Could You Do It?

I've reached at least some equilibrium looking at the lives of my students.  I've had a rough time lately dealing with students who receive benefits who complain that they can't survive on what they receive...and that the government should give them more. There's this prevailing belief that they aren't getting enough from everybody, and that is causing them to fail.

Keep in mind I've been to places like India and Iraq where I have seen true poverty.  Poverty does not include On Demand TV or free groceries.  Except, maybe it does.  Maybe if you are living in our society, you've been trained to live like an industrial consumer.

I've never clearly calculated how much a person on benefits gets before, but it turns out that at least one student gets $478 per month.  In addition this student gets food stamps of $500 per month, and receives housing from the state. She has 2 children, both under the age of 4.


After this student said that she didn't have money to go to school (which is free of cost) I made her prove it to me.  Here's what she showed me...

$138 monthly rent (2 bedroom apartment in Boston housing)
$60  bus pass (which she doesn't get because she can't afford it)
$60  cell phone (MetroPCS with unlimited talk/text/data)
$56  On Demand cable
$90  Diapers
$30  Laundry
Remaining $44 for household items such as paper towels, soap, clothes, toys, etc.

She also said the $500 food stamps were not enough for her family (of 3-4, depending on whether or not her children's father is in the household), but that she'll occasionally trade her food stamps for additional money to cover bills (since she can't build up any savings).

I would argue that school comes before a big cell phone plan or cable, which would save nearly $120/month right away.  I will admit, however, that a phone is a necessity.  I wish I'd known earlier while speaking to her that there's something called Carelink that provides free 50, 100, and 250 minute phone plans to people who can't afford a regular plan.  Somehow I doubt she would have gone for it...smartphones are hard to give up...

And I got to thinking.  I would probably go with cloth diapers if I only had that much money, the cheap pin kind, and I'd try to use cloth towels instead of paper towels...I could make and sell crafts or food to earn some extra money...I'd get DVD's from the library instead of watching TV...I'd  make and freeze large portions of healthy foods...

But I've got a few things going for me.  First, I've been interested in sustainable, environmentally friendly living for a while, so I know ways to live on a budget (even if I don't always succeed in my budget).  Second, I'm older, and while I don't have my money balanced to a T, I've had enough experience to know how to use money.  And frankly, it's hard to change your way of being.  I doubt most under 21 year olds have truly developed a good sense of finance.

So the question isn't could YOU do it.  The question is, if you were a young, uneducated person without any positive role models to show you how to make stuff from scratch or help you find alternatives to a life of poverty, could you budget yourself so that you could survive?

I still hope that this student, and all the other students like her, figure out how to prioritize.  I think though, that the issue isn't easy to fix, especially considering that our current world isn't designed around cloth diapers or canned tomatoes.  To change this one student's priorities we would need to change the look of poverty in America. I'm guessing disposable diaper companies, cell phone companies, and food manufacturers (and their stockholders) don't want to see that happen.

So once again, I've reached an equilibrium.  I don't blame my students for becoming somewhat entitled, but I also don't know where I should place the blame.

Anyway, those are today's thoughts on poverty. I guess if it were an easy problem to solve it'd be fixed by now. Perhaps speaking about the problems, however, will help answers bubble to the top.  If not, at least I've had my say.

Happy Thanksgiving

Since we did Thanksgiving last weekend I'm spending this holiday relaxing and catching up on housework.  Well, I will be catching up on housework after I'm done relaxing :)  I have a to-do list that's huge, but I suspect that much of my list will remain undone.  I'm okay with that.

Later in the day I'll reheat the Thanksgiving leftovers so we'll have turkey on the real day too.  Gerd isn't really into football, so it's unlikely that we'll turn on the TV.  I thought it would be strange or sad to spend Thanksgiving with just the two of us, but so far I've really enjoyed having a day off.  I almost forgot that we have tomorrow off as well.  Perhaps tomorrow the house will get clean...

Saturday is the big move, so I'm enjoying the house to myself as a last hurrah.  Sunday I'll have eggs sucked out of my ovaries.  Apparently all is going well so far, so I remain hopeful that everything will work out this time.  The following Wednesday everything is stuck back in me and then I have to wait for two weeks to find out if it worked.  I'm looking forward to the end of daily shots, but it's the following 2 weeks that make life miserable, and moody. Prayers would not be amiss.

Meanwhile I'm trying to come up with my "daily thankful" that I post on Facebook.  There's really so much to be thankful for I don't know what to say.  It just seems like it should be a big one on the real day.  Anyway, hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and a wonderful winter season full of food, love, and laughter.

 

Long Time No Blog

Well, I haven't had much to say online lately, but not because life's been all peaceful or anything.

Right now we're in the middle of a move.  An internal move, but a move nonetheless.  A friend from church mentioned a few months ago that she had 8 more wees of savings and then she'd have to move back to Montana. So I offered to house her.

At the time I was really feeling like our house was a bit empty and lonely.  We'd bought the house with children in mind, and well, it hasn't worked out yet.  I've been toying with the idea of foster children, but Gerd isn't completely sold on the idea.  Honestly, I'm not entirely sold on the idea, especially with me working full time.

I didn't know if H. would take me up on the offer, or what it would (will) be like if she DID take me up on the offer, so I didn't worry about making any changes.  A few weeks ago she confirmed that she needed a place to go.  I'm happy that we can offer a piece of our house up, and thankfully Gerd feels the same way.  I think he's just glad we can't have foster children if I invite a family to come live with us for the next 7 months.  Did I mention she has 2 children.  H.'s husband died 1 1/2 years ago and shes been struggling to keep afloat as a single mother. 

So we've moved down a floor.  We have a 3 floor house with a HUGE master room that will serve as their studio.  I naively thought it would be a quick move.  I mean, it's only one floor down.  Do you know, I have a lot...A LOT...of belongings.  The master bathroom itself took an entire weekend (but the guest bath is now beautifully organized with our belongings).  All of my clothes are now in the downstairs room, and most of my shoes.  Now all that's left is everything else!

And at the same time all of this is going on our insurance approved IVF.  Massachusetts requires health care to cover it for "medical necessity" which I fall under.  Soooo, we're doing that too.  The same weekend everyone is moving in a doctor will be harvesting my eggs.  That means that I'm currently trying to do everything that I can to ensure I'm as healthy as I can be by then.  That means I'm on a crazy gluten free, sugar free diet (that I somewhat frequently cheat on) and I'm trying to eat leafy greens, drink lots of water, avoid caffeine and alcohol, and get plenty of rest.  The rest thing has been a little difficult because this medicine seems to give me headaches and mess with my sleep. 

So changes galore at our house!  Hopefully all the changes work out the best way possible and everyone stays happy. I guess only time will tell how well it will all go!

An Enjoyable Distraction

I've spent the last, who knows long, trying to get my life a little greener.  I'm trying to grow more of my own food (with mixed results) and buy more food locally through the farmer's market, or through my biweekly organic box.  We've also, thankfully, had a new shop come in around the corner that sells local organic meets and staples.

But none of that talks about clothes.

I wouldn't say I'm the most fashionable person, but I would admit to liking clothes.  When shopping, I've long since given up on finding anything make in the states.  On a semi-recent shopping trip to Marshalls and Macy's I bought a whole bunch of new underthings, and overthings.  It's not that I love shopping...but I do love getting new clothes.

Which is why I felt a little gauche this past weekend in New York City.  Most of the people attending the birthday party we went to were pretty average people, for people who make a lot more money than we do (or at least than I do anyway).  They all talked about their purchases at this store, or that shop.  I tried not to drool.  A few of the party attendees were not your typical people.  They were into Mode, not fashion.  They had purses worth more than my entire wardrobe, and shoes that had names of designers.  I tried not to drool any more.

I walked away thinking out how much I would like some designer clothes, who I could budget some items in (like that amazing little coat, or a nice handbag, or a pair of designer shoes).  The whole experience in NYC was like a great movie filled with effective commercials.

I'm back, and I'm still trying not to think about clothes.  It's pretty interesting how I can try to justify spending money on a fancy outfit (maybe the expensive stuff is local?).  But in the end, I know that my priorities are pretty good.  I'd rather either invest the money, or give the money to charity before spending it on something that will fade out of "mode" in a year.  But I have to admit, a little piece of me wouldn't mind that lifestyle.  At least the whole thing was an enjoyable distraction (and maybe next month I will go shopping...for a few small things).  Ah well, you can see my little inner demons come out, lets see which priority wins.

Hashimoto's Disease

I don't think I've mentioned on here yet that I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder.  It's not serious, that's what everyone at the doctor's office keeps saying anyway.  After all, all you have to do is take thyroid medicine for the rest of your life and you should be fine.

It does explain why I was so tired for a while, and why I was pretty blue.  It also likely explains the fertility issues (to a point).  I've done enough research now to know that thyroid medicine may not make my symptoms go away forever, but I've been lucky, the drugs have worked amazingly well for me.

Ever since the start of the school year, which is always exhausting and hectic (for students, parents and teachers alike) I've noticed that I've been able to keep up.  I have a clear mind, I'm not as stressed, less prone to panic, and more able to do more things.  That doesn't mean I don't come home and completely collapse some days.  I'm trying to figure out if the days that I don't want to do anything are just normal, or if I'm still getting over myself.  I mean, my body attacks my thyroid, the medicine replaces the missing thyroid juice, but I'm still fighting against myself.

