Joe's

I can't say it's in honor of Trader Joe's founder's death, but I did give a thought to the Aldi bigwig this weekend when I broke my own package rule. I've been trying to stay away from packaged foods, but I've decided that me eating a balanced meal that comes from a package is better than the alternatives. Alternative 1) I don't eat anything until I'm starving, and then consume whatever sweets or carbs I have in the house. Alternative 2) I go out to eat or order food in. Alternative 3) I don't eat at all.

It's nice having my garden, but I need to eat more of my own vegetables (although I've put away a bit of broccoli, chard, potatoes, and spinach). I'm in the middle of a couple of loaves of sourdough bread (they didn't rise very well though because it's not very warm today). And I've now added my newest "pet" in the quest for local foods...a pineapple plant. I have no idea how you seed a pinaple plant, but Trader Joe's had pineapple plants for sale, so I bought one. It tells me that in 4-6 months I'll have a pineapple (all I have to do is ensure it's temperature doesn't drop below 70 or go above 90. This is definitely an indoor plant.

No I wasn't paid for this blog (but wouldn't it be nice if I was?) Anyway, I just happened to have gone to TJ's today and am under no pressure or $ to advertise anything.

Bachelorette

Okay, so this is where I feel happy to be alone for a few days and then miserable for almost 3 weeks. When my husband goes on long trips I don't usually mind the first couple of days. I get to do what I want, eat when I want to, drive the car... but that lasts about 2 days. I hate going to be without my husband. I hope he has a good trip, but that he misses me in a few days too.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I can't complain, at least about my garden, we've had a nice season so far. Over the past few weeks I've picked about 8 tomatoes, with many more ripening on the fine. We've had 3 heads of broccoli, and more is still growing. Our spinach gave up a little early, but I collected enough to freeze about two cups of leafy greens and make two quiches. Our beans were doing very well last week and I got about 4 cups of beans before the cucumbers and tomatoes started to take over. They're still growing, but I'm not sure how many more beans we'll get. I've had enough Rainbow Chard to make at least 3 meals and set 2 cups aside in the freezer. We've also had about 4 HUGE cucumbers (that I still need to make pickles out of). I just harvested our garlic, and it's tiny, but it DID grow, despite being transplanted and grown by someone who didn't know to cut the flowers off early...



Here's a bigger overview of our garden, please ignore the pile of junk that's still eagerly awaiting being taken to a dump. I really will get around to calling a trash removal service one of these days...

(Our tomatoes are taking over the world...sort of)

Today we picked a few potatoes and our first ear of corn. Visiting my mother's house I got a little paranoid that squirrels would come snatch our corn away before we got a taste so I went ahead and picked an ear, even though I wasn't sure it was ready.

So this isn't the exact corn we cooked, I forgot to take a picture before hastily striping off the husk. I couldn't wait to see if we had real corn. We did! It was beautiful (even if a little small).

(This picture highlights our potatoes, newly knotwood free. We spend a couple of hours deknotwooding the back yard)


So what do you do with your bounty? Well, cook of course. I made a 95% local dinner tonight. The pork is from a local farm. In the vegetable mix there's a bit of squash we had delivered from Boston Organics (but it also comes from a local farm) and a few white beans I picked up from a group of Mennonite women at the local farmer's market (along with some of their "farm fresh" eggs). Other than the spices everything is from a 100 mile radius, and either bought outside of a regular grocery store or grown in our garden. Delicious!

Point of No Return

So, I realized after logging into my blog account, that the last post I wrote was of me struggling. I'm fine, which I'm sure you already knew. Everyone other than me seems to know that I'll bounce back okay. I, on the other hand, always worry that I've reached a tipping point.

Somehow I get scared that it *won't* actually be alright again. That I'll crack for real one of these times, and I won't be fixable. It's not exactly like I've been emotionally stable my whole life. I mean, I look back sometimes and cringe.

But slowly I'm starting to realize that it's not like that. Time and again I'm fine the next day, or the day after. I was talking to my dad last week and he said to me that he's surprised at how normal I've turned out. Of course he says that "considering you were raised by your mother". Sorry Mom, this is Dad we're talking about. He listed the things I've bounced back from, like, you know war and about 20 car accidents, and reminded me that somehow I have the emotional fortitude to recover.

So yep, I struggle sometime. And I use every tool I can to help me through difficult times (food, yoga, church, etc.) but in the end I'm going to be okay. There isn't a point of no return. I might wish that I wasn't such a roller coaster, but at least I don't have to worry that I'll go off the tracks.

Relapse

Well, it's 2am, I'm exhausted and can't sleep. I've had my emotional meltdown and my neck muscles are so tight it hurts to touch shoulders.

I can only surmise that this is a PTSD relapse. Not that I'm ever 100% good, but I've been okay, at least at 85% or so. I've been far, far better over the last few months than I have in the past few days.

I could say it's the fender bender I was in last week, perhaps the bump, little that it was, started me on the downward spiral. I have no idea what number this makes my list of accidents. I'm guessing we're now somewhere in the 20s, it's got to at least be over 15.

It could also be a more emotional trigger. 10 out of 14 staff members were laid off last week, and my job is only 80% secure (to pessimistic me I take that as 50/50). I just finished packing up all of my stuff from New Mexico, which makes Boston a lot more permanent. That isn't the comforting feeling I'd been hoping for.

