. Not the concept, an actual house. It was on the wrong side of Mass Ave which means that there's more crime and it isn't the best area, but it's BARELY on the other side, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad, right?

Well, I went to the community department of the police department today and found out that the gang activity in the area is extremely high. The officer said he would advise his own family members to look elsewhere to live. Out of fairness he said I should knock on neighbors doors and see their take on the neighborhood. Is the increase in crime worth a $400,000 reduction in price? To get anything similar across the street would run in the $700,000 to $800,000 price range.

There are other neighborhoods to look at so I guess we can keep looking. I was expecting more crime but didn't expect to find out that it was a high crime area. Back to the drawing board.

Turnips

I've never eaten a turnip before, at least that I'm aware of. Vegetables weren't really big in our house when I was growing up. Mom hates spinach and cooked carrots (or at least she did when I was a kid). We had corn, peas, green beans, broccoli, and sometimes salad. But we weren't vegetarians. Meals were pretty traditional, and turnips don't really fit with the theme.

I like turnips, at least how I made them tonight. I boiled them then added Swiss cheese, onion, milk and spices, sprinkled the top with more cheese and baked the whole thing in a casserole dish. Then I sauteed spinach, buttered a few pieces of my homemade bread and added a cup of leftover green chili stew. Fabulous dinner if I do say so myself.

Tomorrow's dinner is quinoa with broccoli and peanut butter, brussel sprouts, and leftover turnips. Friday will be homemade bread toasted with Swiss cheese along with fruit with peanut butter (for me) and Nutella (for my husband). Perhaps we'll finish off the leftover stew. Over the weekend I'll make split pea soup. I still have to figure out what to do with the celeriac.

Total cost is approximately $30 for approximately 5 meals (for two people) for an all organic menu that contains primarily local, in season foods. Feeling pretty good about dinners, now I have to work on breakfasts....

One Pound

I did absolutely nothing yesterday, save read a book, watch a movie, and bake bread. It was the kind of recovery day I thought I needed after two weeks of traveling. It was near bliss.

But, I gained a pound.

I just got a new scale that actually shows weight in digits (before I was using a cheep round wheel of weight measurement from Ikea) and I've noticed that my weight keeps going up. Not in huge high increments, but going up nevertheless.

What concerns me about my day off (i.e. no physical exercise at all) is that I didn't eat excessively. I'm not going to say it was the most healthy meal in the world, especially considering there wasn't anything in our fridge (we have been gone for two weeks) and I didn't feel like even going shopping (although I should have because today it's raining outside).

I ate the following:

1 piece of individually wrapped chocolate (cal: 230, from fat 115)
1 handful of raisins (493, from fat 9)
1 small apple (65, from fat 2)
2 slices homemade baked bread (240, from fat 30, estimated)
1 bowl homemade(ish) from a kit green chili stew (360, from fat 35)

That's it. I've been racking my brain trying to think of anything else I ate, but I'm pretty sure that was all I ate yesterday. Now, I was surprised at how calorie high raisins were, but if I total the amount up I ate less that 1400 calories (1388). I can't believe I gained a pound.

So today I'm going to the gym. Apparently I'm going to have to exercise daily if I want to continue eating (if I gained a pound eating less than 1400 calories what would happen if I ate 3 square meals a day?). I don't mind exercise, actually once I get into a routine I really like being active, bu I'm surprised by my *need* to exercise.

Food, Inc.

I've been meaning to watch the film for a while now, but only today did I notice that it's available for instant play on Netflix.

The content isn't new, but it's well done. I hope the concepts reach people who didn't already know that our food has become too corporate, a big business that thinks about profit above the health and welfare of the nation.

I turned off the film and started baking my own bread. But as I was baking, I couldn't help but think back to a family interviewed in the movie. The producers showed a family drive through a fast food restaurant and order $11.75 (change approximate) worth of food for four people, two adults and two children. The premise was that they couldn't afford vegetables, even though they wanted them, and they didn't have time to cook a real meal most nights.

And of course they can't afford to eat the way they want. The food movement isn't just about eating better food, it's about changing your way of life. Sure, some people are already on the band wagon, I'm not the only one cooking my own bread, but if food reform is going to happen, we can't just keep going to the supermarket.

My Thanksgiving turkey cost $75. That's right, WAY, WAY more than the $.48/pound my aunt paid for her turkey from her local supermarket. We both got around a 16 pound bird but her bird cost less than $10. I'd like to think that my bird tasted better, but really, it probably didn't taste that much different.

But I'm not just paying for taste, and organically fed food does usually taste better in my opinion, I'm paying the true cost of my meat and I'm paying for the knowledge that my food was fed healthy ingredients and well respected during it's life on the farm. I can't say the same for mass production.

But what about the family that can't afford more than $12 a meal? They've got a few choices. One would be to not eat meat, shocking, but always an option. They otherwise could decide that it's worth saving up for and make it a feast. But either way it requires a life change and it requires planning ahead. Without change we'll still get fed, maybe life won't change all that much, but we'll still be feeding into a system that's broken, and sooner or later (hopefully much later) a broken food system will bring a broken food supply.

Proud Owner

I'm a proud owner of a Christmas tree. The in-laws left today, guilty sigh of relief there, but before they took off I grabbed my mother-in-law and hauled her off to a Christmas tree farm. It was the first time I've ever cut down a Christmas tree on my own. The owner gave me a very large sickle-like saw and told me to pick one.

There was a light smattering of snow on all the trees and just enough snow on the ground to cover up the earth and make it a white wonderland.

We managed to get the car in my Honda Civic with the help of the farm owner (wrapping a tree in a blanket works miracles) and my mother-in-law and I managed to haul the thing up 4 flights of stairs on our own (my husband was working). Now I've strung the lights, both white lights and chili pepper lights, and I'm waiting for Gerd so I can start hanging all the ornaments.

Normally I'd have multicolored lights (somehow I've always associated pure white lights with snobbery) but it's a tradition in the Ertzgebirge region (where my in-laws come from) to have pure white trees in each house. We compromised and included something from my childhood region...red chili lights.

It's beginning to look a bit like Christmas, and that makes leaving Tucson feel okay again. Life is good.

Behind

I had a great post composed in my head a few days ago. It was something about the New England Aquarium, a very rude woman who seemed to believe that only children should enjoy the the feeling station, and who didn't seem to understand the importance of teaching her child to wait his turn. Seriously, do people somehow believe that learning should be limited to young children? How frightening it would be if children didn't learn that they can be lifetime learners. Anyway, a few days has taken out the steam of my subject. I can now look back and really, it wasn't worth getting so irritated now was it?

And then there was the post about nudity. My brother-in-law doesn't seem to mind if anyone sees his package, although after a brief discussion last Christmas he typically wears at least his underwear in unconfined spaces. Unfortunately that turned out to be him changing in the hallway of our bed and breakfast a few days ago. More discussion ensued and I became labeled a prude. I have to say, looking back, I probably could have been nicer in the way I discussed the issue. It's never nice to find out you're doing something culturally unacceptable. Somehow his offhanded remark struck me wrong however. And really, I didn't want to get thrown out of the hotel.

Our hotel is a whole post waiting to happen. I misread the website and we didn't have enough beds for everyone. After holding my temper and holding my own the brusque B&B owner and I came to an agreement that involved an air bed and discounted rates. Actually I think I handled myself about as well as I could considering we'd been traveling for far too long and everyone seemed unnaturally irriated for having to leave the house at 6:30 to make our plane on time.

And now we're in Arizona and it's a strange, strange experience. Was I really raised here? I've been gone so long I can't see things the same way anymore. I find that I don't miss it (because I don't know it) and yet I desperately miss it. And I miss who I was and who I might have been.

All the advice points to looking forward, not backward. Never look back, right? Except that's how we analyze. That's how we learn. That's how we figure out which direction forward really IS.

But looking back right now, I feel more lost than I did before. I don't think I really know who I am anymore.