I've followed a homesteading blog for a while, and the author has recently posted an article about her battle with Hashimotos.  She appears to be allergic to the medicine so she's gone the natural remedy route.  After we finish trying to conceive I might be tempted to try some of the same things (but perhaps while using the medicine too).  Right now I'm just enjoying being a bit more like myself again.

Right now I'm trying to catch up on my winter preparations.   I'm afraid I'm desperately behind.  I managed to can some marinara sauce last weekend on Saturday (on Sunday a friend and I went to Six Flags and giggled like teenagers as we waited for the front seat of each roller coaster).  I'll be away the next two weekends too, first to New York for a friend's birthday party and then to the Berkshires for my 3rd installment of Permaculture.

Hopefully I can keep my energy level up!  Anyway I'm trying to stay positive.  It is nice to know that there really was something wrong with me, I wasn't just crazy.  Now onto figuring out what that means for me for the future...

Goodbye Friend

It's really no surprise that one of the phases of grief is denial.  When someone is gone, we don't miss them if they're off to the supermarket or the movies.  We just wait for them to come home.  It's even easier to dwell in denial when someone lives further away.  I mean, I love my grandfather, but I didn't speak to him everyday when he was alive.  For months I kept having to remind myself that he really was gone.  I still forget sometimes.

So it doesn't seem real yet that Bettina isn't around anymore.  She was doing pretty good a few months ago.  Sure, she was on oxygen, and I did know how quickly a person can go when they just aren't getting enough air, but she was so sure she was going to get better.  And she was so young, too young, to have to deal with death.  Diagnosed with breast cancer at 37, a recurrence at 40, another recurrence at 42.  She lived the expected 5 years.  And that just sucks.

You have to understand that Bettina was not someone you would expect to fade quietly.  She was the clown, the crazy lady who drank beer while in hospice and had a going away snow tubing party.  Somehow she just GLOWED with life.  No really, her brother has a picture with the light shining behind her, and that's really what she was like all the time, shiny.

I'm not really sure how she would want to be remembered.  She didn't want to die, so it was hard to talk about honoring her life.  From knowing her, I would imagine she'd like something like a round a beer and a newly planted tree, or an annual naked run through the woods on her birthday (in winter).  She loved nature more than most people, and she could keep even the least resilient plants alive despite a pretty mobile lifestyle.


So cheers, Bettina.  This beer's for you.  Safe travels to your new home.  We love you.

Auto Pilot

Well, not much has been happening lately, but the world keeps spinning 

I love my Permaculture class.  We learned about making Food Forests this weekend, which got me to thinking about buying some vacation property on which to plant things, like PawPaw trees and American Currents, and groundnut plants... 

Financially though, not yet.  And really, not yet because we're still not sure where we want to be.  Here's some irony for you.  Gerd doesn't want to leave Boston for at least another year, likely two, but it'll take that amount of time to save enough money to put a down payment on a small piece of land (if we're careful) but by then we might not need a downpayment because we could be somewhere else.  He'd prefer Africa or Europe, I'd prefer Glens Falls or Albuquerque. 

I don't know, we're just kind of stuck right now.  Not quite sure yet what's going to unstick us.

Insomnia

I can't sleep.  I'm not sure if it's because a) I drank half a cup of chai at 5:00, b) I've had a splitting headache for the past 4 days due to allergies, c) I had a terrible day at work and am wondering if I'm in the right career (again), or d) my new thyroid medicine is keeping me awake.  Probably a combination of all four.

I really didn't want to have to call in sick today.  I don't even know WHO to call in sick too.  My boss is on vacation, his boss is on vacation, the emergency contact number is someone I've never met before and wouldn't be able to do anything about my absence anyway.  At around 4:00 this morning, after giving up my 3rd attempt at falling asleep (I'd already tried reading, meditating, watching TV, writing down my thoughts in a journal, praying, laying down on the sofa, surfing the web, and drinking water...didn't dare try to take more headache medicine) anyway, after all of that I made a vow that I would go into work for at least a half day.  I mean, if you can't sleep, what's the point of staying home anyway?  Except that my head is still killing me, I can't focus on objects (the screen is a bit blurry as I write) and I feel like I'm about to crash any moment now.  I have a feeling that if I actually tried to teach anything I would come out like the teachers on the Peanuts movies...blah blah blah blah blah.  Although, I am able to write this, so maybe I'll be okay after all?  Hmm, 2 more hours to contemplate that.  Maybe I can get into the doctor's office and get some real allergy medicine, this prescription strength stuff doesn't seem to be prescription strength.

Another Blog

I decided I might just keep my attempts at food preservation on another blog.  I tend to put personal stuff here, and while I'm pretty open about myself, I don't share the link to my blog too much.  If someone happens upon me, fine, but the writing on this blog is about me owning up to what I'm feeling and how I'm doing and what I'm into.  But my other blog will be more streamlined to the food issues that I'm so into right now.

If you're interested in my efforts to preserve the harvest I can be found at The Prosperous Pantry.

The Impossible Dream

I frequently have harebrained ideas. This one is no different than the other harebrained ideas, but lets see if I can actually follow through on a crazy idea.

I want to put away food for the entire winter. I want to pretend that I'm a colonist that has limited access to trade goods and has stocked up everything that I need for the harsh, Massachusetts winter. I realize that I'll be using modern technology, in the forms of a freezer and pressure canner, but the idea will be the same...stock up or go without.

I'm a little late in the game. Otherwise I'd already have strawberries canned or frozen, but I'm not too late to try.

I've divided my foods into 4 categories: Frozen, Canned, Dried, and Cellar. In addition I hope to start some salad greens and spinach indoors to add some fresh stuff over the winter. By winter I mean December through March, although it really should be a longer period. I would think there wouldn't really be enough to harvest in March to get you through April, but 4 months of stockpiling is quite enough. I figure I've got 121 breakfasts, 121 lunches, 121 dinner, and 242 snacks to account for, with only 3 1/2 months to start stocking up.

Why, might be a good question.

First, I'm dedicated to the idea of eating locally and environmentally friendly meals. If I buy stuff out of season either I'm getting it from someone far away, somewhere that uses energy for hothouses, or someone else has had the burden of storing my food for me all winter and therefore has probably increased the price to account for energy costs.

I also think it will be a learning experience. Ideally I'd be growing all my own food, but as I noted earlier, my garden hasn't been as supervised as it should have, and definitely wouldn't get me through the seasons. Figuring out what I really need throughout the winter will be help during the planning stages of next year's garden. What I don't grow myself I'll buy locally from farmer's markets or local farms, which will also help me learn more about the local foods community around me.

Finally, I could use a challenge that doesn't involve students, attempts at fertility, or house construction. My acupuncturist told me to do something I love, and I love knowing where my food comes from and feeling like I'm living the way I want to live. I have very little hope that I will actually succeed entirely, considering this is my first time trying this, but I will do my best to do as good a job as I possibly can. If nothing else, it will be an interesting experiment in estimating and storage capacity.

Oven Pickle Canning

I know, I JUST posted a few minutes ago, but oven canning is cool enough to deserve its own subject heading.

A friend came over this weekend and taught me how to make Senfgurken in the oven. Okay, for the non-German speakers, that's Mustard Pickles. Basically, they're like any other pickles, but instead of putting in the dill you just add more mustard seeds. They have a nice taste, not too sour or sweet, and they're dead easy. I happen to like dill pickles, so I'll be experimenting with the recipe to see if I can get dill pickles the same way.

Oven Mustard Pickles
1 liter water
1 liter vinegar
4 TBSP salt
5 TBSP sugar

Mix all in a bowl and set aside. Sanitize as many jars as you want pickles. Cut cucumbers into slices. Stuff jars with cucumbers, fill jars with cold brine to 1/2 inch headspace, dump "a bunch" of mustard seeds on top of each jar (maybe 2 TBSP?), wipe rims, put tops on jars, and place in the oven. Place a water filled pie tin or other water holding device in the oven in the bottom rack.

Turn on the oven to 275. That's right, start with a cold oven. Set the timer for 45 minutes from the time you put the pickles in the oven, not when it reaches 275. Turn the oven off in 45 minutes but allow the oven to completely cool before opening the oven, at least 3 hours, if not overnight. When you open the oven, tighten the lids again, but you'll notice that they're sealed. My friend's grandmother uses old jelly jars instead of modern canning stuff and apparently they seal this way too (but I'm not that brave).

I'm wondering if this will work with salsas and tomato sauce, or a variety of other typically water-bath canning foods. More experimenting is necessary. What's pretty nice is that you can do a whole bunch at one time (as many as fit in an oven), and if it works the same for all foods, you could probably do a few different foods at the same time.

My friend also convinced me to ferment grape leaves for Domas, so I'll let you know how that goes in a few days. They keep floating, so we'll see...

The Neglected Garden

Unfortunately for my yard, I've had a bit going on this summer. It's been a pretty nice summer, all around (although I won't claim it was an *easy* summer). I was able to take a road trip from New Mexico, do a lot to the house, and I've made breakfast, and enjoyed mornings with my husband pretty much every day this summer. Too bad the list of summer activities did not include weeding or getting plants in the ground on time.

My garden wasn't abandoned, exactly, but perhaps a bit neglected. It really would have helped if I'd known WHAT I was growing, or where I was growing stuff. I had volunteer plants all over the garden, and I lost track of which tomatoes came from what farm immediately upon planting.

