I've been looking forward to this weekend. I'm hoping to get caught up with all my grading, clean my house, and get my clothes to the dry cleaners. Big plans.
Except a piece of me wanted to get away. On Facebook I started a map of all the places I've been and my travel bug hit me again. I thought about things I've wanted to do in the area and remembered that I really want to go to Two Buttons someday.
Two Buttons is the import store owned by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. One of my New Mexico friends told me about the book a while back. She said I should read it because it reminded her of me and my letters from overseas. Of course I read it, and she's right. Elizabeth Gilbert is me if I were to take a year off and go exploring. I love to travel, I love to learn languages, and I love to look for God. Okay, I don't really love to eat, but I'd love to spend a few months in an ashram.
But since I understand, and a very deep level, everything she writes about, I'd hoped to go explore her store someday. I went to look up the address...and the store's been shut down.
The building wasn't up to code, but they are planning to open someday in a new location. Who knows where I'll live by then. I am mightily disappointed that I won't be able to visit soon.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I was crazy once, they put me in a room, a rubber room, with rats, I hate rats, they drive me crazy
It's an endless circle.
I need a job in which I'm feel like I'm making a difference. I'm not just plugging away at a desk, what I do matters.
Except lately, I haven't felt the same way. I get so stressed out trying to make sure I do a good job because teaching is so important. It matters that I'm prepared, that a lesson goes well, that I'm challenging my students. So if something goes wrong, I'm hard on myself.
I've been wishing for a job at Wal-Mart, or a video store. Or some other job that doesn't require me to change the world.
Except I know I'd get bored. And even if I did find a mindless job that made a difference I'd still get stressed, because it would matter. And if I had a mindless job I still might stress about making enough money or feeling unchallenged, or losing my job.
People tell me that teaching shouldn't be stressful, and that those who are too introspective about teaching don't last long in the teaching world. I can see the truth in it.
I love teaching. I love creating lesson plans. I love the atmosphere of learning, and the days when students show that they get something.
I don't love it when things go wrong. Teaching is also a lot of work, and it's work that you can't really put off for a day. Plus you have to keep going "on stage" so to speak, even when you don't have a good day.
And I mess up a lot
I misspell things on the board. I hate that, but it's pretty common considering I've always had trouble with spelling.
I've caught myself telling students the wrong thing, mixing up the Robber Barons and their stories is just one example. Sure I went back and corrected my mistake, but still. I'm very hard on myself when I make a mistake.
The question is, am I calling teaching into question because I didn't get the job? Because I might have to more to New Mexico to continue teaching? Because I really don't belong teaching? Because my insecurities are creeping up due to the unsettledness of my life?
Whatever the reason, I really wish I felt better about myself. I wish I could let my mistakes go. And I wish I knew what to do about the future.
I need a job in which I'm feel like I'm making a difference. I'm not just plugging away at a desk, what I do matters.
Except lately, I haven't felt the same way. I get so stressed out trying to make sure I do a good job because teaching is so important. It matters that I'm prepared, that a lesson goes well, that I'm challenging my students. So if something goes wrong, I'm hard on myself.
I've been wishing for a job at Wal-Mart, or a video store. Or some other job that doesn't require me to change the world.
Except I know I'd get bored. And even if I did find a mindless job that made a difference I'd still get stressed, because it would matter. And if I had a mindless job I still might stress about making enough money or feeling unchallenged, or losing my job.
People tell me that teaching shouldn't be stressful, and that those who are too introspective about teaching don't last long in the teaching world. I can see the truth in it.
I love teaching. I love creating lesson plans. I love the atmosphere of learning, and the days when students show that they get something.
I don't love it when things go wrong. Teaching is also a lot of work, and it's work that you can't really put off for a day. Plus you have to keep going "on stage" so to speak, even when you don't have a good day.
And I mess up a lot
I misspell things on the board. I hate that, but it's pretty common considering I've always had trouble with spelling.
I've caught myself telling students the wrong thing, mixing up the Robber Barons and their stories is just one example. Sure I went back and corrected my mistake, but still. I'm very hard on myself when I make a mistake.
The question is, am I calling teaching into question because I didn't get the job? Because I might have to more to New Mexico to continue teaching? Because I really don't belong teaching? Because my insecurities are creeping up due to the unsettledness of my life?