Believe it or not, when I was growing up in the southwest I was more accepting of different people and different views than I am now. I was far more kind and less controlling. And I wonder, if I'd stayed in Tucson would I have ended up who I am today? If not, who would I be? And if there is some other way I could be, what would I want that to look like?

T-8

We've spent the whole weekend getting ready for the in-law's visit and now we're in the final countdown. I still have last minute things to do, like mop (again) and vacuum the couch, oh, and clean the kitchen. Ah, and go to the bakery down the street to get some bread, cheese and danishes. Oh, and fold and put away the laundry. What else am I forgetting? Maybe my last minute list is a bit longer than I thought it was.

I've got 8 hours, surely I can get everything done by then, right?

Wouldn't it be nice

Wouldn't it be nice to have a house of our own? Wouldn't it? All the talk about getting a house creates stress and anxiety. We can't keep going like we are but to change something we have to give something up. What are we going to live without?

Throwing in the towel

Who decided NaNoWriMo should be in November? I know that's just an excuse, but I've decided I'm in over my head.

I made it to a little under 9,000 words, which is far more than I've ever pieced together before, and I have a good idea of how to continue and where to go from there.

If only November wasn't so crazy. I got back from the grandparents house November 5th, had a conference November 7th, worked on the farm on Monday, go to Houston to visit my father this Friday to Monday, Go to Turkey Day at the farm on Tuesday and have to get ready for the in-laws to come the following Monday. The in-laws will be here until December 7th, so I'm guessing my personal time is going to be scarce.

And yes, I know I'm just throwing out excuses and that everyone else has busy lives too, but as I get further and further behind, it seems to me like this may have been an ill conceived plan.

But two things did come out of this. First, I want to finish my book, so I'm playing around with some other self-imposed deadline (maybe New Years?) to make myself keep on pace. Second, I actually wrote quite a bit (for me) and I was really enjoying writing when I began.

So maybe it's too soon to entirely throw in the towel, I want to continue writing, but somehow knowing I'm not going to reach my original goal is sapping me of my motivation. Who knows maybe tomorrow I'll get up and whiz through 10,000 words (probably not).

Maybe I should make a different word goal by the end of the month? I hate starting something and then failing to finish, but it's an all to familiar path for me.

Too much time causes my head to ramble

Well, the grandparents enjoyed my visit, which was nice. I got behind in my writing, but priorities must be set. I'm at a little over 6,000 words and want to be at 12,500 by the end of Sunday. It's possible, but we'll see if I make the goal or not. My mind is on a million different things right now.

Like, how can you make powdered milk at home (you can't really) and where are my tickets to the Agriculture in Education convention I go to tomorrow?

I woke up remembering high school and houses and had a huge blog formed in my head. It all started by remembering my friend Kristi's mom's hair when she was pregnant with her youngest child. It have a strange and jumbled mind. I think it went something like this: 35ish and pregnant, glowing hair, where will they put another kid in that house (the house wasn't that small, just seemed like it with 4 girls to an only child), my own house was big and very, very clean in high school. This is the shortened version. Needless to say it would have been one very large rambling entry.

I go visit my father in a week and try to convince him to come to New York for a summer wedding. I might drive out to Providence the day before we leave to attend a presentation of urban farmers. And that led me back to making your own ingredients. I missed boxed meals. They're so easy. I could make my own kits I suppose, right? But doesn't that somewhat defeat the purpose?

None of this is related to my novel, which I can't seem to concentrate on because my head is enveloped in fifty million different thoughts. I wonder if writing is opening my mind to more thoughts or if my mind is just avoiding the task of writing a novel. Either way I need a somewhat quiet cafe that does NOT have internet access. A little over 2,000 words a day and I'll be back on track again. Perhaps I should start a star chart.

Day One - 2006 words

Woo Hoo! It took about 2 hours, maybe 2 1/2 hours, hard to say with interruptions, but I reached my daily goal of 2000 words. I really should be aiming for 2500 words a day (considering my inlaws will be visiting from the 23rd of November on and I probably won't get as much done after they arrive) but I figure that 2000 will be the minimum per day.

I also completed character sketches for my main characters, an outline of the chapters (we'll see if I can stick to it, I have a hard time sticking to my outlines) and I'm developing a timeline since the novel will be set in Germany during 1150-1185. Next on the list is to figure out what a Margrave is and do a family tree for the decedents of Conrad the Great. This won't be completely historically accurate (Ertzgebirge, where my legend comes from is not actually included in upper Saxony during this time, but neither can I figure out who DOES control the region) but there will be aspects of the story that are based on historical events.

Tomorrow I have a 10 hour train ride to go visit my grandfather so I hope I can get more than my minimum writing quota done and a bit of research as well. Tonight's research includes how to tether my iPhone to my mac to get internet access along the way. I know it's possible. I just wish I'd asked my husband to figure it out for me before he headed off on his business trip today. Arg. I'm not exactly computer inclined and I have no idea if I'll be able to figure it out.

Actually Registered

I was about to post "Actually Did It" but I haven't done it yet. I registered for NaNoWriMo. I've wanted to do so for the past 4 years since the English teacher at my last school district had her 8th graders writing novels in November. She was brilliant with the kids and it was a fabulous project.

Before you wonder how she managed it (50,000 words is a lot for anyone, let alone a 13 year old) I'll tell you she modified it a bit. First she had them write nonstop for 15 minutes. After writing for 15 minutes she had them count the words, double the amount, then calculate the number of words a student could ideally write if they spent 30 minutes writing 6 days a week for a month. In class she spent the month of October developing characters and themes, etc., and then they went to it.

I've read some of these stories and they turned out great! Their novels were around 15,000 to 20,000 words long (quite a feat for an 8th grader, especially considering we worked with a crowd of disadvantaged youth) and they were pretty good. Sometimes they were pretty far out there (robot zombie vampire adventures is one I kind of remember) but unique and interesting. And the kids were so proud.

So this year I don't have a job and nothing really is holding me back. Besides which I have a 10 hour train ride to and from Rochester this upcoming week, which should help. Now all I have to do is decide which one of the stories that's been floating around in my head the past few months I actually want to write.

Story one is set in Germany in the region my husband comes from. There's a canyon called something like Katz something or another where legend has it that a witch protected a pirate castle with her broom. It's called Katz whateveryoucallit because the word has something to do with the amethysts that line the canyon river. This all sounds like a pretty good story to me. The heroine isn't a witch, her name's Katarina and she diverted disaster with diplomacy that somehow shows itself in the form of a broom (I'm thinking aid after a fire or something like that). I've actually started a full synopsis of this one, but I think it needs a bit of work

Story two was a dream I had. A boy along with his friends finds a set of strange mechanical devices that appear to need a key to open it, but he has no key. He pries it open anyway and somehow gets the gears and chambers to start moving. Another boy comes up and tries to help but the discoverer is called back to his house. Even though he can't figure out what it does the boy takes it home to his house where his mother is having a dinner party. Strangers come to the door and ask for help, the mother invites them in and they have a nice time altogether at the party, but the mother doesn't invite them to spend the night. The strangers leave but take offense for a lack of hospitality. We find out that they are from another world/time and their culture has clear hospitality rules. With hospitality broken they vow to take over the "kingdom" and proceed to use an army of trolls to take over the land. They discover that in our world food isn't grown nearby so they disrupt food supply and pretty much take over the US. It looks pretty grim for the humans but then the boy who was mysteriously helping the discoverer boy open the boxes decides he doesn't like the bloodshed and thinks the human race should have a fair shot (after his parents become upset finding this out their sense of honor allows them to agree that his decision was fair). He gives the key to the boy but doesn't tell him what it does or how the box would sold humankinds problems.

Yes, that really was a dream I had, unfortunately I never got to the point where we figure out how the key works or what it does to save the humans. My guess is that it imprisons the other race (elves?) or sends them to another planet.

Anyway, those are a few ideas. Who knows where, or if, this will go.

Never Know

This week a 19 year old singer/songwriter was killed by coyotes while hiking in Canada.