I've had to pull the squash plants because slugs demolished them. My bok choy bolted before I ate any. I have pumpkins on the vine, but many of the lower leaves are white with mildew, and I can only hope that the vine with continue to thrive. I've had only about 5 zucchini this summer, and even the broccoli is less fruitful that last summer. My garlic heads were very, very small. I had to replant my carrots, twice, because they were accidentally weeded out or didn't grow. I've still got to go through my potato "field" and pull up potatoes so I can plant winter crops...if it isn't too late already.

I was worried that my tomatoes were NEVER going to ripen, they were yellow for so long...and then I realized that they were yellow tomatoes. I only have one set of tomatoes that are "red" but I think they're actually purple.

So all in all, I'm pretty grateful for everything I HAVE been able to harvest. I've had some cucumbers, and now tomatoes, a small handful of raspberries every day, about 10 squash, a few zuchinni (which still might continue to produce more), 5 heads of broccoli so far, radishes, 4 green peppers, spinach, sunflower seeds, grape leaves, onions, scallions, and much earlier I had salad greens and peas. I could be leaving something out (probably am as a matter of fact) but nothing else comes to mind.

I hardly spent a lot on soil or plants this year (and it really shows). I doubt I broke even, but at least I've been able to get some of my own food, provide a bit of pollen for the mason bees, and have an attractive, if overgrown yard. I suppose my "crops" will taste especially sweet considering their rarity.

Values and Construction

I'm torn. As usual, I have dueling values, and I never know which one is going to come out ahead.

I ran a mid-year assessment on our assets (because we really are trying to understand our spending) and I'm not sure how I feel about the results. On one hand, I think it verified what I've thought over the past month, we have fairly normal spending habits, although we only just broke even last month. Perhaps we have even less than normal spending habits... if you take out a few categories. Like the house. And the travel.

We have spent nearly $21,000 on construction this year. We've added a bathroom, replaced another bathroom, added a laundry room, and added a new entryway/mudroom. Realistically, we have another $10,000 to go before the house will "shine", and that's not really counting a real "redo" of the kitchen.

On one hand, this house really needs/needed a lot of work. I grew up with the idea that you keep up your property and improve it to make it the best it can be. I don't like living with water stains on the ceiling, cracked stairs, and holes in the walls. Paint may do wonders, but it's not enough to fix the problems this house has. And we're not all that handy. Well, my husband does the tile, and I paint, but neither of us has any intention of taking on the plumbing or the electrical work.

The thing is, after having spent that much money repairing a house, there's this huge lump in my stomach that says, what else could I have spent that money on. I could have given it to charity, not worked, adopted, or bought a piece of land in the country. Are my priorities alright? Is it okay to spend that much money on a house?!?

One of my friends in New Mexico has a bathroom that's out of date and slightly mildewy, but she's got other things to spend her money on, so it stays the way it is...functional. It's less than it could be (and I would think her remodel wouldn't be too expensive), and somehow I know I just wouldn't be able to leave it alone.

Which leads to the question of whether or not we're in the right house. I said sometime this year that we'll stay one more year here and then we're outta here, but that's easier said than done. The more work you put into a house, the more you want to see the whole thing done. It feels a bit incomplete. Then there's the question of WHERE we would move to. I've been scoping out alternative neighborhoods, and I think I have a good idea of where I might want to live, if we stay in the area, but a few months ago I was pretty ready to pack up and move out west. Finally there's the question about the price our house would sell for. Have we increased its value enough that we would at least break even? Ideally we'd come out ahead, but there's still so much more that would bring down the price.

So perhaps the real question is, at least for now, when to stay when. Can I leave the ceiling in our living room with a stain on it? Can I avoid covering the brick monster floor in the kitchen? Can I leave the stairs unfinished? Can I leave the landing floor parquet? We have old, run down furniture, can I stop wanting a new couch, a new slim TV, a new dining room set? Can I stop wanting anything?

The Benefit of a Local Shop

Our lock has been on the fritz. A few months ago we tried to get a key cut, and it didn't work. That was at Home Depot, so we just figured they guy didn't know what he was doing. A few weeks later we tried to get a key cut at a local shop, and it didn't work, again. We figured something was just wrong with the lock. Even the keys that we already owned started to fail us. We relied on a couple of keys that would hesitantly open the door, going without a key if the contractor needed a key or if we had a guest.

Today the lock died completely. We thought our contractor had gone for the day until he sheepishly came up to Gerd's office where we were talking and told us he couldn't get our lock back together. He'd taken it apart in an effort to get it to lock.

We debated going to Home Depot to get a new lock, but decided to try the local lock shop that we've had good experiences with in the past. They were the only shop that carried a key that would fit our classic Mini. We like to support local business, and were only concerned if they would be open at 5:00 or not. Turns out they close at 6:00, which was plenty of time for her (it's run by a brassy Southie lady) to help us.

We had only taken in the back portion of our lock, thinking that we needed to replace the whole thing. She sent us back for the lock itself, but out of concern for us not having a lock in place, sent us home with a temporary deadbolt with keys to put in the door until the lock could be replaced.

After installing the temporary bolt, Gerd went back with the lock, with the intention of getting it fixed and repinned. He came back, a little embarrassed, not more than 10 minutes later. The locksmith had oiled the lock with WD40 and it worked just fine. She'd seen me ogling the pretty keys and picked out a butterfly key that she reminded him that I'd wanted. Cost of the new key, $2.00. No charge for the temporary lock, or the lock servicing.

I figure we might have spent something like $100 replacing the lock. It's not my favorite lock, so someday we might go ahead and do so. But if we do, we're definitely getting any new locks from the local lock shop.

Permaculture

per·ma·cul·ture

noun /ˈpərməˌkəlCHər/

The development of agricultural ecosystems intended to be sustainable and self-sufficient

I'm about to take a course on permaculture. I've been wanting to do this for years and years and years, and I finally get to do it! Never mind that my own garden is covered in grass, the tomatoes need some support, and I haven't seeded my fall plants yet. I'm going to learn to be a farmer. I wonder if they'll also teach me to do my chores on time too? Or maybe I won't need to do chores because everything is self-sufficient. I hope they tell me I need chickens....

What I do with all of this knowledge is up in the air. Construction continues on our house (tiles have been purchased and the walls are done) but I'd really like to get out of the city someday. What good is learning how to farm if you don't have a farm? Until then I'm trying to work on a list of reasons I like Massachusetts, and specifically Boston. Here's my list so far:

1) The American Provisions shop is just around the corner if I want to buy some local eggs or meat.
2) I can take the bus or cycle to work
3) My yard is south facing (and may have inspired a few neighbors to actually plant something other than grass)
4) Health insurance in MA includes IVF under "medical necessity" laws
5) I live in a diverse population, restaurants and shops reflect the variety of cultures that surround us.
6) My church is awesome, even if I don't go every week.

Perspective

I watched the president tonight and couldn't help but think about all the changes, or lack of changes, that have happened in our country over the past 10 years. Now, I'm sure life wasn't just a bowl of cherries 1o years ago, but the overall outlook on life, and our country just seemed so much more cheerful and positive. Now we've gone so far in decline that our president admits that we have a dysfunctional government, the only way we can avert a credit crisis is by raising our debt limit, and we're still going to loose all kinds of program funding.

In those 10 years, I've been through war, broken off an engagement, finished a master's degree, moved states, married, and well, there's so much I could keep going on and on. I guess it makes sense that the world doesn't stay still, but why can't I, or anyone else (at least on the news anyway) see a way to a brighter future?

There are times when I get stuck in my own muck. Fourth of July is always hard, and it really hasn't been our favorite year so far. But even my own muck goes away when I look at things from a different perspective. For example, I read one article that has helped me look at my PTSD firework experience from another angle. It turns out the survivors of the World Trade Center attack have the same problems as I do. Somehow, by understanding what others have gone through, I get a new take on my own circumstances. When we realize that something is wrong with us, we look for ways to fix it. We diet when overweight. We cut back when money is tight. We can see when things are going down the tube and make changes.

But where is that perspective for our nation? How do we get past this bout of national depression? Can we, as the president asked, find compromise and build our nation back together? Or will we remain isolated and angry as we dwell on all the evils that, over the past 10 years, have gone our way. The most frustrating thing about government is this feeling of complete lack of control. Was life better 10 years ago, or did we have more faith in our system of government? How do we get ourselves back to our pre-war selves? How do we heal?

Lots of questions, but not a lot of answers. What do you think? Please weigh in and let me know how you see our current situation, and how you see our future.

Mid-Month Status Update

We're not on budget. We're not doing too badly, but still...not on budget. In fact, we're around $700 over budget in food, entertainment, medical expenses, and my personal spending (but I think that's unfair...$150 from our travel spending ended up on this month's spreadsheet, and we weren't budgeting then....) Groceries for 2 people, so far, have totaled $375. Actually, for 2 people, eating 3 meals a day, plus snacks on that amount, I don't think that's too bad. If we didn't buy any more groceries our total would add up to something like $2.5/meal.

Fortunately, we also have a few less expenses than expected, so we'll still save some money this month. The fireplace has to wait. The whole fireplace idea has just become drama, drama, drama. Without going into how much drama one shop can keep you in, I'll abbreviate by explaining that a) we are NOT going to tear down our already existing chimney to build another one, and b) we received differing prices, from different people within the same company, but nobody will guarantee one final price. We'll get our fireplace someday, but maybe not this year, and most likely not for the place we thought we would.

