Looking Ahead to 40.

This month marks my self-imposed cutoff date. Well, I suppose I could extend one month, but right now, I'm not sure why I would. I decided that IF I would have another baby, I wanted it to be before my 40th birthday. Too many risks after that, and too much life to move onto. I wouldn't say I put much effort into making a 3rd child a reality, but the possibility remained. 

This week my hormones have been completely out of control. I suspect that as I get older, and my fertility window naturally begins to close, my PMS symptoms are worsening. I seriously entertained the thougt that this could be it, a 7th hour baby. But, no, I'm not pregnant, and I'm pretty sure having another child wouldn't be in the cards for us, even if I did extend my deadline. 

I have some melancholy moments, sad that I never did get the little girl I've always dreamed of having, but overall, I'm surprized to feel pretty okay with where I'm at. I suppose it helps to think that my body just got to an age where it isn't an option. Time just ran out. 

So I've decided to look at the positive and consider why I'm okay. 

1) Costs aren't going to go up. We are already juggling costs of an Au Pair and preschool, and all the other costs that go along with young children. We won't have to worry about that cost increasing even more. 

2) Gerd has more flexibility with his job. Working from home has been great for young children, and given my husband the flexibility to spend a lot of time with our twins. If I had had another child, I'm sure he would have wanted to hang onto his current job another year or two (and he still can) but he now can feel guilt free if another interesting job comes available. 

3) I can finally clear out my basement. In the back of my mind, I've thought that I shouldn't really get rid of any of our big ticket kid items, because what if I had another kid? Now I can really clear some stuff out that we won't need. It will definitely help with the Au Pair agency fee that we're looking at paying this summer. 

4) Traveling is only going to get easier. Since we make regular trips to see family, both in the states and abroad, travel is a big concern. We aren't going to have to worry about keeping twin preschoolers entertained while taking care of a baby. 

5) We can settle into a car of our choice. Maybe we will keep the CRV, or maybe we will trade it, but either way we won't be forced into a mini-van that neither of us really wants. 

6) I can finally look into a dermatologist and try to get adult acne under control. Many of the medicines are not okay if you're pregnant, so I haven't bothered, because if I did get pregnant, I would put a potential child at risk. 

7) In a similar vein, I can really start trying to put my body back together. I've been working out, but always cautiously, because even though logically exercise is good for you, emotionally I felt like if I didn't take it easy I might ruin my chances of getting pregnant. Gone are the excuses. 

8) I can start putting my own career back together. Right now I'm going with the status quo, but in a few years I'll be ready for a change, another baby would have delayed that change by another 2 years. 

9) Gerd and I can continue to carve out some time to be together without the kids. It's nice to go on a date sometimes!

10) I can finally let go of the dream. Hoping month after month is exhausting. I'll put an iud in and not wonder at the end of the month, could I be pregnant? I suppose it's hard to give up hope, but I'm working on changing my inner voice. 

It's the end of an age. I feel like the 30's were kind of a no mans land. Not quite young, not old, not exactly middle aged either. Staring at 40, it feels different. Instead of dreading it, I find myself looking forward to redefining who I am. I don't have to dread being middle aged, I simply AM middle aged. I hope to be a happy, active, considerate, giving, middle aged woman who is a loving mother, hard working employee, dedicated gardener, and good friend. Giving up on the dream of another child lets me focus on the me I want to become (well, as much as I can, I do still have young children!). I'm very happy to move into another phase of my life. 

Relieved to be paid in full

We made a very expensive mistake on our taxes a few years back and have been working at fixing it all. Finally, we have our penalty paid and we can move on. Such a relief. 

Living tight

Theoretically, we should be doing pretty well. While we have only 1 income (plus a very small second income from my part time work) we live in Boston.  I know where I could cut costs and live a little easier, but really, I'm fighting tooth and nail to make our money stretch where we want it to go. 