I've survived something like 10 accidents, including one accident in which we flipped off the side of the Rockies and dropped 250 ft. I've also survived an IED attack, mortar fire, and incoming fire while riding in a helicopter. Knock on wood, but so far I've been pretty resilient.

I recently told a coworker about my upcoming appointment for acupuncture and she wanted to know what it was doing for me. Reducing stress, reducing back pain, and regulating my cycles (so far I completely believe it's helping). But our conversation led me to mention my multiple near death experiences, to which she said that I must be meant to live. Surely there must be some reason I keep surviving, there must be something I'm supposed to do, or be.

I don't know. Right now staying sane and healthy seem to be about all I can handle.

When I was a child my mother claimed I was named by God. She said the name was given to her. It always worried me that I was supposed to live up to something, or there'd be some important task that I'd have to accomplish. Instead of being a blessing it was a responsibility for an unknown task.

Now, it could be that it hasn't happened yet, but I am more likely to believe that I should just go on about life as I should live it and be grateful for each day. Either I'll do something great or I'll just keep trucking along. I'm not looking for greatness and have no deep drive to leave a legacy.

But you have to admit that life if short, and it takes you in so many different directions (often at the same time) that you probably will never know what's meant to be and what just IS.

My grandfather started receiving hospice care this week. The family reckons that he's got about six months or so to live. Everyone is afraid to hope for more because, as time goes along, each day he lives gets harder than the last. Each breath is harder to draw. He has pulmonary fibrosis.

I consider my grandfather a great man. He hasn't changed the world and he's not famous, but he helped make my mother into a wonderful mother and he's an example I hope to live up to someday. I told him I wanted to come visit over Halloween, maybe I'd read him some scary story, and he said "What are you trying to do, scare me to death?".

So I didn't die at 19, or 21, or 33 and who knows if I'll make it to 87. Who knows if I'm supposed to be here or not, but I am. And all I want to do is be someone that does the right thing, always, even when it's difficult, knows God in whatever form I see him, and shows love to everyone, even the Boston drivers. And I'd like to get to the point where being this person isn't a challenge, it just IS who I am.

Not a Foodie

I've recently picked up a few books that revolve around food. Considering I work on a farm and that my life has begun to revolve around food as well, I figured it'd be appropriate. The first book, Cooking for Mr. Latte is written by Amanda Hesser, a food writer for the New York Times. The second novel, Julie and Julia: 365 days...blah blah blah title by Julie Powell, who lives in New York City and I'd like to imagine reads the New York Times. Both authors seemed to share a love of food, cooking, and interest in Julia Child, but their idea of food was distinctly different.

Not far into Cooking for Mr. Latte I could easily see Hesser's vision of food. The author writes:

I should have established a set of guidelines long ago. That all potential boyfriends have to be willing to travel to the far reaches of a city to seek out that dark little bar that makes the best fried oysters: that they must like going to restaurants, expensive restaurants. And when they're at one, they should happily linger over the petit fours and savor a good Cognac. If they itch to leave as soon as the deserts are cleared, they've missed the point.

While I like food, I'm relatively easy to please. I want fresh local food. My ideal restaurant would serve...fresh, local food. Hesser does say she prefers seasonal food, but, as a food writer, she's far more caught up in the details of each dish than I would be. I mean really, I wouldn't even know what flabby fois gras would taste like. I just can't identify with the author. Not only has she met and maintained a friendship with Julia Child, she was a chef in Paris. I'm bound to look a food a different way.

In a description of a foodie outing she writes:

When I go out to a restaurant, I do not like feeling as if I'm at a buffet. I like to construct my meal thoughtfully and then eat it. I don't want to pass plates and I don't want someone plopping a slab of his skate in my lamb jus. It's disrespectful to the chef, who tries to create dishes that entertain your palate from the first bite to the last. And it's greedy. If you must taste other things on the menu, come back another time.

I find myself drawn to the characters in Julie and Julia far more. The author is a secretary who doesn't want to be a secretary. She's not a super chef or a food snob, just someone who wants to do something unique and special, and she likes to cook and is good at it. (And there's one of our differences, I like to cook, but I'm hardly good at it).

Powell writes:

Wealthy Victorians served Strawberries Romanoff in December; now we demonstrate our superiority by serving our dewy organic berries only during the two week period when they can be picked ripe off the vine at the boutique farm down the road from our Hamptons bungalow. People speak of gleaning he green markets for the freshest this, the thinnest that, the greenest or firmest, or softest whatever, as if what they're doing is a selfless act of consummate care and good taste, rather than the privileged activity of someone who doesn't have to work for a living

But Julia Child isn't about that. Julia Child wants you that's right YOU, the one living in the tract house in sprawling suburbia with a dead-end middle-management job and nothing but a Stop and Shop for miles around - to know how to make good pastry, and also how to make those canned green beans taste all right. She wants you to remember that you are human, and as such are entitled to the most basic of human rights, the right to eat well and enjoy life.

And that blows heirloom tomatoes and first-press Umbrian olive oil out of the f***ing water.

And while completely agree, I completely disagree. I do believe our first responsibility is to eat well. What we eat, and how we eat, is one of the simplest things to alter in our lives and leads to a huge, healthy reward.

But I believe in eating in season, or preparing in season foods for storage for out of season cooking. I don't agree that middle class life should allow us to transport food from around the world so we can make fancy dishes all times of the year. But I do agree that learning to cook, really learning to COOK, transcends any food ideology.

And so I'm debating getting a Julia Child cookbook and work my way through some (not all) of the recipes. I'd like to learn how to make a good sauce, how to saute, how to do any number of things I'm sure I've never even heard of before. But when I do it, I'll be sure to use my local foods that are in season.

First Email

I got my first ski trip email! WOOHOO!!!

The season is upon us. Every year a group of us get together and rent a huge house in Maine for the weekend AFTER MLK weekend (it's cheaper and blackout dates don't apply at ski resorts) and go crazy in the snow for a long weekend. Sunapee is right around the corner, one of my favorite ski resorts, and there are tons of other mountains nearby as well.

Although I'd consider people in the group friends, I don't really see many of them other than during ski season. Yeay for upcoming groups headed off for a day on the mountain. Yeay for evenings spent relaxing in the hottub.

But MLK day is far, far away you say. Yes it is. Enough time for me to buy new snowboard boots and hit the slopes, enough time to remember what I'm doing before then. Oh, and get my board waxed. Something tells me that my snowboard rusticating in the spare bedroom closet needs to be looked at again before I see snow.

Definately enough time for Gerd to get new gear. Perhaps if I buy the boots for Gerd for Christmas (returnable of course so he can get which one he likes) he'll follow through and replace his 10 feet long skis like he's been saying he wants to for the last two years. But first my boots. I could hardly do anything last winter because my heels would slip almost three inches in the heals if I didn't cut off the circulation to my toes, and if I did I'd still slip a good inch or two. So I'm afraid I got a bit whiny last year. Not going to happen this year.

I love snowboarding. I almost wish it was snowing.

My e-Library

I have discovered my library. True, I've been to my library before, it's really almost around the corner. BUT, I've discovered the online bells and whistles my library offers.

For instance...

I can create a list of books that I want to read and select books I want them to hold for me. When I select a book it tells me what place I am in order of requesters so I know if I'll be getting my book sooner or later. When my book is ready to be picked up I'll get an e-mail telling me to come down to my local library. I'm number 1 for Cooking for Mr. Latte but number 54 for Julie and Julia.

But after searching my account online I also found out that I can rent eBooks. This would not have interested me before, but with the iPhone I began using Kindle and found out that I like it I like it a lot. On the subway I don't have to bring anything along to read, I can just pull out my phone and read.

I'm not quite how this library function works for me yet, but I'm pretty sure there's a way to make this happen. The library site even has the downloadable audio book section divided into ipod, epub, and MP3. Some copies even have permission to burn to CD.