The laundry room is drywalled and taped, and the tile, paint, and light fixtures have been selected. Gerd has been eying wet saws for a few weeks, and it looks like he'll start tiling either this weekend or the next. I'm hoping for sooner, but he works on his own time (plus we need to do something with the mini over the weekend)

Life outside of house repair has been just as busy. I started teaching my ESOL class, and while I love my students, I'm struggling to figure out what to do. Everyone has offered advice or materials, which is great, but it's the tying together of all things English that I'm having a hard time with...how do I make it STICK? After the first week the only thing keeping me there was a commitment to the summer, and that I've got great health care benefits through the organization. It's getting a little better, but I still wonder sometimes if my time wouldn't be better served being a housewife.

Not in the budget, but something I'm going to do anyway, is a Permaculture class in western Massachusetts over the next four months. The last weekend in July, Labor Day, Columbus Day, and Veteran's Day weekends will all be taken up with camping and farming. I'm so excited! It's something I've wanted to do for years, but the classes are usually a two week long block during a time that I'm teaching...

Anniversary

I would have written this yesterday, on our actual anniversary, but we got home from our "event" late enough that writing wasn't a realistic option.

Two years ago we quietly married and said we'd have a wedding later. My dad said a wedding would be fake, and I was offended. But you know what, he was right. I don't really need a wedding. We have a great life together, and that's what's important.

Maybe one of these days we'll have a party, but if not, I'm okay with that. We're pretty happy together just the way we are.

Reality Check

After about 5 hours of budget deliberations, we now have a budget. It's an ambitious budget, and it will get us nowhere near a 9k savings in a couple of months, but it is a bit more realistic than my original thoughts. Funny how hard data can bring clarity.

Our bank has a great application that allows you to categorize your expenses and download all kinds of charts and graphs. If everything would just categorize automatically it would be perfect, but we do need to go in and mark some things that aren't clear to an automated system.

It's through this program that I found out that I earn 15% of our household income. Depressing, right. 20% of our income goes to the mortgage, but lately 40% of our budget has gone to travel. Just as I was about to nix the travel fund for the next few months, Gerd reminded me that his annual trip to Germany for his grandmother's and mother's birthdays is coming up next month.

So we're cutting back on food. Let me tell you, food is EXPENSIVE in Boston. I'm allowing us $100 for dining out in a month, $100 each for our own monthly personal spending (like lunches or whatever), $200 for groceries, and $100 for a mad cash fund for unexpected things that come up.

Today was the first spending day, and it was much, much harder than I thought it would be. I've already spent $22 of my $25 for the week going to dinner with a friend. We had a groupon or it would have been twice as expensive. I went grocery shopping and spent $44 for the week, but I have about $10 worth of groceries yet to buy!

Gerd has already complained that $100 a month won't be enough for him. He's going to lunch with former coworkers of his on Wednesday and seems to think he'll go over budget by the end of this week.

Well, it IS an extreme budget, but we're trying to save up a bunch of money. I guess we'll see how it goes over the next week or so. Crazy to be on such a tight budget when our combined salary seems so high...but we really want that fireplace. So save we will. Wish us luck :)

Budget Crunch

We're back!

Our trip through the U.S. was pretty great, and it was wonderful to hang out will friends and family along the way. I'm really so thankful that we a) had enough savings to be able to do it and b) were able to see and do so much in such a short time (10 states in 14 days!) I don't regret our vacation at all.

But...the thing is, we need to get back on budget. I haven't gone through the receipts yet, but this trip likely cost us 4k. The car alone was nearly $2000, then there's the gas, and the hotels, the plane tickets, and the park fees, and the food (ummm, the food!) The worst expense though was unpaid leave. I don't make that much, but 9 days is nearly 10, which is half of my salary for a month. Not that I'm really complaining (I really needed some time off), but it was an expensive trip.

So the plan is to get back on budget, right. Well, except that we might not be able to right away. We've already had the fireplace guy come over and give us a quote. That price (4k) will go up if we don't get the work done before the end of August. We're finishing up the laundry room (likely another 3k after the remaining labor and buying a new washer and dryer). Then there's the garden (I'd like to replace the bolted spinach, lettuce, and radish bed with other cool season crops) and the dehydrator that we want to buy in order to use the grain CSA stuff that I got last summer... Well, the list just goes on and on.

All of this spending while both of our jobs, while safe for at least another 6 months, are questionably secure, is about to make me go into panic mode. I vote for a construction loan on the house, but my other half (who probably has way more money sense than I do) had nixed the idea. In my mind the value of the house will go up with the improvements we've made, and therefore it'll be like we bought a newer, nicer house, and we really have a bunch of things to do to this house before either of us will feel comfortable in it. We would get to keep our savings in savings and still get our house out of construction hell. But that's not going to happen.

So, the question is...what's going to give.

Option 1:
Finish the laundry room construction, but leave the downstairs bathroom unfinished until later.
We tape the drywall ourselves and do the flooring, and keep the washing machine from downstairs until we buy a set later.
We put the fireplace in during August, giving us one more month until that bill is due.
(approximate cost: 5K)

Option 2:
Finish the laundry room and downstairs bathroom entirely (we still tape the drywall and do the flooring)
Buy the washer and dryer, but skip the fireplace this year.
(approximate cost: 4k)

Option 3:
Leave the laundry room unfinished and keep using the creepy basement setup for a while longer
Skip the fireplace again this year, or pay more after September
(approximate cost: 0-5k)

Option 3 really isn't a pleasant option for us for a couple of reasons. 1) our contractor is back to work and we don't want him to move onto another job before he finishes our laundry room, and 2) we have a big gaping whole in the center of our house

SO...Do we live without a downstairs bathroom or without a fireplace? I vote for no fireplace, but my husband REALLY, I mean REALLY, wants a fireplace. We'll decide together, but I figure we can close the bathroom door for now and nobody will be the wiser for a while. We can finish the bathroom a few months down the road without the price going up significantly.

The question is, can we, in 2 months, put 4k back in the bank while spending 5k on the house? 9k over our necessary spending? Theoretically it's possible, but improbable. Maybe if we didn't eat, use electricity, or do anything that involves money. So I will be number crunching to see exactly how much money we actually could save. A wedding present for a friend, and my garden supplies are non-negotiable, but other than that, what do we really need to spend money on?

Oh, and why 2 months? Because that's the time that we have to have paid for the fireplace, and we don't use credit cards as a credit line (all debts are paid off in the month that we make the purchase).

Living Well

Sorry I haven't really written in a while. I find that I write when I either feel like life is going completely bonkers, or when it's absolutely fantastically wonderful and I just need to share. But...life has been pretty normal lately. The Chinese herb version of antidepressants has really kicked in (or perhaps the mega-hormone producing pharmaceuticals have worn off), and I feel....well, normal. It's almost like opening my eyes the first time after Lasix. Everything was so clear and perfect, like a new pair of glasses, but almost permanent. And I've been meaning to write about that, but life was just so luscious I needed to go enjoy it for a while.

But this post isn't really my post. I check the Common Sense Homesteading blog on occasion, and Laurie, the author has posted a blog hop. Her question was "what have you done this week to live well." I'm cheating though, because I want to talk about what I've done this month (which does include this week, right?).

I've been working with an acupuncturist/herbalist and a counselor to get me healthy, both emotionally and physically, because I've had a rough go of it even before Iraq and the accident, and well, everything else. About a month ago I really started to make a breakthrough. I can't talk about living well without explaining how clearly now I can see the place I was in, and it wasn't good.

I recently posted about trying to catch up with laundry, which is somewhat synonymous for putting my life back in order. A commenter was stunned by how difficult a time I was having handling something like 1/4 of what she had to do around the house. Okay, maybe not stunned, and definitely not judgmental (because you're awesome) but surprised nevertheless. I've got to say it was a little bit of a catalyst for me to get out of my rut.

So for the past month, now that my spirit has been lifted, I set upon keeping my house in order. I figured that I wasn't really living well if I was ashamed of myself. Yes, you can go on about different standards of living, how I shouldn't be ashamed of myself, but it's no good, I knew my house wasn't where I wanted it to be. Now, before I give you this idea that I'd end up on an episode of Horders or Clean Sweep, life wasn't even close to that, but lets just say it took a full week of work to put things to rights. And that's without any distractions like a husband around or kids to keep me off track. It was a pretty full week.

Every day since that lightbulb went on, I've managed to stick to a morning routine. I get up and make my bed. I make sure no clothes are randomly strewn about the room and that my shoes are put away. I shower, change, you know, normal morning stuff, and then go into the garden and either water the plants or pick some greens I then fix breakfast for me and my husband and take my herbs along with a probiotic drink. I then basically go to work. As a bonus, once a week I've been cycling (except for that one week that involved way too much rain). Overall my mornings take 2 hours, and while I've been getting later and later to work, I haven't needed an alarm yet.

Now that I've started maintaining my house I've been able to look into things I haven't been getting done. While I haven't written the notes yet, I have purchased the cards I need to send for sympathy, congratulations, and happy whatevers that I'd really like to send off soon.

My husband, inspired by regular breakfasts I suppose, has started baking sourdough bread weekly and keeps the kitchen tidy. He's also been keeping up his side of the bedroom and limited clutter to his office.