Whatever the reason, I really wish I felt better about myself. I wish I could let my mistakes go. And I wish I knew what to do about the future.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Jamaican Pepper Shrimp
Three years ago I was in Phoenix for a reserve drill and one of the other soldiers I was out with gave me a bite of his Jamaican Pepper Shrimp at the Cheesecake Factory.
Now, I like food like anyone else does, but it's never been all that important to me. I'm about as content with a box of cheap macaroni and cheese as I am with shrimp scampi (well, okay, most nights). But this taste was so good that I kept the idea in the back of my mind that I would order the shrimp at the Cheesecake Factory the next time I went.
Except, then I was going to deploy and moved quickly, and didn't even know Boston had a franchise out here. Most of the time we're off in more local restaurants anyway. But today, on the way to the Mac store (to fix my computer) we walked through the Prudential shopping center. Low and behold, Cheesecake Factory.
Two hours of tech support later and I was starving. So I ordered the Jamaican Pepper Shrimp. It was just as good as I remembered it.
Food that you can remember 3 years later is usually pretty good (or pretty bad I suppose). Gerd, who typically doesn't like shrimp, has vowed that's his next order when we go back. And, because of the shrimp, were's now planning our next meal out.
If you have a Cheesecake Factory, and like spicy food, try it. Even if it takes you three years to find one, it's worth the wait.
Now, I like food like anyone else does, but it's never been all that important to me. I'm about as content with a box of cheap macaroni and cheese as I am with shrimp scampi (well, okay, most nights). But this taste was so good that I kept the idea in the back of my mind that I would order the shrimp at the Cheesecake Factory the next time I went.
Except, then I was going to deploy and moved quickly, and didn't even know Boston had a franchise out here. Most of the time we're off in more local restaurants anyway. But today, on the way to the Mac store (to fix my computer) we walked through the Prudential shopping center. Low and behold, Cheesecake Factory.
Two hours of tech support later and I was starving. So I ordered the Jamaican Pepper Shrimp. It was just as good as I remembered it.
Food that you can remember 3 years later is usually pretty good (or pretty bad I suppose). Gerd, who typically doesn't like shrimp, has vowed that's his next order when we go back. And, because of the shrimp, were's now planning our next meal out.
If you have a Cheesecake Factory, and like spicy food, try it. Even if it takes you three years to find one, it's worth the wait.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Goodbye Seniors
It's the last week of school for the seniors at Bedford High.
I don't remember any antics from my senior year, but I'm guessing, if we had any, there weren't as crazy as this school.
Today, seniors had to walk down the halls holding an underclassman's hand, while riding a broomstick with a sock on their non-dominant hand. The game is called Spoons, and it's like an assassin game. Students get spoons with names on them that they must attack. If they find that student without the "immunity" ie broom, sock, freshman, they can be hit by a spoon and their out of the game.
While technically this is not supposed to interfere with classes (students can only be spooned outside of class hours) somehow the whole school is involved.
My freshmen were late today because they were busy walking their seniors to class on time. My seniors, which I have during one lunch, hung out my window to egg others on to spoon one another.
One of my seniors duck taped his broom between his legs so he wouldn't have to carry it. The whole thing is pretty funny to watch.
I understand that it gets even better tomorrow...the last day of school for seniors. Tonight they would have illegally painted the senior parking lot with gobs of paint that they hurl at one another. Apparently students historically show up in the same, painted outfit, the next day.
So, they're celebrating their graduation and so am I. The rest of the school still has a month of school to go. I get an additional prep period to work on grades and lesson plans. MUCH NEEDED TIME.
But will I miss the seniors and their antics. You bet.
I don't remember any antics from my senior year, but I'm guessing, if we had any, there weren't as crazy as this school.
Today, seniors had to walk down the halls holding an underclassman's hand, while riding a broomstick with a sock on their non-dominant hand. The game is called Spoons, and it's like an assassin game. Students get spoons with names on them that they must attack. If they find that student without the "immunity" ie broom, sock, freshman, they can be hit by a spoon and their out of the game.
While technically this is not supposed to interfere with classes (students can only be spooned outside of class hours) somehow the whole school is involved.
My freshmen were late today because they were busy walking their seniors to class on time. My seniors, which I have during one lunch, hung out my window to egg others on to spoon one another.
One of my seniors duck taped his broom between his legs so he wouldn't have to carry it. The whole thing is pretty funny to watch.