We will keep doing the following as long as it remains at all possible:

An Au Pair for this year, and potentially next year. It seems like the ultimate splurge, but the benefit of adding another German speaker to our household is huge. It's also a fairly affordable option for childcare. This year we paid the agency fee ($7000) from the proceeds of our house sale and then are only responsible for the monthly pay ($600) we give to Debbi. Sure, there are some hidden costs (like our car insurance rates) but other than that, we haven't seen a huge increase. Next year we will need to divide the agency fee into a payment plan, so our monthly cost will end up doubling ($1200) plus we will need to pay for preschool ($600-$900/month).  As we are deciding on preschools, we have pretty much realized that this will mean we can't choose some of our preferred programs, but we may be able to afford the public (lottery) program along with the Au pair, or 3 days a week at one of the more affordable nearby programs. We are also looking into ways to reduce the agency fee (finding someone who can come for 6-9 months instead of 12, or in-country transfers for someone who wants to experience a different setting). 

One trip to Germany a year. Well, this might be slightly adjusted. We may do one trip in 18 months. Our most recent trip was terribly expensive (flights alone ran up to $5000) since we now need 4 tickets. We will hold off until next summer, and make it a long trip. Summer trips are much easier, and much more fun. Gerd's grandmother is really starting to show her age (she's 101) but unfortunately, we just need to make the funding work. We said we would visit this summer is she was still hanging on, but I just don't see how we can make the money work, especially considering I don't get a salary in the summer. 

Organic food. Okay, I do compromise sometimes so that I don't dip into savings, but at least 80% of the time I buy organic. I'm now committed to also buying all non-gmo foods. This makes our food budget a bit higher than the average, but I'm pretty happy that we can feed 5 people and a cat on $800/month. Could I do better, probably, but it's a work in process. 

Charity. While we don't tithe a full 10%, we do tithe monthly. Our church does so many amazing things I want to continue to support their actions. 

Counseling. I need it, it makes me sane, therefore it stays in the budget. 

What we will give up:

Trips (like the one I'm on as we speak) that aren't to visit family. So far we have been able to carve out one vacation a year for just my husband and I. While they are budget trips, (everything must cost less than $1000, including travel, hotel, food, spending, car rental) it's still more than we will be able to spend in the next few years. Perhaps we can book a budget room somewhere within driving distance of our house or my mother's house, but our budget will be less than $200. No escape from the cold next year, let's hope it's an unusually warm winter. This will reduce our (enormous) travel budget from $700/month to $400/month. 

My gym membership. While it's great for me to exercise, I'm going to have to find new, less expensive ways to work out. Perhaps I can find a work out buddy, or pay for drop in classes, but I can't afford the  extra expensive right now. Because I currently am working with a personal trainer, this will save around $150/month

Eating out. Right now we have one date night a month, which I would like to keep, but it's not going to be to expensive restaurants. We also won't be able to just call for Chinese food when I'm too tired to cook (the danger of an autoimmune disorder). I will leave $50 in the budget for one very low cost date night and one "cheat night" if we really, really need it. This will save $100/month

Kids expenses. Diapers need to go. We will continue overnight diapers, but by 3, they need to stop using disposables during the day. We have cloth options if necessary, but it's just an expense that needs to go. Also, fun kid activities. Right now our kids are in 2 music programs, one in English, and one in German. They're also in a one day a week drop off program. This adds up to $250/month. 

Personal spending budgets. This will be my biggest challenge. I will keep some money in the budget, but I really need to reduce what I spend on myself. Haircuts, pedicures, clothes, a coffee with friends, I don't do this every day, but I almost always go over my $150 monthly allowance. My plan is to budget this with an envelope system and really stick to a smaller budget. This will save about $100/month. 

If you've added this all up, I'm now saving $900/month (plus the $600 we currently spend) so a total budget of $1500. Real cost will be $1800 to $2100 so I have a little work to do. I expect this to come from our savings/credit card bills/miscellany fund, or perhaps from savings. Or we cut the agency fee and it will work out fine... It's a work in process...