Additionally, because my house is more in order, when we had friends over this weekend I only needed to scour the house for 3 hours before they got here. If you think that seems bad, this guest is allergic to cats and we have 3 cats and 3 floors (and we didn't bother with the basement). Now lets see if I can keep the house organized, and clean for the next week!

I think the original question was posed so that I could give some sort of advice for living well. I don't really have much advice really. I think that if I've learning anything from the past month it's possibly that if something seems wrong in your life, and you're trying to fix it, eventually you'll be able to get where you're going. It just takes a bit of persistence.

My version of living well includes health, self respect, love, sharing, and community. Keeping my house organized has allowed me to live well in each of these categories this week.

Involuntary Service

When I was activated for duty in the reserves it was under "Involuntary Orders". I was going weather or not I wanted.

I feel a little bit like that now. I got to work on Tuesday and found out my job description was changing. We're facing a budget shortfall, and to make up the difference, we've added an ESL course to our summer workload. Too bad we couldn't add an ESL teacher too.

I have some background in ESL, although I never did get fully certified. I even taught an ESL course my first semester teaching. But I wasn't expecting to switch classes this summer, and I'm a little worried.

First of all, my boss, who has a background in psychology instead of education, will be teaching my regular GED class. He's a pretty capable guy, at least I would think so, but teaching is no easy thing to learn. I stayed up late last night trying to find any material I could give him to help prepare him for a classroom. Today when I asked if he was receptive to information, and he took the literature, but seemed to think he'd be fine on his own. He's taken Ed Psych, he said, and I guess to him that's all a person really needs....

And I'm a little insulted. I offered to help in developing some lesson plans, and while he said he'd listen to me, he also said he wouldn't guarantee that he'd listen to my advice..."because it would be a good chance to introduce the students to a different method of teaching". So he thinks the method of someone who has never taught before will be more effective than my own?

I think that in general there's a trend in education to think that it's something anyone can do with or without training, and with or without experience. I've got to tell you that there are very few "naturals" out there who don't need any help getting started. Teaching is a delicate balance, and how many people have you known that can just pick up a bike for the first time and just ride. Even if you're talented it takes time and practice. I'm not saying my boss questions my ability to teach, but he must have at least somewhat bought into this new trend if he's not scared to death of being unprepared for the classroom.

But mostly I'm worried about creating a whole new curriculum for a group of students I don't even know yet. We don't have test scores, or levels of speaking and writing ability. In fact, we're not sure how the assessments will be made, or by whom they'll be made. It's going to be a lot of work pulling a program together within the next month.

For continuity, it probably would have been better for me to continue teaching the GED class and my boss to teach the ESL group. Perhaps he wants to teach the GED class in case he has to eliminate my position in September. The money we will get only alleviates the budget problem until the end of summer, and then we're out of luck. He could want to keep the school going without me. Or perhaps he thinks ESL will be the more difficult class to teach and that time and experience teaching have made me the better choice for the job. I guess only time will tell.

I guess I could choose to leave now, but it won't be easy to find another job. And I really like my job. I'm rather hoping that my boss can find the funding needed to keep us open at least another year.

Thank Goodness the Weatherman was WRONG!

We had a beautiful weekend. I'm so glad I decided to stay put and not pay for a trip to Costa Rica :) As if I could currently afford a trip to Costa Rica.

Instead we went to the Cape and met my cousin once removed. She's a cutie! My cousin and his wife are happily ensconced in their new life, as I suppose it should be. I only got a bit teary once, and only then at discussing my own thoughts on children in the future. Seeing a baby didn't make me want a child more or less, it just made me want to hurry up a bit.

We left early because, although the kid was cute, there's only so much baby talk I can be submitted to right now. The idea was that I'd go to church, but I slept in late anyway and ended up missing the service. Ah well, it was a nice morning in the garden.

My tomatoes are doing well and a few seeds of beans and cucumbers are starting to peep through the earth. My potatoes have made an appearance! For a brief moment I imagined a barren landscape, but everything is beginning to grow....and get eaten by some unknown pest. Note to self, must look into organic methods of aphid removal, or whatever other bug eats spinach.

In the evening I remembered why we enjoy Boston. A few friends joined us for a dinner picnic at the Espinade. It didn't cool off until far later than we expected, but by 7:30 it was just about perfect. We walked over to the North End and grabbed some gelato from a stand and made our way to Revere Park.

Monday was just as nice. I had a groupon to the Isabelle Stewart Gardner Museum so my husband and I cycled over despite the warmth of the day. It's really amazing how a tree lined street can be so much cooler than one that doesn't have any shade. We took a nice bike path along a park I didn't know existed. I've got to return someday and check out the rose garden when everything is in bloom!

The museum was interesting, and easy to see in an afternoon. I wish I'd read up on it before hand and looked for all the missing artwork. I did notice a few empty frames, but didn't really know WHY they were empty until I got home and googled it. I'd like to go back someday when they have music in the courtyard. If I ever become a billionaire, I want a replica of that courtyard.

On our way home we checked out our old garden plot in the Victory Gardens...it was kind of bittersweet. It obviously hasn't been completely abandoned, but our version was better. It's just such a shame that it's too far away to keep. We loved our plot...but now we've got a nice yard to care for.

Work on Tuesday is a huge post of it's own, and one that I won't be able to write with only 7% of my battery life remaining. Until then, happy belated Memorial Day!

Nowhere in the World

I don't know how your weather is, but ours stinks. Actually, I suppose I DO know how your weather is, because I've just spent the last 10 minutes trying to find somewhere...anywhere...that has sunshine. 2+ weeks of cloudy, drizzly weather has beaten me down. I was just about to flee the area over Memorial Day and find somewhere dry (what good is the beach when it's raining anyway?) but guess what, it's raining everywhere!

Where it is expected to be cloudy or rainy over Memorial Day Weekend...

• Washington D.C.
• Chicago
• St. Louis
• Asheville NC
• Charleston SC
• Houston
• Pittsburg
• San Francisco
• Dublin
• Berlin
• Munich
• Sydney
• Cape Town
• Bermuda
• Fiji
• Christchurch New Zealand

Where it will be sunny and cloud free each day?

• Albuquerque, NM
• Tucson, AZ

That's right, the only place in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD (as much as I can google in 10 minutes anyway) that is sunny is the area I consider home. I'd go in a flash, if only ticket prices weren't like $800 right now. I guess everyone needs a little sun right now.

Now, I know it could be much, much worse than Boston. I'm worried about the people in Joplin right now because I know a lot of students who when to my college came from, and returned to, the area. The flooding in Missouri also hits pretty close to home. The blasting of the levee along the Mississippi, and the need for the blast, also puts things in perspective.

Indeed. We ALL need a little sun right now. So do any cultures have an un-rain dance? "Rain, Rain, Go Away" just isn't doing the trick.

Nutritional Workshop

One of the nice things about my company is the professional development offered every year. This year our morning session was on nutrition, which happens to tie into a unit I want to teach this summer. It was very informative...but a bit frustrating from the standpoint of someone who is more organic minded.

I'm pretty sure the class was designed with a more mainstream crowd in mind. There were empty boxes of food on each table so we could practice reading the labels. We went over the evils of empty calories. Weight, shape, and BMI were all clearly laid out.

But...she made it sound like tub margarine was better than butter. She differentiated between "good sugar" and "bad sugar". She offered her opinion on cleanses...which is that anyone who does so must be crazy (because a colonoscopy doesn't make you feel better you know).

Now, my students are light years away from being concerned about the difference in glycemic count between agave nectar, honey, stevia, or maple sugar. They are completely unaware about the posibility of using wheatberries in your cooking, and have no concern about sprouted versus unsprouted flour.

So I should be particularly grateful that this nutritional "counselor" reintroduced me to mainstream thought. Not that I was planning on going so far into healthy eating as I could, but this workshop reminded me to focus on what my students will be able to do.

1) Avoid or reduce saturated fats
2) Reduce sugar intake, particularly in beverages
3) Add whole grains into their diet in some way.
4) Exercise 30 minutes 7 days a week.
5) Recognize a realistic portion size
6) Make sure eating is for nutrition, not for emotional reasons
7) Know the appropriate level for blood sugar, blood pressure, and BMI

Electronic Fast

Last week I decided to make up for my lack of a lent this year. The idea was that I would limit myself to only 3 hours of "escapism" time every week. No internet. No random iPhone games. No books. No TV. Nothing.

This, I decided, would help me re-prioritize my time. I would exercise more. Clean more. Cook more. Generally do more things that I like, or need, to do.

It worked the first week, at least to the point that I have an organized, relatively clean house. I say relatively because the kitchen remains in a constant state of needing to be cleaned and my office needs serious work. I'm not even including Gerd's office, which I'm not touching (really, although it's so tempting). Honestly... I even baked fresh bread.

Note that last week my husband wasn't home. Somehow it's easier to do things when he's not here, even though he's really a supportive kind of guy. Even with the amount of stuff I got done, Friday night killed the fast. I gorged on online HGTV episodes until I couldn't stay awake any longer.

This week I tried again, but the rain has been my enemy. I couldn't HELP but read a book. I mean, what else should you do on a rainy day (never mind the stack of mail that needs to be sorted, or the basement could be tidied, or the bathrooms could be cleaned...) Today is supposed to be Stammtisch, but I just don't want to.