I understand that it gets even better tomorrow...the last day of school for seniors. Tonight they would have illegally painted the senior parking lot with gobs of paint that they hurl at one another. Apparently students historically show up in the same, painted outfit, the next day.
So, they're celebrating their graduation and so am I. The rest of the school still has a month of school to go. I get an additional prep period to work on grades and lesson plans. MUCH NEEDED TIME.
But will I miss the seniors and their antics. You bet.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Dreams
Have you ever dreamt a commercial?
Well, last night I had a dream commercial for sunflower seeds. No, sunflower seeds are not particularly important to me, I do not regularly, or have not recently, eaten sunflower seeds. I don't know if there's any subliminal message to myself in sunflower seeds, but nothing comes to mind.
The dream started off with a few dogs running wild in a huge yard. They were jumping over cows and splattering them with mud. It was then that I realized that it wasn't a yard, but a zoo. The cows wandered over to some water and splashed the giraffes as they went by. The giraffes threw leaves down on the lions. The lions ran down the rows of a field (like in a farm) and splattered a row of sunflowers.
A man was standing by one of the sunflowers and asked what it would do to him. If the sunflower would spit their seeds at him, or wrap their roots around him. The sunflower responded, "We won't do anything bad to you, we're 100% healthy for the heart".
The camera paned out, the sun was shinning, and all the animals were back to normal again.
Well, last night I had a dream commercial for sunflower seeds. No, sunflower seeds are not particularly important to me, I do not regularly, or have not recently, eaten sunflower seeds. I don't know if there's any subliminal message to myself in sunflower seeds, but nothing comes to mind.
The dream started off with a few dogs running wild in a huge yard. They were jumping over cows and splattering them with mud. It was then that I realized that it wasn't a yard, but a zoo. The cows wandered over to some water and splashed the giraffes as they went by. The giraffes threw leaves down on the lions. The lions ran down the rows of a field (like in a farm) and splattered a row of sunflowers.
A man was standing by one of the sunflowers and asked what it would do to him. If the sunflower would spit their seeds at him, or wrap their roots around him. The sunflower responded, "We won't do anything bad to you, we're 100% healthy for the heart".
The camera paned out, the sun was shinning, and all the animals were back to normal again.
My computer is in pieces
This weekend my computer died. It died, but not before taking blood and stealing files.
It might have lived had I taken it to the doctor, but I went to my boyfriend instead. Maybe that's why it bit him.
It started when I was working downstairs, laptop on my knees, sitting on our couch. I saw a fatal error I'd never seen before, the equivalent of the blue screen of death. Macs don't get blue screens of death, they get a message in 5 languages asking you to shut down your computer manually.
So I complied, and it worked, but then it did it again. and again. and again.
My boyfriend's good with computers, so I thought he could tell me what was wrong. I did NOT expect him to run downstairs, swearing, holding a bleeding hand.
He took my computer apart with a knife.
Really.
A Knife.
Apparently the screws were too small for his repair kit, so he resorted to a Swiss army knife. He claims he slipped, I'm guessing the computer snapped at him.
Had he told me he was planning on opening my computer (with a knife) I would have told him we could take it to the Apple store. Not only do they have small screwdrivers, but they have re-installation disks. My disk is in New Mexico...of course.
So after I ran to the store to get butterfly closures, gauze, and iodine, he managed to get the computer open, remove half of my computer's memory (a lobotomy!) and open the operating system. I have a computer that has a black background with white code on it.
He even managed to save most of my files, except the ones that didn't transfer, but he claims he'll find the rest tonight.
Regardless, it looks like I might need a new computer. Great. Did I mention I'm out of a job in a month. Perfect timing.
It might have lived had I taken it to the doctor, but I went to my boyfriend instead. Maybe that's why it bit him.
It started when I was working downstairs, laptop on my knees, sitting on our couch. I saw a fatal error I'd never seen before, the equivalent of the blue screen of death. Macs don't get blue screens of death, they get a message in 5 languages asking you to shut down your computer manually.
So I complied, and it worked, but then it did it again. and again. and again.
My boyfriend's good with computers, so I thought he could tell me what was wrong. I did NOT expect him to run downstairs, swearing, holding a bleeding hand.
He took my computer apart with a knife.
Really.
A Knife.
Apparently the screws were too small for his repair kit, so he resorted to a Swiss army knife. He claims he slipped, I'm guessing the computer snapped at him.