It's like a whole new world!
_________________________________________________________

Update***

Holy Cow, have you heard of Stanza before? I have just opened my iPhone to a whole bunch of new books....

Project Gutenberg (very serious stuff)
http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page

Baen Free Library (Primarily Sci-Fi)
http://www.baen.com/library/

Free e-Books (This requires a bunch of browsing)
http://www.free-ebooks.net/

Romance Books (these you have to pay for, but costs are very low)
http://www.allromanceebooks.com/index.html

Fiction Wise (these also cost some money, but they appear to be relatively inexpensive)
http://www.fictionwise.com/

Okay, Married

Last summer was the pits.

Spring had some perks, like I got a long term sub job at a fabulous school (so THAT's how a school is supposed to work...) and we made a whole bunch of decisions about where to live for the time being (near my family for at least a few years), and we survived falling off of a mountain cliff.

But it was a roller coaster. One minute we're planning on buying a house, I'm planning a wedding, I see the future of me with this school district I love, and we're picking out baby furniture, and the next moment I'm jobless, weddingless, houseless, and very very sad.

I wanted to be married, but I didn't want to celebrate.

So I called the city clerk's office to see what their hours were in case we wanted to get a marriage license. I figured we could just get legally married and have the wedding next summer. The clerk's office in MA was busy so I called NY, figuring we could always have Wally, my step-father, sign the paperwork. The Glens Fall's office answered and said that they're only open 8-4 M-F, which would mean a day off of work for Gerd. I was about to hang up when the clerk offered to come in on the weekend and open the office for us. We were planning on visiting my mom anyway, so it seemed to work out.

I really wanted a signed certificate that weekend, but Gerd didn't want to act that quickly. We had 60 days, and it would have been nice if his mother could have come out, but he never pushed the issue with her. So in the end I finally said that Wally would marry us in the back yard on a visit and Mom would be a witness. I'd hoped to have the rest of my family there, but Gerd nixed the idea since his family wasn't there. He said we should have our wedding with everywhere there...

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be married. I love, love, love my husband and I look forward to a life together. The thing is, we really should have waited.

I got frustrated because we didn't have anyone there. We really could have picked any backyard, my grandparents included, and Grandpa isn't doing too well and probably can't go to any weddings. We haven't quite figured out how to tell everyone (the original idea was to send out save the date cards for a wedding next summer that mention, hey, by the way we already got married) so everyone is surprised when we tell them.

I didn't tell my father right away because I knew he'd think that there's no reason to come to a wedding next summer. Sure enough when I finally fessed up Dad's so mad I didn't tell him right away and that I'm already married that he's refusing to come to my wedding. If he really won't come I'm not sure if I'll have a "wedding" (I really wanted my dad to walk me down the isle) but perhaps a big party instead.

By now I should have some sort of plan together for our wedding, but I don't. If we could just set a date we could send out something to everyone, but to set a date we need to have a location, which is tricky because of the type of wedding I want (weekend getaway with cabins and bonfires and lots of outdoor games). Plus the location of the wedding is still a problem (I want the Adirondacks but then we have to schedule around black flies and tourists).

I thought the quick marriage ceremony would take the pressure off of the wedding plans, but that didn't quite work out the way I thought it would. As soon as I figure out what we're going to do next I'll let you know.

Exhausted

Who knew part-time employment could add up to a whole bunch of tired. I only worked one day at the farm this week so I expected an easy, laid back week. Unfortunately I ended up spending most of my time at Cambridge Friends School. One of the teachers has a mother who is very, very sick. Phrases like ventilator and transplant recipient have come up when I've asked what exactly is wrong, but a clear picture of what's going on remains private.

I was called on Wednesday to sub for Thursday and Friday, but could only do Friday. On Sunday I was asked for Tuesday, on Tuesday I was asked for the week, but I go to the farm on Thursday so I did an incomplete week. Thursday they couldn't find anyone so the kids had two different subs for the day. While the kids did get used to me and we got along just fine, today was rough.

I'd love to blog about something more interesting but I'm completely exhausted. Interesting topics like marriage will have to wait for a different day. And an interesting blog it will be.

No Impact

I recently surfed up to an article on No Impact Man. This guy in NYC decided to live without lights, toilet paper, pre-packaged foods, and any form of transportation (including elevators). He composted inside (with worms, I've seen the presentation and it's not as gross as you'd think) and didn't put out any trash...for a whole year.

Now I salute anyone who makes an attempt to live lightly on the earth, but I think "No Impact" is a bit of a stretch. We all have impact. Did he cook on a stove, yes, plug in a cell-phone, yes, use water, yes.

I'd really like to see this type of experiment be run by people living outside of an urban area. Even in Boston we couldn't forgo transportation because my husband's job is well past the city limits. He'd have to cycle 17 miles to and from work. Physically he's capable of it, but just think about the dangers of traffic, the upcoming weather and the limited hours of daylight. Not going to happen.

I recently read Farewell, My Subaru by Doug Fine. I became interested in the book because the author decided to go off grid...in New Mexico. Reading into the book Fine settled in an area I'm familiar with and started raising chickens and goats and tending his own vegetables. Again, while I applaud the effort, it's not a path I could entirely live with. Frankly I have trouble with my community garden. Working on a farm is helping, but mostly it makes me aware of the incredible amount of work necessary to create food.

I also recently read in The Sun Magazine, The Decline and Fall of the Suburban Empire by Leslee Goodman. James Howard Kunstler discusses the inherent problem with our suburban setup in terms of economics. While the focus is on economics, I'm drawn to the environmental impact created by our suburban design. This was quite possibly the best issue I've read of The Sun yet and I've already re-read the article through again.

I guess the point is that there are many ways of working towards living local and living green. And actually tons of questions that make it difficult. Which is more important organic or local? What am I comfortable living without and what am I unwilling to compromise on (marry a foreigner and you're going to take some flights overseas, it's not just pleasure, it's family). Should I eat local meat or forgo all meat (local meat is expensive but I'm supporting an industry that treats animals humanly prior to slaughter and I think it's an important industry).

So for the mean time we're doing out usual thing. I continue to add more efforts to my go green mentality. I hung up all the clothes instead of using the dryer yesterday (but did dry the sheets today because we've got a guest coming). But my efforts are imperfect. And I have the benefit of an urban city.

It's not difficult for me to find local foods, Lionettes is down the street, I work on a local organic farm and Harvest Coop is only a few stops away on the T. I have a community garden in which I can grow veggies and a deck I can hang my clothes out to dry on (and an indoor rack for when it's raining). I can walk, bike, or take the T pretty much anywhere. What *is* difficult is giving up more. I already gave up my car and I'm not ready to forgo my toilet paper or internet (although frequently I think I should, it's way too much of a lure). But someday maybe I will be.

Monday Morning

I only have three things on my list of things to do today:

Laundry
Cleaning
Garden

And I did start. Really I did. But blah, I don't want to.

I've learned that even when I have the time, I still don't do the things I say I never have time to do. For instance, if I just had time I'd sweep and mop the floors each day (yeah right) and I'd weed my garden too (nope, not really).

Mom says the trick is enjoying your chores.

I do enjoy chores on the farm. I don't know why it's different there, but somehow it is. Maybe it's because someone says...could you please weed the celery field? And I do. But if I had a farm of my own, I wonder if I'd be so productive? Probably not.

Ah well, maybe music will help. That or a housekeeper. Hard to justify when you're only working part time. Oh well, Pandora here I come.

Letter to John Boehner

There must be something done to ensure that Americans who are already insured or not insured are able to survive not just their injuries, but also the medical bills they receive after an unfortunate diagnosis is made. Not only is this the right thing to do, considering we believe in LIFE, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, but it also has an affect on our ECONOMY as more people go bankrupt due to medical bills.

A public option prevents BIG corporations who are obviously mismanaged from using individual's health as a money making scheme. Large corporations have too much power and I support legislation that limits for profit organizations controlling our health.

If we do not ensure that EVERYONE IS AND CAN REMAIN covered regardless of diagnosis, and that all necessary treatments are covered, we will lag behind other nations as we already have in other sectors of our economy.