What I want to do is continue to surf the web. Somehow I had a random thought to look online for my high school. Guess what, they have a list of faculty. Most of my most memorable teachers are still there. Most, not all, but enough to wax nostalgic. I even saw a youtube performance by the band...we were way better.

It's actually a bit surprising that I'm sucked back into the world of electronics. I had a wonderful day. I woke up after a (yes, really) 10 hour night of sleep. I took my herbs, which seem to be working. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. The school day went fabulously, and while I won't claim brilliance, all the lessons went well and students were focused. It's just that when I came home I just drained. The thought of using anymore energy did not appeal. I was tired of being peppy and cheerful.

Just do it anyway, right? Drive through the emotion... But why? I don't NEED to do anything. I have no little ones forcing me to put a nice meal on the table or ensure the house won't foster plague type bacterias. Why NOT relax and do nothing? Would I really be happier if I forced myself to do something? I'm not really sure. I've got to tell you, it's pretty interesting to return to high school for an evening (even if it does make me a bit melancholy...boy do I wish I had been more of SOMETHING back then). Thinking back is like watching a really painful yet funny movie, like American Pie.

So what teachers are still there:
Ms. Armstrong, Drama coach and English Teacher
Mr. Stinson, Math teacher (who actually got me to understand algebra enough that I can teach it...despite no training in teaching algebra :)
Mr. Niemiec, Band teacher (thank goodness they now have a separate orchestra teacher)
Mrs. Ottoman, Drama, but she was the best English Comp teacher ever
Mr. Catt (NOT my favorite history teacher, I'm pretty sure he sent Jacob Huck to the principals office for refusing to read round robin from the textbook)
Ms. Chandler (WAS my favorite history teacher, and responsible for me choosing International Relations as a major in college)
Mr. Steckler, Okay, wasn't really a memorable teacher to me at the time, but I do remember him.
Ms. Sherman, Now department chair. I still remember her Spanish idioms.

So if you're reading this, and you still have connections to the area, this probably isn't too surprising to you. For me, I haven't been back to the high school since 1996, and haven't thought about the teachers (except perhaps once or twice in passing) since about then. In fact, I rarely open my year books. I did so today, and was surprised by the lack of signatures on my junior and senior yearbooks. Did I really have so few friends? Maybe that's why I haven't gone back down memory lane before now....

And now I'm going to go back to my fast. Maybe. After I figure out whatever happened to that old abandoned house on Lantern Road.

Wash and Fold Laundry

Did you KNOW that is Boston there's a service called delivery wash and fold laundry?! How could I not have known about this before??? $1.37/pound with pick up and delivery included. That's cheaper that it was when I lived in Fitchburg and had to drive everything over to the laundromat. They even have discounted monthly service plans. Who knew?!?

When we started our bathroom project we had our 220 volt outlet for our dryer moved...and haven't gotten the new dryer yet. We don't use the dryer much anyway usually, but the thing is...I've got a huge backlog of laundry, and it's supposed to rain for the next 5 days. Our indoor laundry rack is already overloaded... so I'm seriously considering this whole someone else doing my laundry for me thing, at least this once. Seriously, with 4 houseguests in the last month I needed to wash every sheet we own, and half of the towels (okay the towels is a bit of an exaggeration).

So what does a load of laundry cost? $20. Is that highway robbery? I'm not sure. A laundromat would probably cost at least $5, so paying someone else to pick up, launder, and deliver my cloths seems pretty realistic. Even still, I won't be using the service regularly. I mean, I probably do (or should do) at least 4 loads of laundry a month. There's no way I can justify $80/month on laundry services when I have a washing machine (no matter how tempting it sounds). But it is nice to know that if I get stuck there's a quick way out. If I can get their website to recognize my address...

Find Something You Love

I have to admit, I was a bit whiny today when I got to my acupuncture appointment. I'm in a rut, a rut that includes a messy house, an upset stomach, and a general apathy for pretty much anything. It just feels like I'm treading water, waiting for something to happen. I don't DO much of anything right now.

I have far more time than most people do. I only work 35 hours per week. I don't have children, I'm not taking classes. I don't have a time consuming hobby. I'm not a fitness fanatic. I don't watch TV, or even read that much during the week. Okay, I surf the web sometimes, but even that can't account for all of my wasted hours.

Really, I should have scads of ways to spend my time. I mean, if nothing else my house should at least be clean. What do I DO with my time????

So at my acupuncturists I asked what to do if I don't do anything. Her response makes complete sense to me...find something you love to do. Find that one thing that you'll do, even if you don't feel like doing anything, just because you love it. The problem is, I don't know what that is.

Some people cook, or write, or sew, or garden. They have some internal need, or want, to do something. I like to do all of the above, but not so much that it's a driving passion. I can tell you for sure that if I don't feel like doing anything I am NOT going to want to cook. Or clean, or well, do anything.

I mean, I have a lot of likes, but not a lot of LOVES. So IS there something out there that I would love, love, love to do? I really don't know.

Ding Dong

I don't rejoice in the death of Osama bin Laden. One friend on Facebook posted the following, and I think it just about sums up my feelings as well...

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars." - Martin Luther King Jr.

So I find myself thinking about the book Wicked, and the different perspective of the death of the wicked witch. (And that's just a movie.) Not everyone is as we portray them, and even the worst sorts have all kinds of hidden sides. I hope for bin Laden's sake that he was a person who loved and was loved by someone, and I hope that those who mourn him can find their way around the hate that is so present in our world today.

Adult

An unexpected bright part of the week! A visit from one of my best friends from high school!! Kelly had a conference in Boston and was able to sneak away for a evening. We went to Petit Robert, my favorite restaurant, although perhaps we should have gone elsewhere. I'd forgotten Kelly's gluten intolerance so she ended up with mussels instead of the requested "meat". Still, it's such a nice place to sit and talk, and the weather was nice enough for us to sit outside and relax.

Kelly had to go to Danvers the following day so she spent the night and I lent her my car. She got up early enough to ALMOST miss the rush hour traffic...on the way to work. Unfortunately she ended up in terrible traffic on the way back and was so late I was worried she'd miss her flight. Turns out I didn't need to worry about it. Fifteen minutes after dropping her off at the airport Kelly called to have me come pick her up again...her flight was canceled.

Bonus! Well, for me anyway. Kelly was looking forward to a flight home so she could run up to Chicago for the Gluten Free Festival... Instead we ended up touring Boston's Chinatown. We were supposed to head up to the North End for Italian gluten free pasta, but without my iPhone I made a few directional mistakes and began to stress out a little We ended up at a sushi place that was excellent (I even liked the raw eel!).

It's wonderful to see her again, but strange to see her as an adult. We have houses and significant others and real jobs... The last time we hung out, other than at a weekend wedding trip, was when we were in college! Sure, I've seen her a few times since, and it's nice but odd each time. Still, there's an easiness about us as friends, so while it isn't the same, it's comfortable to be around her again. We agreed, we shouldn't wait so long to see each other next time.

The downside of the week was the loss of my new iPhone. I finally broke down and bought an iPhone 4. The first day I had students it was stolen. I had it out to time a student, and within 30 minutes (while I was in the room) it disappeared. It's $600 to replace it so I'm still deciding what to do.... it was a very expensive mistake to leave my phone on my desk. I'm pretty sure I know who took it, but I'll never be able to prove it...it's gone. What ticks me off most is IF it really is who I think it is, I know what the money was for. I'm not entirely pro-life anymore, but that doesn't mean I want my property to be used to fund an abortion.

So the week has been a mixed bag. All in all though, a visit from an old friend is a great balm for an otherwise crummy week.

Storm Passing Over

The Storm is Passing Over is a song we sing in our choir frequently. I love it. I really do. Music is one of the ways that feel connected to God, and it almost always makes me feel better.

I've been absent from all things church lately. With all of the stress I've been under I haven't much been up for a crowd of people. Oh I know that church would be good for me, but this slump has been bigger than any motivation to make it out of the house. I ALMOST made it to Easter service, but I didn't. It's almost like I gave up church for lent.

But somehow I feel like the storm really is passing over.

Over Before You Know It

Well, I was expecting a negative pregnancy test. I thought the answer was going to be simple, I either was, or was not pregnant, right? Wrong.

Apparently you *can* be "sort of" pregnant. I got a call saying that my hCG levels were only at 20, rather than the expected 200 mLU. The physicians assistant told me that there were three options.

1) Implantation had been delayed and everything would be fine
2) I was in the process of a miscarriage
3) I had an ectopic pregnancy (that would result in miscarriage)

Of course I was hoping for the first option, but by the evening it became clear that I wouldn't be keeping this one. Not great news.

Years ago no one would have known I was even pregnant, so I'm trying to look at it that way. I don't know if I'd rather it hadn't worked at all or not. On one hand, it worked! On the other hand, if it wasn't viable, why not? Will any further attempts be viable? But if it hadn't worked I'd have wondered if it would ever work.

So I'm bitterly disappointed and debating future options. We'd planned on doing at least one more IVF cycle if this one didn't work, but were looking into insurance programs. The insurance issue deserves a post of its own, so I won't get into that nightmare now. The cost for one cycle, that we'd have to pay on our own, adds up to $17,000. If we want genetic testing to make sure the embryos are viable, that costs an additional $3000. So the question isn't just CAN I get pregnant, it's also can I AFFORD to get pregnant?