Had he told me he was planning on opening my computer (with a knife) I would have told him we could take it to the Apple store. Not only do they have small screwdrivers, but they have re-installation disks. My disk is in New Mexico...of course.
So after I ran to the store to get butterfly closures, gauze, and iodine, he managed to get the computer open, remove half of my computer's memory (a lobotomy!) and open the operating system. I have a computer that has a black background with white code on it.
He even managed to save most of my files, except the ones that didn't transfer, but he claims he'll find the rest tonight.
Regardless, it looks like I might need a new computer. Great. Did I mention I'm out of a job in a month. Perfect timing.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
The Search Continues
While it's not completely impossible to find another teaching job in Boston, it's probably unlikely. On the off chance someone actually will read my online application, I've submitted my resume with supporting documents to the Newton school district, that has one social studies position open.
Right now I see only 3 positions within an hour drive of Boston, and Newton is one of them. One is a middle school position, which I haven't taken the test for yet, so I may submit the application, but chances there are slim. The other position is in Marblehead and I intend to gather everything together at work tomorrow during my prep and print, because they don't have an online application procedure and I have to mail everything in.
Besides positions within the public schools I've also submitted my resume for an adult education GED program. I volunteered for a while at a program down the street and did enjoy the work. I'm not sure if I'd want a lifetime of it, but I've got to say it was definitely less stressful.
If I don't get a job Gerd thinks I should go back to New Mexico for the year. I don't know what I want to do. On one hand the familiarity of my old school district could be good. I could have a solid year of teaching and get a level 2 license which transfers better to other states AND I could submit a packet for national certification. Of course I could do that anywhere, but I've got a guaranteed position and tenure so it would be easier in New Mexico.
On the other hand, there's no way Gerd would get a job in New Mexico. I've been looking, and it's nearly impossible, especially at his level. We'd have to have a long distance relationship, and while I've asked him to coordinate two long weekends a month, which he thinks he can do, it would still be rough. Granted I'd have Thanksgiving break, Christmas Vacation, and Spring Break to break up the year, plus it's only 10 months total, which is less than people have to deal with in Iraq.
But still, given a choice, do I choose my job over staying near my fiance? He thinks it's worth my sanity to have a bit of financial stability...I had a rough time being unemployed. Plus he says he could look for work nearer Albuquerque and I could follow him when he finds a job nearby.
What I do know is that Boston's a tight market for a teacher, and I don't like the competitive nature of the market. I'm competing with students who have graduated from master's programs at Tufts, Boston University, Harvard, and many other colleges in the are. Plus, while I love Boston, Gerd isn't sure he loves it here. He was looking forward to moving to Colorado. Unfortunately it's probably too late to get licenced for the upcoming school year and find a job. I'll still send in my licnesure packet, but I know how slow education departments work. Understaffed with too many applicants, the licensure department never has enough time to process all the paperwork.
So I'm back to square one. Maybe I'll get a job here...wouldn't that be great. Or maybe I'll chose proximity over security...I could always substitute teach. Or maybe I'll go back to New Mexico for the year and earn a whole bunch of frequent flyer miles. I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Right now I see only 3 positions within an hour drive of Boston, and Newton is one of them. One is a middle school position, which I haven't taken the test for yet, so I may submit the application, but chances there are slim. The other position is in Marblehead and I intend to gather everything together at work tomorrow during my prep and print, because they don't have an online application procedure and I have to mail everything in.
Besides positions within the public schools I've also submitted my resume for an adult education GED program. I volunteered for a while at a program down the street and did enjoy the work. I'm not sure if I'd want a lifetime of it, but I've got to say it was definitely less stressful.
If I don't get a job Gerd thinks I should go back to New Mexico for the year. I don't know what I want to do. On one hand the familiarity of my old school district could be good. I could have a solid year of teaching and get a level 2 license which transfers better to other states AND I could submit a packet for national certification. Of course I could do that anywhere, but I've got a guaranteed position and tenure so it would be easier in New Mexico.
On the other hand, there's no way Gerd would get a job in New Mexico. I've been looking, and it's nearly impossible, especially at his level. We'd have to have a long distance relationship, and while I've asked him to coordinate two long weekends a month, which he thinks he can do, it would still be rough. Granted I'd have Thanksgiving break, Christmas Vacation, and Spring Break to break up the year, plus it's only 10 months total, which is less than people have to deal with in Iraq.