When we rose to greatness we measured our strength in our expanding infrastructure, our bridges, roads, and buildings. We believed that we were done building our nation and stopped making progress. We have deserted the drive for improvement and ignored all that made us the powerful nation we are today. We must recognize this and begin to build our nation anew.

I love this Webcomic

Stumbled upon this accidentally, but so me...

http://xkcd.com/461/

an Iphone named Modern Morse

I already love my iphone. LOVE my iphone.

Here are the first few apps I downloaded:

Pandora (free internet streaming radio, choose an artist and the station finds songs/artists similar to your interests)

Urbanspoon (finds restaurants near you and gives prices, menus, and reviews)

Skype (free internet calling, low cost VOIP)

Kindle (read books on your iPhone, a search for free books revealed a bunch of options and I bought a few inexpensive books as well)

Other apps include: Crossword puzzles, Wifi finder, iTreadmill, MBTA schedules, BigOven (cookbook) NPR news, Birthdays, Solitaire, Flashlight, Universal Translator, BBC Reader, Dream Dictionary, Lonely Planet, NY Times, Guitar Tuner, and Facebook.

Most of my apps have been free although a few have cost $.99 to $2.99. There are a few apps I'd like to add, but I figure I'll add them as needed. One, a cyclometer, is actually pretty expensive ($9.99) and I'd like to see if it would be useful before shelling out the money.

I knew I'd use the apps, but my biggest surprise has been the Kindle app. I don't generally like reading online, but having a book on my phone has been fabulous. On the subway I can read a book without carrying anything extra along. I've read a few romances and now I've started downloading mysteries. I might buy a few books I've been waiting to read, but I'm not sure how much I'd like to spend on a book I will only use while coming and going.

On the other hand I haven't really used many of my apps. I haven't read NPR or BBC because I've been downloading podcasts of my favorite shows. I also haven't used the cookbook because I usually look up recipes at home before I cook or go grocery shopping. Maybe that will change when I go to the store next time? And the Birthday App is redundant because my iCalendar syncs with my iPhone so I can set up notifications without needing an app.

All in all, so glad I've got this phone, wish I'd bought one earlier.

First Day

In an effort to NOT have a car in Boston, and therefore NOT get two ticket in a row NEXT WEEK I figured out how to get to my new farm job by commuter rail and bike. It's not that bad, at least not right now while it's still pretty warm outside.

It takes a 5 minute bike ride to the commuter rail station or a 15 minute walk, then 30 minutes on the commuter rail itself, then bike 15-20 minutes or walk 45 minutes. Best case scenario 50 minutes, worst case scenario 1.5 hours. Seems a bit long, BUT the commuter rail has free wifi so I can check my mail and surf the web AND I get a workout (some of those hills take a bit of effort).

Today I learned how to use a seeder (not too complex) mixed grain feed for various animals, weeded three rows of lettuce, went on a quest for ripened squash, chased chickens into a hen house, got a turkey off of the roof of the turkey house, fed the goats, sheep, cows, chickens, and bunnies, and as I was leaving I took some raw goat milk home to try. I'm not sure if it'll make butter (but I'll give it a try).

Tonight I'm going to make zucchini bread from one of the misshappen, up for grabs, slightly wilted section of the farm stand, do laundry (seriously need to do laundry now) and fall into bed. I DEFINITELY need work clothes. Even my cats aren't really sure what I smell like.

But all in all one productive day. This was a volunteer day and tomorrow will be my first day with students. Apparently we inherit 17 seniors in an AP environmental science class for the day. Their teacher wants us to give them something memorable enough for them to refer back to for the entire school year. I'm not sure yet what that will be, but someone suggested mucking out the chicken pen. I'm guessing that would be pretty memorable for an 18 year old.

Winter cleaning

Well, out with the old, in with the new.

I found out about a farm that has educational programs that was hiring for various positions when I did an online search for raw milk last month. I sent out a letter of interest and didn't expect to get a response....

But I got a response! And they want me to work with them! I'll find out more about hours and pay tomorrow when we talk, but so far I'm totally excited!

So I quit a week and a half early. Friday's my last day and I'm so happy to be leaving. The office is gearing down anyway so they won't miss me much and I can debate whether or not I want to take two online courses starting in two weeks (I'd ruled it out for the semester because it would be too stressful so close to my last day of work).

In the meantime I bought a ticket to Germany to be there for my mother-in-law's 65th birthday party. It cost about a month's "salary" (the amount I designated from my army-job earnings to divide up per month for the school year) but Gerd tells me the tickets to Peru in October will be on him.

Adding up all of the money we're spending sent me into my own little panic attack/spender's remorse fit that resulted in our getting pre-qualified for a mortgage.

Our finances are going to have to change soon. We're not going under, but we're not saving either. So out with the old job, in with the new budget. We may not buy a house (the place we rent now is fantabulous and we don't want to move away from it) but we'll be looking at new options.

Life's getting a little dry cleaning right now and it'll be interesting to see what comes out.

Honey?

I'm pretty sick of allergies. I haven't been this bad since high school when I forced my parents to lock all the windows tight and turn on the air conditioning (that had a filter built in).

I THOUGHT that I was cured. After roaming around in 3rd world countries I got enough germs to stop my whateveritis from attacking pollen. Apparently we, I mean as a society we, are too clean and therefore our bodies, designed to deal with grime, don't know what to do so they make us sneeze.

So I came back from Iraq virtually allergy free. (There has to be some benefit from living in a war torn country).

But this year I did a body cleanse. This involved things like algae and probiotics and the like. I believe that the result of it was this. More allergies. I even broke down and started taking allergy medicine again (haven't needed it for over 5 years)

I'm thinking of planning a trip to somewhere very germy. Either that or many, many more cups of tea with local honey.

Personal Chef

Do you know that there are people out there who get paid to be personal chefs? They go into people's houses and cook all their meals for the week. I had no idea there was a market for that, but I guess it makes sense. I know people who would pay for the service. Me, I want a housekeeper who cleans weekly and takes care of the litter box.

I found a personal chef's blog while looking for recipes to can marinara sauce and remain fascinated by the descriptions of what meals they end up with. I wanted to find a way to make my own sauce after I spent $20 buying ingredients to make homemade pizza today. I probably won't be making the cheese anytime soon (my last effort was somewhat lackluster) but I figure I could easily put together the crust and sauce. The only thing is, I'd like pizza to be an easy meal during the week. My last pizza dough experience went a bit...well...wrong.

So my mom may, or may not, be able to come down this weekend. If she does we're going to the farmer's market and buying some heirloom tomatoes that weren't hit by the tomato plague. I figure that sauce comes first because a) tomato season is ending and b) tomato sauce is way more expensive than the dough (Foodies market carries "homemade" dough for $1.30).

I figure that the cost might not be much cheaper but it'll be MY sauce, made in season and preserved for the year (hope it tastes good).

Last days of summer

I took Tuesday off after a long, drawn out, no days off (not even the weekend) kind of work week. I took our "kitten" to the vet (she's 2, but still 10 years younger than the other cats) and baked a batch of roles, walked to the grocery store (Lionettes, a local foods market) and make dinner via crockpot. I sat out on the hammock on our deck and read a book for an hour and a half, and cleaned our house just enough to feel comfortable but not overworked. If you keep up with Facebook you already know this, but I thought it was a day worth mentioning a few times.

I'm off again today, this time for a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. Sure, I could have gone to work for a couple of hours but, with 2 hours of driving, it hardly makes sense. Instead Gerd worked from home this morning and I made waffles with baked cinnamon apples and whipped cream. I'm off to get a resident sticker for my car and wander over to the doctor's. I'll send off a few applications later, but perhaps spend a few more hours on our hammock before sunset. Summer's not going to be around too much longer. Why not make the most of it while it lasts?