Top 10

Here's my top 10 favorite romantic comedies for when you just want to escape real life for a while.

1) While You Were Sleeping
2) Cutting Edge
3) The Truth About Cats and Dogs
4) French Kiss
5) Pretty Woman
6) The Proposal
7) Return to Me
8) Practical Magic
9) The Wedding Planner
10) Overboard

These are ranked in the order of most favorite to least favorite for a dreary day. They aren't necessarily the best movies, but they're my standbys. Sure, there are a ton of other romantic comedies out there, Meg Ryan almost deserves her own category, but these are the ones I return to most frequently. So what movies do you turn to when you want to escape?

One Drop Too Many

Yes, this is a phone post.

I love my iPhone. Really, I do. But the thing is, an iPhone without a fully functional display screen is not exactly great. Oh, it works still, but it will flip from regular brightness to super dim spontaneously (so dim you can't read the screen). Gerd's sure it's a loose wire, and all we need to do is find a screwdriver small enough to open up the case.

I took the opportunity to go look at androids. There doesn't appear to be a Sprint store in Boston (maybe they only sell online now?) but I passed a T Mobile store on the way to acupuncture today. Yes, I realize ATT may absorb T Mobile soon, but I'm sure they would have to honor contracts already signed.

As nice as the alternatives are, there's one main problem I still haven't resolved. I LOVE my calendar. My calendar is linked via Mobile Me to my laptop. Anytime I put in an event it's automatically synced to my home calendar, I don't have to plug my phone into my computer, it just works. The alerts that I set up will also alert me, by way of a pop up text box on my computer, that I have something to do.

I'm aware that androids will sync just fine for regular PC users, but I have a Mac. I love my mac, even when I run into difficulties like this. I've been trying to decide if I could live without the easy access to my calendar, but I kind of whine every time I think about giving up a really nice feature.

If I did give up the auto-sync option and get an android, I could avoid ATT and the iPhone glitches. I could get a PC too, therefore making everything more workable from an android point of view. Or, I could get an iPhone 4, which would lock me into ANOTHER 2 years with ATT, and I still wouldn't have an unlocked phone for Europe. I could get a refurbished iPhone 3gs for $20 or a refurbished iPhone 4 for $100 (still stuck with the contract). Also, I'm not so sure about the refurbished bit, especially for the IP4, considering it had a feature called the "death grip" when it first rolled out.

I'm not up for replacing my laptop if I don't absolutely need to. It's almost 4 years old, which is old by laptop years, but it works just fine (knock on wood) and if it breaks I know I can get it fixed for a $250 flat rate. I've been debating fixing it up anyway because it could use a new case, but it would be a waste if something else decided to break after sending it off to be repaired.

So really, I think sticking with the iPhone is probably my best bet right now. The only question is, how greedy am I? Twenty dollars is completely affordable, but an upgrade is sooo tempting. I'd get a flash for my camera! (seems like a little thing, but my phone is seriously about my only camera now). There are so many things I don't like about the iPhone, and ATT, but so far the perks are outweighing the drawbacks. (perks: easy compatibility, I already know how it works, I don't need to purchase any apps again on a new network, and drawbacks: dropped calls, high bill)

I'm so tempted to just live without a cell phone at all. Just let it break and never replace it. BUT, I know the first time I get lost, or miss an appointment, or wish I'd brought a book with me on the subway I'd be cursing myself for giving up on technology.

Inside an OR

Pretty much all of my experiences with doctors to date have been in a regular doctor's office. I have been to the hospital once, but even there I was put in a private area while waiting for tests. It was a surprise then, when I got to the back side of the IVF place.

It's kind of an open concept. You pass a whole bunch of other women siting in recliners, all garbed in matching hospital gowns and robes, each wearing their required "warm pair of socks", until you get to your plastic covered recliner. There's a curtain separating all the women, so once you're seated, you really can't see anyone, but you can hear all the women speaking with their husbands or partners. I got a bit nervous when I overheard the woman next to me was asking how many eggs she had last time, which was 19....I was told I had only 7 follicles last time I spoke with the nurse.

Somehow I never realized that I would be in a hospital like environment, but it definitely was that. After about an hour of waiting they took me back to the operating room. Now THAT was surreal. Sterile empty room, attending nurses, big machines, operating lamp, surgical tray...It looked a bit like a hospital room from a horror movie. I guess for most operations the patient (victim) is already asleep before being wheeled in. I've got to tell you, it's pretty hard to make yourself sit down on an operating table.

The anesthesiologist was very nice, especially considering how nervous I must have seemed. He told me to think of some version of paradise. I said New Mexico. He said that seemed a bit domestic. I told him I liked the desert. He agreed that it was nice. That's the last thing I remember.

I really wanted to remember waking up. I have no memory of waking up, or of moving from the OR to the recovery room (another plastic covered recliner). I seemed to be (nearly) completely with it as soon as I woke up. The nurse couldn't find my husband, so she commenced to telling me all kinds of important information that I was sure I'd forgot. (fortunately there's a take home brochure). It turns out I had 15 eggs retrieved, way more than I thought (although some will be bigger than others). I'll get a call tomorrow to see how many fertilized. On Saturday they'll put the little guys back where they belong and then hope for the best.

What a strange way to go about having children.

Trigger Shot

Tonight's the night! Well, sort of. It's the night I take my last shot (ever I hope :). At 8:30 promptly I have to take some drug that does something that allows doctors to remove follicles from my ovaries. 36 hours later they put the fertilized ones back and we hope it works from there. Two weeks of waiting and we find out if the trigger worked. I probably won't post anything if it's good news, so if you don't hear me whine in a couple of weeks, it could be good news, or I could be busy trying to work out my frustration in the garden.

Interesting that it's called a trigger shot I think. Like it's a race. Life in general has felt a bit like a race lately, so it's pretty appropriate. We've got until the end of the week to decide if Gerd wants to keep his position and move to Dallas, or if he wants to be demoted to a developer (probably facing a salary cut) and continue working from home for a while. Dallas isn't really an option, but New Mexico is. The company would let him work 3 days a week in Dallas and fly back to NM and work from home the rest of the week. But, like I said, we have a week to decide if we want to move our entire household in the next month or two.

It's all got me thinking about where we really do want to live with children. We could move anywhere while Gerd's working from home. Why live in the most expensive city when you can live somewhere cheap and earn the same salary? We have good friends in Boston, a church that I love, I finally found a counselor I feel comfortable with...in other words, life is pretty good here. But can we afford it without my salary? With a pay cut? And if IVF doesn't work, can we afford to live here AND adopt? Plus there's the school issue, I mean, Boston public schools are seriously troublesome (but Albuquerque's aren't any better).

We could move to Denver, which is a place both of us could enjoy, but we don't know anyone there (with the exception of some of my SCA acquaintances that I haven't seen in years). We could move to upstate New York to be near my parents, but there really aren't that many jobs that would interest my husband in the long run (plus he seems to hate cities that aren't dense, urban, smog infested areas...you know, heaven forbid everyone has yard on all 4 sides, and with a garage no less).

Or we could stay put and hope that he finds (actually starts looking for) another job. We've got tons of expenses right now, the bathroom, IVF (although this cycle was mostly covered by insurance if it doesn't work we'll have to pay 100% of any future cycles), Gerd's annual German retirement account transfer, fixing the Mini so we can sell it, finally moving his stuff over from Dublin... We can say we'll stay on budget, but it's all a lot right now.

So I'm like the athlete with her feet in the blocks, waiting for the sound of the gun. You try not to stress, instead to free your mind and just run, and to trust that you've done all you could up until this point and remain calm, because you know that you'll actually do better if you relax. But somehow you still notice a bead of sweat dripping down your brow.

Now!? Really????

We knew this weekend would be a busy one. Gerd moved out of his office yesterday, but we still need to go back for the furniture he's taking for his home office, and for the supplies that will be donated to my school. On top of that we've got a bathroom floor to finish, along with (hopefully) a bathroom flange and vanity installation.

So although I've been looking forward to my Fedco order, I'm not exactly ecstatic that everything came this weekend. We were expecting it NEXT weekend. The weekend that my parents could actually come and bring the rototiller. The weekend after Gerd's office move. The weekend after we finished the bathroom....


Nope. They're here now, like a premature baby. I've got Reliance Seedless Grapes, Polana Raspberries, Western Sandcherry bushes, and Lowbush Blueberry bushes. I was pretty sure there was more on the way, but I'm wondering if I removed the cherries (Sandcherries are supposed to be more like plums). Hmm.

I've not had a lot of luck with dry root plants, so we'll see how it goes. The order was expensive enough that I really need to get it right this time. I'm not sure I will though, the guide tells me that I should avoid planting fruit trees in south facing yards, but that's all I've got. I'm also running into problems with the Ph level of the soil. My new blueberries (thankfully NOT dry root) are supposed to have soil that's a Ph of no higher than 5.6. Mine is around 7.0ish. At least the best I can tell from my novice chemistry kit. I'm really wishing I'd learned more science in high school and college.


So upon my step-father's instructions we're soaking the plants for tomorrow's planting. I figure if I can get up early enough I can get to the garden center and buy supplies (including soil amendments to lower Ph level), come home and plant everything before noon....ha. I'm leaning toward pushing off the furniture retrieval mission until Sunday so that all the house stuff is done first. That should cut down on the mess before bringing new stuff into a construction dust house, right?