But still, given a choice, do I choose my job over staying near my fiance? He thinks it's worth my sanity to have a bit of financial stability...I had a rough time being unemployed. Plus he says he could look for work nearer Albuquerque and I could follow him when he finds a job nearby.
What I do know is that Boston's a tight market for a teacher, and I don't like the competitive nature of the market. I'm competing with students who have graduated from master's programs at Tufts, Boston University, Harvard, and many other colleges in the are. Plus, while I love Boston, Gerd isn't sure he loves it here. He was looking forward to moving to Colorado. Unfortunately it's probably too late to get licenced for the upcoming school year and find a job. I'll still send in my licnesure packet, but I know how slow education departments work. Understaffed with too many applicants, the licensure department never has enough time to process all the paperwork.
So I'm back to square one. Maybe I'll get a job here...wouldn't that be great. Or maybe I'll chose proximity over security...I could always substitute teach. Or maybe I'll go back to New Mexico for the year and earn a whole bunch of frequent flyer miles. I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Didn't get the job
I didn't think I did all that well on my graded lesson plan interview. Everything went wrong and I couldn't seem to fix it, and it turns out I didn't reflect on it the right way either. I also don't have the amount of high school experience the other teachers who interviewed did have, and I didn't stand out as a great candidate. I still say that they've had a month to see me and how I teach, so it can't possibly be about one lesson. Part of me wants to figure out how to do better and improve, and the other part of me wants to quit.
I love teaching, especially when things go right, but I'm seriously starting to wonder if I can be a good teacher. Will I always be the one not chosen? I was one of 10 who made it past the interviews, but I didn't have to interview for this position because I'd made it past the interviews for the long term sub position. I question if I would have made it to interviews this time round if I hadn't already been working there. AND considering I was working there, they must have very little confidence in me to make me re-interview for my job for the upcoming year, and then NOT hire me.
Some say I shouldn't take it too much to heart, but I ask you, if you had to re-interview for your job, and then they chose someone else, how would you feel.
I can use the time to continue to work on my practice, which is the responsible, productive time to do, but right now I don't even want to speak with the interview committee (half of the social studies staff). Hard to invite those who determined that you failed back into your classroom for feedback. I'm open to the feedback, really, and I know it would be helpful, but I'm just so hurt by it all right now that I literally find myself actively avoiding them in the school right now.
Maybe I'll plan a lesson to beat all lessons and then invite them back. If it goes well it'll be my personal revenge...see what you missed...and if it goes bad at least I'll have feedback and a chance to get better. But I think I'm going to let myself be mad for a little while. I'm really not ready to face the firing squad yet.
I love teaching, especially when things go right, but I'm seriously starting to wonder if I can be a good teacher. Will I always be the one not chosen? I was one of 10 who made it past the interviews, but I didn't have to interview for this position because I'd made it past the interviews for the long term sub position. I question if I would have made it to interviews this time round if I hadn't already been working there. AND considering I was working there, they must have very little confidence in me to make me re-interview for my job for the upcoming year, and then NOT hire me.
Some say I shouldn't take it too much to heart, but I ask you, if you had to re-interview for your job, and then they chose someone else, how would you feel.
I can use the time to continue to work on my practice, which is the responsible, productive time to do, but right now I don't even want to speak with the interview committee (half of the social studies staff). Hard to invite those who determined that you failed back into your classroom for feedback. I'm open to the feedback, really, and I know it would be helpful, but I'm just so hurt by it all right now that I literally find myself actively avoiding them in the school right now.
Maybe I'll plan a lesson to beat all lessons and then invite them back. If it goes well it'll be my personal revenge...see what you missed...and if it goes bad at least I'll have feedback and a chance to get better. But I think I'm going to let myself be mad for a little while. I'm really not ready to face the firing squad yet.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Return Flight
The house is clean (unless you look too closely at the floors and other surfaces)
I actually have food, not just sugar, in my refrigerator again
The boyfriend is back from Israel (and currently sleeping off his 14 hour flight)
Lesson plans are, if not really written yet, at least formed in my mind
The wedding is delayed, most likely until next summer (I really don't feel like planning a wedding right now, and yet I want a summer wedding)
The house search is on hold because Gerd can't really get a loan (no credit at all)
I still have no idea what will happen about my job for the upcoming school year, and maybe that's okay right now
I actually have food, not just sugar, in my refrigerator again
The boyfriend is back from Israel (and currently sleeping off his 14 hour flight)
Lesson plans are, if not really written yet, at least formed in my mind
The wedding is delayed, most likely until next summer (I really don't feel like planning a wedding right now, and yet I want a summer wedding)
The house search is on hold because Gerd can't really get a loan (no credit at all)
I still have no idea what will happen about my job for the upcoming school year, and maybe that's okay right now
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Keep looking
Sometimes I find myself looking for something. I don't really know what, but I appear to be searching. Maybe it's that I find myself on the internet, and I keep opening a new search page, but I can't think of what site I want to go to.