Moving Time

I'm not moving, but every time I come home from work I see all of the college students moving in or out all along the Boston University and Northeastern University neighborhoods. Sunday, after a full day of work, traffic was at a standstill. Normally Sunday traffic is a breeze.

Turns out all the moving trucks lining the streets were reducing the size of city streets to about nothing. To make matters worse there was a Redsox game on, which is bad enough for commuters as is. Add the number of college kids toting mops and Yaffa Blocks (do you remember those age old stackable crates) across the street and you've got a commuter's nightmare.

Except that it wasn't a nightmare really. The beginning of school is such a magical time. All of these kids either packing up to go onto careers or parent's basements or moving in for their first day of school, it was like the streets were energized. My own college experience could not have been more different from these folks.

The busiest street at William Jewell was the main entrance, which I never used because I lived on campus. There were a number of commuters, but for a school that educates less than 3000 students, it's not exactly booming. We were an island of education, swept up in books and bad cafeteria food.

Boston University is in the city. Their dorms are literally brownstones that line the Charles River. I wonder how much studying I would have done if I lived in Boston when I was 18. I suppose they have a campus, but it seems to me like their campus is really Boston itself.

I suppose seclusion is no better or worse than inclusion (in the way of cityiness) but I wish I'd had a bit more of the world around my school, now that I know the world. Still, no use crying over spilled milk. Who knows if I would have finished my BA if I'd had a choice between the Squeeling Pig, the Boston Commons, or Modern Political Thought. My guess is that I would have remained isolated anyway considering how little I really knew about life.

A Success!

I grilled dinner tonight!

I don't grill often, but I wasn't sure what to do with all the veggies that I picked from our roof deck garden. The fact that I have veggies to pick is in itself a success, but doubly so since I could actually consume them in a way that did not require ketchup to hide the taste.

With the exception of the onion which I got in my biweekly box and the can of green chili that I can't live without, I doused the squash, zucchini, and green pepper (along with the onion and green chili) in olive oil and garlic (oops, forgot about that, but it's from my grandfather's garden) and wrapped it all in foil and stuck the pouch on the grill.

I then took some corn that I'd bought locally, buttered and garliced it, wrapped it in foil and grill the corn as well. I cooked up some Quinoa (probably not as local, but hopefully more so than some other options) and served it with the veggies.

Yum. Seriously I don't think there's anything better than grilled corn on the cob.

We had leftover pork from our farewell party for a friend of ours this weekend, but I think I had two bites. This was a very local friendly meal and I really didn't even need the meat at all. Actually I didn't even have room for fruit salad (also made from the produce in our biweekly box) or the homemade chocolate cake (also left over from the party...I have to say it came out really really well).

Okay, so my meal may not sound as interesting to anyone else as it is for me...but hey, I'm pretty proud of this meal. A few years ago my concept of dinner was thawing out pre-cooked chicken patties, opening a bag of frozen broccoli, and serving it all along with a helping of instant mashed potatoes (seriously I lived on this meal from about the age of 24-26). Now I can't wait for my garbanzo beans to sprout!

Logging Hours

Well, the community garden is a mess. Actually I can't really say that since I haven't seen it in a few months, but guessing by the vast greenness around me, it's safe to say that weeds have taken over.

Working is good for me, even if those are some pretty long hours I've been keeping. I logged 52 hours last week, but that means I spent an additional 10 hours driving to and from work. This week will most likely be even worse. But overall I feel productive and, although the job itself can be stressful, I'm enjoying not having huge responsibility. One of the reason's I took the job was to save up enough to go back to school, but I've found out I have two more years of tuition and housing allowance from the VA. SWEET!

I am definitely going to work on my ESL certification. Northeastern has an online program that I'm interested in. If I did it just right it would take a year to complete, although right now it might take longer. I'm not enrolled for September with little time to get all my paperwork together. I may be starting in January.

I wasn't sure about an online degree and how it would be recognized, but Northeastern is literally around the corner and I could take most classes on campus if I wanted to. I've taken an online class before and thought it went pretty well, online classes just work better when you've got a job. With any luck I'll be able to find a job while taking classes, and if not, I'm hoping to find an internship or practicum that will give me some hands on experience.

I have to say that I debated quitting when I found out about my VA benefits, but staying busy seems to be working for me right now. Time enough when this contract ends and I go back to my life of luxury. In fact, it might not be the worst thing if I waited until January to start. I could earn as much as possible for the next month, take a couple of months off, and then dive into another degree program.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes.

Ah hour drive

It's funny what you think about on a hour long drive. True, sometimes it's boring stuff, like I wonder if it'll be raining in Boston too (one hour away in Boston practically means a different temporal zone) of if I'll find parking nearby (non-existent when the Redsox play), but I have my moments of deep thought.

Unfortunately, or probably fortunately, I can't really remember any of those things after an hour of driving. Sometimes I think I need a voice recorder. I swear on the road to work and back I've solved ALL of our problems, if only I could remember what it is that I was thinking.

Never Enough

When I took this job I did so only because I would NOT BE IN CHARGE. I'm a great second in command, not a manager. I'm the person you want working behind the scenes. I think about things and usually have great suggestions. Implementing them? That's your job boss.

Problem is, my boss is new and I'm old. Well, not old really, but I have a year's experience and he hasn't done the job since...well, he's never been a lead in this position. AND his experience is mostly with a different branch, so not everything carries over exactly. Don't get me wrong, he's a great teacher, but as a manager of staff, well, he lets just say he makes me feel better about my own past mistakes.

So when he decided to tell us he was taking off for the weekend (at 2pm on Friday) when the whole thing kicks off on Saturday, I COULD have stepped up. Thing is, he put someone else in charge. No problem, I figured I was off the hook. Except I've been somewhat of a leader the past couple of days and a phone call from a co-worker made it sound like people left behind were unhappy that I wasn't there. They didn't really know what to do (not a surprise since our boss didn't explain or leave instructions before heading off).

But I wasn't really scheduled to be there. Okay, I was, but only for a one hour class. I asked someone to cover it since I didn't want to drive one hour there and back for ONE class. The person who took over was the one who complained...but he agreed to take the class. Sure my boss SHOULD have said I should be there, but he didn't. And I don't see any reason to report to work on a Saturday without explicit instructions to show up.

I'm not in charge
I wasn't told to be there
Someone else was put in charge of the day
That person didn't ask me to be there
Things got rough (because I'm the only one who seems to know what's going on around here)

And I feel guilty.

Oh THATs what it feels like

Since I moved I've met friends. Mostly acquaintances really. Known people well enough not to feel completely isolated. I've gone out for drinks and movies and dinner. I've thrown parties, some of them even fairly big hits.

But there's been something lonely about Boston for me. It's harder to meet truly deep friends when you're in your 30s. I don't have a kid connection with anyone and I can't seem to regularly attend anything that would resemble a community. I really should make more of an effort there.

German Stammtisch is something I wouldn't have expected to be my normal venue, but it has been the community I haven't found elsewhere. It's the one thing I try my hardest to make every week and miss most when I can't go, and tonight explains why.

Alexis who recently returned from living in Germany decided that we should go shopping for a bed. She convinced me and another friend of hers to meet up at the Boston Bed Company and we went around testing all the mattresses. Somehow you know you've made a friend when you can have a blast buying a bed.

Very very slowly the loneliness here drips away, kind of like an ice cube in winter. But somehow I know it's getting better. In fact, I'd say I'm pretty happy.

No Hotel Room

I thought it was all arranged. My cousin is getting married in August and we're going out to see the wedding. The plan WAS to stay at a bed and breakfast that's located a block from the reception.

It's not that I think the reception will be anything wild enough to warrant a nearby bed, my cousin is a known teetotaler. He's having one sip of champagne to toast, because that's the thing you do at weddings. It's just that it would be close by and DONE. There are so many outstanding things I have to do (like find the title for my car and cash last month's last check) that I'd love to have at least one thing accomplished.