Spring Surprises!

Okay, so I've been trying to cut down on internet/phone time, and since that date I think I've increased my online time instead. BUT...somehow by trying to avoid technology I have been getting other stuff done. Today after work I managed to move a raised bed, go to Home Depot (again), cook dinner, and write a long letter to Stammtisch about upcoming event ideas (without spending hours distracted surfing the web). All in all, a pretty productive day!



The highlight of the day was definitely working in the garden. It's so nice to be able to go outside and not see snow! While outside I discovered some spring surprises. First, I discovered that a plant I assumed was dead last winter actually grew despite the snow. I have a neglected Brussels Sprouts plant! Okay, I don't anymore because it looked like it was done in, but it DID have a handful of harvestable sprouts!!! YUM!!!



Grandpa's garlic is starting to pop through the soil so I spent a little time fending off the grass. Since carrots were in the same bed I came up with a few leftovers. Last week I found bigger examples, but we ate them before pictures were taken (they were crisp and wonderful!).



Of course the hunt for live plants was on from there. I discovered the Rhubarb was starting to sprout, and one leftover scallion is growing. In one of the pots I discovered some kind of bulb growing, but I have no idea what kind of plant it is, or even if it's edible or not. One of the flowers in my decorative section is starting to show a little color, but I also don't know what it is!

Not The Way It Goes

I was going to get up this morning (early) and start blasting some cleaning music. The house desperately (and I do mean desperately) needs to be cleaned. Like, cleaned after some major construction work cleaned.

I even downloaded some of the music from my childhood to help motivate me. I don't know what other people listened to when they were going up, by my household was entirely contemporary Christian. I had Evie, and Amy Grant, Twila Paris, and Joni Earikson Tada (who I was surprised to find had recently battled breast cancer). This collection of songs might sound like odd choice of accompaniment to cleaning for some, but whenever cleaning day came around (less frequently than it probably should have) the music went on high and we would dust, vacuum, sweep, mop, scour, and tidy until the house was once again spotless.

It was while searching for all this old music that I finally remembered what I read growing up. One of my friends and I were talking about young adult literature, and how I hadn't read Roal Dahl growing up, or many other well known YA authors either. I knew I'd read a lot growing up, but I couldn't remember what. Now I do. I read Christian contemporary authors. Jeanette Oak, the Mandy Series (boy did I love those books!), I read Ruth, and Easter (the fictional stories), and I did read some non-Christian literature like James Michner Books, Alaska and Texas. I also read Clan of the Cave Bear, Madeline L'Engle, and CS Lewis's The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (which could count as Christian).

I typically wanted my books thick and my characters interesting. I didn't really turn away from Christian fiction until I read one bad book, still can't remember the name, in which God gave up on someone. I put the book down, half unread and never picked up another Christian book again. I did something similar with Danielle Steele a while later, she described, in detail, an abortion. I read a part, then put down the book unfinished and never read another book of hers again. Weird.

But none of this helps with the cleaning, or the cooking (which is actually way more important). I want to cook for the week and I haven't even made it to the store yet. I slept 12 hours last night and then later took another 3 hour nap (who knows if I'll sleep at all tonight). Either this is the medicine or I just really, really needed to catch up on sleep. Since I haven't been sleeping well for a while, I'm hoping this is just a one shot deal, and that tomorrow I'll wake up ready for vigorous activity.

Rashing on Teachers

Naturally, as a teacher, I'm not completely immune to the current atmosphere surrounding education. There seems to be a movement, if I can call it that, that tends to believe that the problem with today's schools is most likely to do with a failure of the teachers. Test scores, it is said, will demonstrate effective teachers and ineffective ones. The corporate world operates with goals and benchmarks, so why then can't education?

Well, let me tell you.

First of all, we need to look at schools that function. Yes, some of those schools are in the United States. Some are public, some are private, and some are charter (the miracle drug for the "union problem"). Regardless of WHERE these schools are, if they're effective, you have a community that supports, respects, and believes in the teachers, administrators, and staff of each effective school.

Do new teachers exist in these schools? Sometimes. Are all teachers at their absolute best everyday? No, even experienced teachers have rough days. But in these schools we have support for newer, or struggling teachers, and faith in administrators to educate, mentor, and otherwise lift up all stakeholders in the school. In the best schools in the world you will find a supportive system for teachers and students alike.

Now the common viewpoint on public schools is that a) they're union, and therefore bad teachers can't be fired, b) better teachers leave for better schools so the schools that need the most work have the least effective teachers, and c) if we had more effective teachers in poor schools we would see student's test scores rise.

A) Teachers can be fired. In New Mexico there are schools where the union is pretty strong (perhaps stronger than it should be) but even there, bad teachers CAN get fired with proper documentation. Somehow, however, in NM bad teachers drift from one school district to another. How is it that administrators hire someone who isn't an effective teacher? THAT is a practice that needs to be looked into.

You know, before moving to Massachusetts, where teachers seem to be a dime a dozen (for my long term sub job I was chosen from 300 applicants), I'd never demo taught a lesson before being hired before. As horrible as the experience of demo teaching was for me, I think it's a valuable exercise (you have to put A LOT of effort in to get hired around here). It gives an administrator an idea of what kind of teacher you can be. Perhaps we shouldn't focus on firing people, but on making sure that we're hiring people who really are the best fit for the school?

B) The only reason better teachers leave bad schools is because bad schools are typically overrun with unresolved socioeconomic problems. It is literally exhausting going to work on a daily basis, and in addition to teaching curriculum, you have to deal with students recovering from drive by shootings, rape, teen pregnancy, homelessness, abuse...well, you get the idea. We are not counselors. In most schools these students have a social worker who is supposed to help students through the worst things in their lives, but in reality the teacher gets the brunt end of all the stuff that's going on in their students lives (not in terms of opening up usually, but in bad moods, withdrawn moods, etc.). IF by some miracle, we could really help students who need help, we might see a more effective classroom. If we had better classes, we'd have teachers stick to poor classrooms. It's not like teachers go into teaching for money, power or fame. They get involved because they're helpers (if you think it's for the summers off, many teachers end up getting a part time job in the summer to support themselves).

C) Test scores are a reflection of curriculum. The richer the curriculum, the more critical thinking skills a student will have, and the better they will perform. Analyzing test scores is a tool, not an answer to our problems. If you want a good education you offer deep, meaningful instruction. The more we focus on tests, the less we focus on teaching. The less we focus on teaching the worse off we will actually be. The corporate world takes managers and gives them benchmarks. They say to the manager that his or her employees must produce so much work by a certain time and they're rewarded when their goals are met. Their employees are already trained and can be fired if they don't perform. Students are not trained, they are being trained, and they are legally required to stay in school. The system does NOT work for schools.

In districts where there is poverty, schools are not going to get better until society is fixed.

As a GED teacher I get the students who were unable to get through the current system, and I ask myself what could have worked differently in their favor. Would a better teacher have made a difference? On average, my high school drop-outs left school around 10th grade (usually after having a child or being kicked out of their house). They have a reading level of approximately a 4th or 5th grader, although some students score 8th grade or higher, and math skills anywhere between 3rd grade and 8th grade. In my, not so professional opinion, there's not much a different teacher could have done for them. They need smaller classes, more attention, and an extreme amount of support. They simply were not in a (mental) place where they could learn before, and there was no place they could go to be removed from the class to make it a better place for other students to learn.

So, here's my platform. My reform movement so to speak.

1) Create a community in which learners have the social, emotional, and educational support necessary for them to focus on school instead of outside pressures.
2) Hire good teachers and then revere them. In some countries being a teacher is one of the most respected positions a person can hold. Support teachers who need help, they're not much different from their students and will improve if given the right opportunities.
3) Focus on rich curriculum, not on tests. Not only will this allow bright students to excel, it will draw on a student's natural instinct to learn.
4) Figure out, as a society, what we want for students who aren't going to go into white collar jobs. Since we've shipped away so many manufacturing jobs we've got a whole bunch of people, in and out of school that we don't know what to do with.
5) Feed students real food. Seriously, have you seen what kids are eating these days? Even the official school food is mostly filler with very little whole grain and is so processed there's not much nutrition left. Sure it'd be great if parents would feed their children well, but remember, the students who need schools to provide food are the ones sending their kids to school with a sticky bun and mountain dew as breakfast (so the sugar wears off right around math class).

The DO NOT list includes:

1) Don't destroy (or avoid) unions. Teachers don't make that much and they need to feel secure in their jobs to take the risk to grow and improve. If they don't have secured benefits, they do have other choices in careers.
2) Don't blame teachers for society's ills. It is not the teacher's fault that some student's don't want, or can't learn. The brain simply can't function as well when it is stressed. Students are stressed, and not learning. When teachers are stressed, they also will not learn.
3) Don't make a teacher's day longer. If you want to add sports or art or whatever else needs to be added to a student's day, great! Do so! But don't add it to the responsibilities of the teacher. The teacher needs to teach and plan, and they'll do their best when given enough time and space to do so. In fact, I think every student should have 2 hours of extracurricular stuff built in during the day, but taught by someone other than the regular ed teacher. (I call it the boarding school model because that's how fancy schools do it).

Okay, that's my soapbox. It's probably similar to every other post I've written on education, but I just had to get that off of my chest.