Today I was in the grocery store and wandered down the isles like I would find something I was missing.
I really wonder what it is I'm looking for.
Today I was in the grocery store and wandered down the isles like I would find something I was missing.
I really wonder what it is I'm looking for.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Dreaming
I have a lot of dreams, both the awake kind and the asleep kind.
Last night I dreampt that I had to sell my house. I hadn't been in it for years and, in fact, it was a futuristic time travel experience, as if I'd been away for hundreds of years. I returned to check out my house only to find it was completely different. The floorplan was changed, there was a basement and a 3 car garage, no yard anymore, and a wall mounted TV that brought messages from some unknown enemy.
I feel like I should know what it's about.
When I found out I was pregnant I had dreams that I would wake up bleeding. I would dream that I was in the shower and I would look down to find blood in the tub. When I miscaried I was upset, beyond sad, but not surprized.
So much of my time I spend dreaming. I dreampt I could have it all. I found a house, planned a wedding, started searching for birth centers. I could tell you the color I would paint the living room walls, the color of the mountains just before the sun sets, and the type of crib I would buy for the baby (an Amby baby hammock in natural undied cotton).
This morning I woke up happy, for the first time in a while. And not just happy, exuberant. I felt free of dreams for a while. I was alright leaving dreams behind for a day. That's not how I ended the day, but it was a nice morning.
I spent the morning looking at open houses within the city. I'd thought I wanted to live outside of the city and recently realized I like being able to walk to my favorite markets. I love that there's an Ethiopian restaurant 10 minutes down the road, and that I can buy fresh bread just down the street. I would miss my victory garden.
But I decided to drive over to Cambridge and look there too. It's there that I got caught in Sunday traffic. By the time I got out of traffic I was full into crazy veteran mode, in tears, and very very alone. Gerd, by the way, is currently in Isreal.
I'm reminded that my mental state is always a bit precarious. I can wake up fine and go to bed sad, or find the opposite to be true. I can escape my dreams for a little while, but good or bad, dreams always come back.
Last night I dreampt that I had to sell my house. I hadn't been in it for years and, in fact, it was a futuristic time travel experience, as if I'd been away for hundreds of years. I returned to check out my house only to find it was completely different. The floorplan was changed, there was a basement and a 3 car garage, no yard anymore, and a wall mounted TV that brought messages from some unknown enemy.
I feel like I should know what it's about.
When I found out I was pregnant I had dreams that I would wake up bleeding. I would dream that I was in the shower and I would look down to find blood in the tub. When I miscaried I was upset, beyond sad, but not surprized.
So much of my time I spend dreaming. I dreampt I could have it all. I found a house, planned a wedding, started searching for birth centers. I could tell you the color I would paint the living room walls, the color of the mountains just before the sun sets, and the type of crib I would buy for the baby (an Amby baby hammock in natural undied cotton).
This morning I woke up happy, for the first time in a while. And not just happy, exuberant. I felt free of dreams for a while. I was alright leaving dreams behind for a day. That's not how I ended the day, but it was a nice morning.
I spent the morning looking at open houses within the city. I'd thought I wanted to live outside of the city and recently realized I like being able to walk to my favorite markets. I love that there's an Ethiopian restaurant 10 minutes down the road, and that I can buy fresh bread just down the street. I would miss my victory garden.
But I decided to drive over to Cambridge and look there too. It's there that I got caught in Sunday traffic. By the time I got out of traffic I was full into crazy veteran mode, in tears, and very very alone. Gerd, by the way, is currently in Isreal.
I'm reminded that my mental state is always a bit precarious. I can wake up fine and go to bed sad, or find the opposite to be true. I can escape my dreams for a little while, but good or bad, dreams always come back.
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