As I said, I THOUGHT it was arranged, but a phone call today announced otherwise. Two night minimum stay. They want us to either stay two nights, book two nights even though we'll only be there one, or wait until the week before to find out if it's still available. So now I'm left wondering if I should just book a hotel room after all or wait it out.

G says we should wait. If a room isn't available in the B & B we can always book a room in the hotel. I say that's one more thing to check up on. I know the place just want's to earn a decent living, but they should really put their minimum stay requirements on their website.

Peace

I love having people come visit, I really do. It's just that lately we've had a lot of trips to visit others, and a lot of people staying with us too. So, while I was thrilled to have my cousin and his fiance come visit, I was a bit exhausted before they even arrived. Already I can't believe I'll have to go to work again tomorrow.

Cod Questions

I'm more and more glad that I didn't join the CSF (community supported fishery) like I had initially intended. It was the threat of worms that swayed me against it, but I've since learned that the Cape Ann CSF, while local, isn't eco-friendly. The majority of their product is cod, which, according to the Monterey Bay Aquarium's website, is an endangered fish. Apparently only 10% of the cod population is still in the ocean. Not only did questions of types of fish caught by Cape Ann arise, but HOW they fish, which is by bottom trawl (dragging) which pulls up all kinds of fish that get killed and thrown back in the ocean.

I didn't pull this information up myself, I read it from the localvores blog that I occasionally glance at. If I hadn't gone to the site I would have no idea and would have believed that the CSF was a great idea. It's becoming more and more difficult to figure out what food is good to eat.

In an ideal world I would belong to a CSA and buy all additional foods from local farmers markets. I would freeze or can foods for winter and live entirely off of locally produced food that I know is grown/harvested the way I want it to be. There are a few problems with this though.

A) On weeknights I don't cook. Food often goes to waste if I don't find some day/time to do a mass cooking experience.

B) Gerd's dinner diet is not veggie friendly. I ended up switching our biweekly food basket (not a CSA but organic) to 3/4 fruit because the veggies weren't getting eaten. Even the 1/4 veggies sometimes rot before I get to them. Dinner is typically bread with cheese and salami. It's not my favorite dinner, but it's easy, filling, and I don't have to cook.

C) We also eat out a lot. Breakfast and lunch I've pretty much been eating out or eating leftovers from when we go out. Now that I'm at work again, I really want to get away during lunch. I've tried to convince myself that I could eat a home lunch and then go for a walk, but it's not the same thing. I want to sit somewhere nice, not surrounded by broken desks and mismatched chairs and relax for a while. I had put together a breakroom for this purpose before I left, but within a month of my departure they threw the couch away and set up the table as an instructor desk.

I used to cook once a week and then store the food for the week. I'm trying to get back to that system, even if it isn't with local foods, just to get back on track with a healthy diet. Oat ne of my problems though, is that whenever I go into a grocery store I can't find anything that I want to eat. I want to eat in season foods, which are hard to identify, and I want to cook from scratch. If I go into the store with a recipe it may not be in season, and if I don't go in with a recipe I have no idea what to cook.

I am so frustrated with the food issue. I really don't know what I should be doing to ensure that I'm eating conscientiously.

Dreams

Well, G's in Israel again, which may explain part of this dream, but not all of it.

I dreamt G was out on the deck grilling and when I looked over the balcony our house was on the bay and several yachts were docked at our deck. A hammock connected one yacht to our deck, and on the hammock were several plants that needed to be watered.

I went over to water the plants, but when I got onto the hammock it fell into the ocean along with me and all the plants. I had my cell phone with me, and despite being dunked in the water, it still worked. I called G to ask him to come over and help me out of the water, but his cell phone was inside the house and set to vibrate. He couldn't hear the phone ring, but I was getting tired treading water.

I swam over to the yacht and found a stairway on the side leading up to the deck. I got about halfway up and then I realized that there was an attack dog on the deck of the ship. He kept barking and keeping me away from the top of the ladder. I clung to the side of the ship and called the coast guard for help (who knows how I had the phone number for the coast guard).

I woke up before I could be rescued. I believed that help was on the way, but my arms were tired and I couldn't sit on the edge because of the dog. I tried calling G again, with no answer.

I have no idea what it could mean, but I do know that I want a home phone. We don't have one now, but I woke up thinking that I'd really like a phone that rings in the house.

The Army Job

I decided to take the Army job. Why? I'm asking myself the same question right now.

I really don't fit in. I drive up in my little Honda Civic and park next to all the SUVs and wonder what I was thinking. Too late for unemployment, if I quit it's my fault, not the economy's.

I learned very quickly not to talk politics. Even the most normal looking people can have some strange ideas about our government.

Also, according to the majority of people, we're on the road to Socialism. Do they really know what Socialism is? That Socialism isn't one governmental assistance program (and if it was we're already socialist)? If they're referring to health care I'd like to see them deal with an privatized HMO plan for the military (everyone would be up in arms if they had to pay a deductible).

Don't talk about the environment, or schools, or religion, or any other topic that people have different opinions on.

Already I think most them don't like me, I am a liberal after all, and I generally play by the rule book. I have a high standard and I don't like to cheat the system, even if I think the system might deserve to get cheated once in a while (its certainly cheated a few people here and there).

But the money's good, and the school needs instructors. So I'll try to hang onto it as long as I can. It's possible that I'll feel like I'm selling out too much, or that everyone drives me insane, or even that I drive everyone else insane. What's important for me to remember is that I can quit (or be fired I suppose). Either would kill any chance I'd have of another job like this, but that may be no loss in the end. Only time will tell if I can stick it out for 10 weeks.

Decompression

On a trip back from New York City I had to stop for gas.

I hate it when people don't pull through to the far side of the gas pumps, so when the huge truck that pulled in right before me stopped at the first pump, I rolled down my window and asked him if he could pull through (politely).

I hate it when people ignore me. He just went about his business, opening his gas cap, getting his wallet out of his pocket. So I asked him again, louder, and directly. As he was swiping his card, he finally replied something to the tune of, "I've already activated the gas".

I told him he was an asshole (parting shot) as I started backing up to find another pump. He got belligerent and tried to storm my car and then finally spit on the hood of my car.

I repeated (this time angrily) that he was an asshole and drove around the gas station to find a pump catercorner to his truck. The station was fairly busy and that was the only accessible one.

As I got my card out and started pumping gas he yelled over to me that I should "get the stick out of my ass" and that I was a bitch.

I told him he should be glad someone let him know he was being an asshole, explained that nice people usually make room for other drivers and don't ignore others either. He repeated his stick out of ass comments and we ignored each other from there on out.

I wish I were wittier. I could have handled the whole situation with humor and made him laugh while maybe making my point. I don't like causing conflict, and I wish I hadn't yelled, it certainly doesn't do any good anyway. And, I have to wonder, is it good to be told that I'm a bit stiff? I'd rather decompress a sticky situation than cause more problems. Was I unjust?

But somehow I always find myself reacting to what I consider "injustices". Why don't people act the way they should (I suppose I should include myself in this). It seems like a little consideration would go a long way. I for instance, could have considered the source. Here's a guy who spits on cars, what kind of standard should I expect?

Mind, Body, Spirit

I've believed for a while that we're only healthy when we're working on all three, mind, body, spirit. Despite my best efforts, I haven't been doing much of that lately. Well, unless you count googling Hollywood gossip as mental stimulation.

So I joined a gym. It may not be the best fiscal decision for an unemployed teacher who just quit her fallback job, but I decided it would be worth the cost. I did save some cash, however, by joining the YMCA, which is a bit better priced than some other places near me. It's the oldest YMCA in the U.S. and has four floors of workout space along with an indoor pool.

I even signed up for 3 sessions with a personal trainer. I'm not sure yet if it will be worth it (I know how to design a fitness program for myself) but time will tell. My hope is that, by having a trainer, I'll be motivated to meet goals and make more aggressive fitness goals for myself. (Normally my goals involve just showing up at the gym and being active for a while)

Sure, this doesn't address Mind or Spirit, but I think I've got it covered (or will soon). I'm going to enroll in the Harvard Extension School for one class (open admission) and possibly do an online ESL program through Northeastern. I found out I still have two years of GI bill benefits, and I intend to use them!