Then there's the uplifting news that my cousin is having a baby, just when I find out that I'm not pregnant, once again. And also there's the stomach problems that have returned as soon as I restarted the herbal supplements I'd hoped weren't making sick (our last ditch effort before IVF).

It could be the stress of starting out a new summer session, trying to plan lessons that will engage students who don't show up during a regular school year, and a boss who gives lip service to supporting my ideas but is, in reality so bogged down in dealing with the layoffs there's not much he CAN do.

Perhaps it's the stress over getting my new car registered, in a different state so that we can get a title, and the length of time it's taking to get the kinks worked out. Or the paperwork for the accident, or any number or items on my to do list.

It's not like I've had much time to destressify either. Last weekend wasn't really the anniversary weekend we'd been hoping for. An annoying house guest and the untimely news of my cousin's bundle of joy made our first anniversary similar to our wedding, in love but pretty sad. [Now before I sound like I'm complaining too much, I've got an awesome husband who I love very much, and I'm so happy we got married and that we've been able to spend a wonderful year together. It's just that the moment's your supposed to cherish and remember forever seem to be ill fated. I highlight the issue only to say that it's possible that an anniversary gone array could also be a stressor]

There might have been earlier warning signs. I certainly have been forgetting to pack my lunch or take my vitamins. My patience has been a little stretched lately. I'm scheduled every night of the week for one thing or another, and today I didn't even get home from work until 7:30.

So I run through the checklist.

Getting exercise? Well, I did bike to work yesterday, but it's been a while since I did yoga. Do I try to leave work at 3:30 tomorrow to get to yoga by 4. Leave yoga by 5:30 to get to Stammtish by 6. Leave Stammtisch by 7 to get home by 8 so I can meet Thea and unload the trailer and find her a parking spot? Nope. Not getting enough physical exercise.

Getting food? New school location includes no food places nearby and no cafeteria. We've got a kitchen, but we can't leave food in the refrigerator overnight because some of the students steal anything edible, or so they say. 4 days in a row I've forgotten my lunch. Yesterday I bought two Reece's Peanut Butter Cups for lunch, sadly it was one of the better vending machine options. Nope. Need to make sure I've got food. Went shopping yesterday at 9:00 to ensure I had good lunch options and still forgot to bring my lunch today.

Getting sleep? Well, I'm up writing this aren't I. This is the single ptsd symptom that is easily identifiable. Totally exhausted but cannot fall asleep. Mind keeps spinning, usually on things that I'm trying not to worry about. It's also the symptom I can do the least about. I tried medicine once, still couldn't sleep, but added hallucinations to the mix. Nope, this one only fixes itself when everything else is okay.

Getting counseling? Nope. I actually pulled up our healthcare referral website yesterday hoping to find someone but I couldn't mess around with it long enough to find someone before I got pulled into a full day's worth of planning meetings. It's been too long. And up until recently I've been pretty proud of how well I was doing on my own. Just goes to show I shouldn't get too confident. Ever since I switched insurance I just haven't been able to find anyone to connect to. I've learned, like yoga classes, not all mental health professionals are created equal.

Knowing what to do doesn't always mean being able to do what's healthy. Somehow though, I've got to force myself to fall asleep tonight before a stressful day tomorrow (and it will be stressful) drives me even deeper over the edge.

In case you were wondering, I'm writing this in the hopes that getting it all out will finally help me sleep. Unfortunately I still can't get myself to keep my eyes closed. It's probably going to be a rough couple of days. Goodnight anyway, hope your sleep is far less disturbed than mine, sleep tight.

Back Home

Last night I got back from New Mexico, where it was hot and dry, and very dusty. Today in Boston it was hot and humid, and I'd rather deal with the dust.

I managed to get about everything on my list done, except the music and the zoo, but I did manage to sneak in a trip to the biopark. Too bad the miniature trains weren't running. I also pretty much took it easy at the SCA event. It would have been hard not to, cooking was out of the question, we had wind so bad it snapped my pavilion pole. Fortunately I wasn't in it at the time, but the duct tape did add to that SCA charm.

Gerd seemed to enjoy himself. We watched heavy fighting, melees, rapier fighting, grand court. I didn't attend a single class and the siege cooking was over before I had a chance to sign up. There was a phenomenal feast on Saturday night (they buried a cow and a pig and cooked them all day long). No bardic though, only one campfire was allowed due to fires in the area, and tht was reserved for the middle eastern dance party. Oh, and Aerikans enormous donation of alcohol to celebrate his knighting. He held a blender party...totally period margaritas and daiquiris .. :) I didn't last long and went to bed after a well proportioned strawberry daiquiris, but Gerd mentioned someone was carried around on a bed and other funny shenanigans did occur.

So when we got back at midnight I was pretty ready to sleep, except that it's so humid here and I'm not sure the air conditioning makes it to the 3rd floor. It was only when I woke up, or finally gave up trying to sleep, that I realized I had no idea where to go for work today.

Fortunately I chose the right location, although I did have to hang out for 2 hours to wait for my boss to show up, late, extremely late. And his boss, the soon to be president of the Boston branch of our organization was unpacking all of the kitchen boxes I'd packed before my trip. I ended up repacking all 8 bins with archived student files.

So real life fades back in again. Sigh...I really miss that dust.