Here are the things that I'm learning

I've felt for a while that the last seven months were meant to be a teaching moment. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn, but i know good and well there are some lessons in this...somewhere. 

In no particular order

1) I've been told time and time again (and felt so myself) that we are one lucky double to be as well off financially as we are. The thing is, being fortunate doesn't mean my feelings are invalid. It's natural to worry about the future. I shouldn't berate myself for being worried just because I am fortunate. They are not mutually exclusive. People of all economic, or social demographics worry about different things. The emotion is the same, and I can be empathetic to anyone who feels stressed. I feel like I have more perspective on this now. When someone who has more than me worries, I can see that it can come from a place of insecurity. When someone less than me worries, I can know that worry can be all consuming. 

2) I know that it's pointless to worry. I knew that before, really. But I've come to a place where I can say, if I'm meant to loose everything I own, then that's the way it will go down. I'm not in control. I certainly hope that we won't loose it all, but anything in life is possible. It's through His grace that we've had what we have now. 

3) Insecurity and depression are areas I need to work on. This might just be a dry run. Someday the stakes could be higher. Someday my mother will pass. My children may have illnesses. I could get sick. In many ways I could face greater hardships. While I'm not glad to struggle now, how horrible would it be to face those things without any practice in dealing with misfortune?

4) I need to keep planning for emergencies. Maybe I won't ever be the most frugal person on earth, but if ever there was a time to recognize the power of a savings account, this has been it. Whenever my husband does have an income, I will be looking at ways to increase our monthly savings. I'm not sure what that will look like, but it needs to happen, even if that means someday I'll need to change my own employment. 

5) I need to find better (and more) ways to keep on giving. Thinking about what would happen, how life would be if we didn't have savings to fall back on (or another financial disaster looming around the corner) I've thought about how so many people live on the edge. While I still maintain that we are relatively middle class, maybe upper middle class, but certainly not rich, the number of true middle income earners has been dropping. Not many people could float as well as we have (or maybe they could and I'm being elitist?) and if we needed help, what is out there available. Donating kids clothes, giving foods to charity, supporting charity organizations, it's all part of our financial portfolio that I want to work on. Considering I'm also aiming to increase savings, it may take a while before I figure all of this to, but I am 100% certain there is more that I can do. And while I can forgive myself for not doing more now, I know that when things stabilize a little bit more, I will have the strength to add more to my to do list. 

6) it's okay to cut back on commitments when I'm stressed. Not everyone is going to understand why I do, but self preservation is important. There is only so much energy I can place into the world, and I'm okay with prioritizing. Maybe as I figure out life a little more other things will reach a higher place in my life, but I need to be emotionally healthy for anything good to happen. 

I'm sure there are more lessons to learn, but those are the ones so far. I remain hopeful for the job search to be over soon, and prepared for it to continue. 

The light?

So, I am knocking on wood, and crossing my fingers, but there is a chance that we are at the end of the job search. A 3rd interview scheduled next week (but with a different hiring manager??) any and all prayers would be appreciated!

Counting my Blessings

Sometimes I forget how very fortunate I am. I get bogged down in the daily grind. I get frustrated because life doesn't go just how I want it to go. I have dreams that remain unfulfilled, and that nag at me sometimes. It's hard to chase all of your dreams when your partner has different dreams than your own...

But I got a glimpse of how very lucky I am to have a husband like I do. 

My friend's daughter has been very sick. She caught pneumonia and was in the children's hospital for an entire week recovering. My friend, not quite a single mother, didn't leave the hospital the entire time. Her husband has been fighting to save their marriage after my friend decided she was done. His actions didn't match his words, and she was ready to move on. To help her, I've been checking on the cat, dropped by the hospital once for a visit (tried to go another time, but it's been a fast moving week). 

And despite his efforts to pull it together, I'm so glad my husband is better than that. 

Her front steps were not shoveled, nor was her driveway. He wasn't checking on the cat at all, I needed to go feed the cat daily. He may have offered to take over at the hospital, I wasn't there, but she never felt like she could take a break, he wasn't an equal parent. Simply put, he wasn't the kind of partner my husband is to me. 

It was a glimple of living on your own. Of being responsible for everything. Of not having someone to help deal with the ice, or move the food from the refrigerator into the freezer. Not having someone you can trust your children with for a while, while you take a shower or run outside for some fresh air or some coffee. 

So, my marriage might not be perfect (I suppose very few are) but it's a good marriage, to a good man, who I am extremely grateful to have found. 

Crunching Numbers

Logic doesn't have anything to do with the panic I am feeling tight now. Just found out Gerd's potential unemployment payout amount, and fear has taken over all rational thought. Now, I KNOW we are okay. We have savings that would supplement unemployment. Gerd is generally pretty employable (I believe anyway). We have a severance package, and a tax refund coming to us (someday soon I hope). But none of that helps me when I realize Gerd's income would drop to 1/4th what his current earnings are. 

What we could pay for using unemployment benefits:

Our mortgage and utilities

Health Insurance

Reduced transportation and gas costs (because I still need to get to work!)

Which is all the good news. 

What we couldn't afford 

Car payment

Life insurance

FOOD (not above because the $150 for gas and transportation wouldn't be sufficient for a family of 4 for a month)

Preschool tuition

Charity

Doctor's copayments or my mental health appointments

Car insurance

Kids supplies or activities

Spending money

Any vet bills or savings for eventual vet bills

Among many other luxuries. 

Now, we do have savings, which means we can get by for a while supplementing with what we have (if we even run past the severance package pay period) but I cannot imagine what we would do (or what others do) if they don't have savings. 

It makes me want to restructure our lives so we could live on less...but realistically the only way we could do that would involve me working more, or us moving into a much less comfortable neighborhood, or both. 

So I'm trying to be extremely grateful we are as well prepared for this as we can be. And I'm praying for a good job for Gerd. And I'm trying to just breath right now.