Spiritual growth is probably the hardest for me right now. Gerd, a self proclaimed atheist, although with discussion is more like an agnostic, asked me yesterday what I believed happens to people when they die. It was the 5 year anniversary of his father's death. It's a hard question for me to answer.

Palin

Apparently Palin is still a viable candidate for the 2012 presidential race. Why? I really wanted to like her. She's a woman who represents the "everyday" person, who isn't, or wasn't I suppose, filthy rich and disconnected from the needs of the middle class.

Unfortunately she has narrow views, is under-educated, and is at best a confusing speaker. And now she's quit her job 1/2 way through her term? Perhaps she quit so she can become more educated on current events and see a speech coach. Unless she somehow learns to open her mind any additional education would be wasted on her.

I would be very afraid of her as president and frankly I find it scary that she has a large following. How can her followers ignore the mountain she made out of Letterman's comments? If she can blow up about something small like that how in the world would we avoid war?

I sincerely hope she's decided that politics are not for her. Maybe she'll work as an evil lobbyist or corporate sell-out girl. Either is preferential than her running the country.

D-Day

Today's the day. I have to tell Moriarty I won't be coming back for the school year. Abject poverty for the year with no security for the future, here I come.

But once the decision is made, it's made. The goal is to free myself from fear. We could very easily end up in a huge bind later this year. Gerd's job is none to secure, finding permanent work (in or out of teaching) is unrealistic right now. Our fall back plans are falling away (I can't pick up and move to Ireland, my house in New Mexico is rented and I won't have a job...)

It's time to develop faith.

Happiness

I've always believed that you have to work for happiness. I don't know if the idea is right or not, or how the idea rooted itself in my head, but the concept that happiness won't find you if you're not looking has been with me for quite a while.

It seems like there are so many problems that we can encounter in life that things won't go your way unless you make a deliberate attempt to line up your life towards happiness. It's like the ant who prepared all summer for the winter. You'll run out of food if you don't prepare, like the grasshopper.

But recently I've wondered if I'm laboring under a false premise. Some of the happiest things I've found have occurred WITHOUT planning. I never would have dreamed that I would live IN Boston (a dream I'd had right after college and rejected out of fiscal realism).

So perhaps happiness just happens. But I have to question, is living in Boston like the grasshopper who ran out of food in the winter? Will my happiness run short without better planning? And if so, should I care?

Should I bask in the light of happiness while it's with me? When happiness leaves maybe we'll just migrate. Other proverbs say that you shouldn't worry about the future, leave tomorrow's worries for tomorrow, and that sort of idea.

All I know is that I like a plan. I like goals. I like knowing what I want out of life.

I'm not the only one

On Facebook a friend stated that she was about to build an ark. That of course, generated a bunch of sympathetic responses from the rest of our Bostonian friends. Turns out, MANY people are ready for the sun. We might just get some too, I can actually see a partial blue sky today. If we don't however, Boston.com has posted an Ark Building 101 article that follows.

How to Build an Ark.

New Tags

Since I'm looking at staying IN Boston instead of moving, I'm probably going to need my car back soon, at least until I find full time work that's nearby.

I should be hired as a contractor for 10 weeks and in the mean time I'm looking at non-profit jobs related to volunteer coordination or adult education. I have my fingers crossed for a position in which I would coordinate volunteers for an education based Americorp program in Dorchester. I'm trying not to hope too much because I don't want to be disappointed, and I haven't officially applied yet, but I really, really, hope I get the job. I've already got tons of ideas for volunteer training sessions.

My car, however, is a lingering problem. It's still registered in New Mexico...sort of. They yanked my registration a few months ago when I became uninsured in New Mexico. I think that's cleared up, but I can't register it in New York (where the car is currently located) without the title (which I can't find). I don't necessarily want to register it in Massachusetts either because I might just need it for 10 weeks and it'll go right back to New York again. I'd prefer not to need it ever again, but that's a little unlikely.

Then there's the more mundane decision about car registration...which state has the best plates.

New Mexico actually has the nicest plates I think, but it's not an option. Massachusetts plates are boring unless you buy the "special plates" which are okay. I would just need to decide if I want a whale tale, big fish, or lighthouse on my plates. There are some others, including a veteran's plate, but all of them are fairly lame looking. New York has about a gazillion special plates. You can get a BMW club of America plate or a plate that says you're an accupuncturist. Some of them are very specific (there's a plate for Jewish War Veterans of America). I can support a variety of causes like librarys, agriculture in education, museums, and the arts.

Who knew there were so many choices out there.

New Discovery

Yeay, cool website:

Smitten Kitchen

19 Days

I counted. That's the number of cold and rainy days we've had in June. We've also had only 7 days above 75 degrees. This combined with the 17 days of rain in April and the 15 days above 60 degrees means we've had some terrible spring weather. Letterman's joked recently about it in New York (they have similar weather) and it's becoming a frequent topic of conversation among EVERYONE in the Boston metro area.

Today it's 59 degrees with a chance of 63 degree weather, cloudy with a 40 percent chance of rain.

What a waste

Well that was a waste of time. New counselor who, when we get to the end of the session says that she don't know how to proceed with me. Could be because I said I didn't really like how the session went, we were off track the whole time describing different parts of my life, but nothing specific or important. I tend to get easily sidetracked and need someone to keep me focused. I can blab for hours about life, and I'm interesting, so people tend to listen.

Maybe if I hadn't said anything about being off track our next session would have been better. Perhaps after I'd gone through my whole life history she would have gotten around to figuring out what I need or how to proceed. I don't know. What I DO know is that I'll be looking around for someone who DOES know how to proceed and who can get past the introductory fluff. Someone who knows what she should be looking for within the discussion and who can repeat back to me the concerns that I have.

What's at the Heart of It?

If you've been following my writing for the past few months I think you'd see the following trends:

First, I've become more and more negative towards myself and I've been trying to analyze WHY.

Second, I've been looking at making my life a bit more sustainable and friendly to the environment.

I started writing again because I believed, and still believe, that writing seems to be good for me, no matter what else is going on. What I've discovered over the past few months is that there are two sides to me (well, actually there are way more than two sides to me, but for practical purposes I'll discuss only two) that are striving to be heard.

There's the side of me that's desperately trying to live a normal life that aligns to my ideals and goals and there's the side of me that is insecure and self destructive. I hate to quote Paula Abdul, but it's like my life is two steps forward and one step back. There is progress I suppose, but I'm always looking at that one step back rather than the progress I've made.

I've found a new counselor who actually accepts my insurance that I'll see later today. I think I'm getting to the point where I'd be willing to try medications for a while. I've tried to eat well, exercise, involve myself in community, and do all the holistic things necessary to pull myself out of this spiral, but lately I've not even been trying to keep up with all things healthy. I don't know maybe something will click back into place and I'll be increasingly happy all of the sudden. Vitamins sure helped a lot.

I'd really like for this blog to be more about positive things, like me trying to build a solar oven next weekend, or a trip to New York (I had a great time over the weekend).

Every single woman in my family either is, or has been on, some sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medicine. EVERY one of them. I've come to believe that I'm not just working against PTSD (although that's there too). I'm working against a genetic makeup that gives me a prevalence for depression.

If I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life something is going to have to change. It may just be my own attitude about it. I'm half convinced that my stress over my mental state is related to a belief in what is "proper" for me.

I certainly have other issues with "proper". That's why I get so mad at bad drivers in Boston (don't they know they can't make a left turn from the far right lane?). It's against the rules....

Despite my mother's effort to raise me "improper" somehow it didn't work. I still manage to judge myself against some invisible standard that I can never see or accurately measure myself against.

So somehow I need to redirect myself BACK to a place where I can talk about my daily life in a non-judgemental way that helps me process life's trails in a way that brings me closer to my own goals of a simple, sustainable, and loving life.