Relapse

Well, it's 2am, I'm exhausted and can't sleep. I've had my emotional meltdown and my neck muscles are so tight it hurts to touch shoulders.

I can only surmise that this is a PTSD relapse. Not that I'm ever 100% good, but I've been okay, at least at 85% or so. I've been far, far better over the last few months than I have in the past few days.

I could say it's the fender bender I was in last week, perhaps the bump, little that it was, started me on the downward spiral. I have no idea what number this makes my list of accidents. I'm guessing we're now somewhere in the 20s, it's got to at least be over 15.

It could also be a more emotional trigger. 10 out of 14 staff members were laid off last week, and my job is only 80% secure (to pessimistic me I take that as 50/50). I just finished packing up all of my stuff from New Mexico, which makes Boston a lot more permanent. That isn't the comforting feeling I'd been hoping for.

Then there's the uplifting news that my cousin is having a baby, just when I find out that I'm not pregnant, once again. And also there's the stomach problems that have returned as soon as I restarted the herbal supplements I'd hoped weren't making sick (our last ditch effort before IVF).

It could be the stress of starting out a new summer session, trying to plan lessons that will engage students who don't show up during a regular school year, and a boss who gives lip service to supporting my ideas but is, in reality so bogged down in dealing with the layoffs there's not much he CAN do.

Perhaps it's the stress over getting my new car registered, in a different state so that we can get a title, and the length of time it's taking to get the kinks worked out. Or the paperwork for the accident, or any number or items on my to do list.

It's not like I've had much time to destressify either. Last weekend wasn't really the anniversary weekend we'd been hoping for. An annoying house guest and the untimely news of my cousin's bundle of joy made our first anniversary similar to our wedding, in love but pretty sad. [Now before I sound like I'm complaining too much, I've got an awesome husband who I love very much, and I'm so happy we got married and that we've been able to spend a wonderful year together. It's just that the moment's your supposed to cherish and remember forever seem to be ill fated. I highlight the issue only to say that it's possible that an anniversary gone array could also be a stressor]

There might have been earlier warning signs. I certainly have been forgetting to pack my lunch or take my vitamins. My patience has been a little stretched lately. I'm scheduled every night of the week for one thing or another, and today I didn't even get home from work until 7:30.

So I run through the checklist.

Getting exercise? Well, I did bike to work yesterday, but it's been a while since I did yoga. Do I try to leave work at 3:30 tomorrow to get to yoga by 4. Leave yoga by 5:30 to get to Stammtish by 6. Leave Stammtisch by 7 to get home by 8 so I can meet Thea and unload the trailer and find her a parking spot? Nope. Not getting enough physical exercise.

Getting food? New school location includes no food places nearby and no cafeteria. We've got a kitchen, but we can't leave food in the refrigerator overnight because some of the students steal anything edible, or so they say. 4 days in a row I've forgotten my lunch. Yesterday I bought two Reece's Peanut Butter Cups for lunch, sadly it was one of the better vending machine options. Nope. Need to make sure I've got food. Went shopping yesterday at 9:00 to ensure I had good lunch options and still forgot to bring my lunch today.

Getting sleep? Well, I'm up writing this aren't I. This is the single ptsd symptom that is easily identifiable. Totally exhausted but cannot fall asleep. Mind keeps spinning, usually on things that I'm trying not to worry about. It's also the symptom I can do the least about. I tried medicine once, still couldn't sleep, but added hallucinations to the mix. Nope, this one only fixes itself when everything else is okay.

Getting counseling? Nope. I actually pulled up our healthcare referral website yesterday hoping to find someone but I couldn't mess around with it long enough to find someone before I got pulled into a full day's worth of planning meetings. It's been too long. And up until recently I've been pretty proud of how well I was doing on my own. Just goes to show I shouldn't get too confident. Ever since I switched insurance I just haven't been able to find anyone to connect to. I've learned, like yoga classes, not all mental health professionals are created equal.

Knowing what to do doesn't always mean being able to do what's healthy. Somehow though, I've got to force myself to fall asleep tonight before a stressful day tomorrow (and it will be stressful) drives me even deeper over the edge.

In case you were wondering, I'm writing this in the hopes that getting it all out will finally help me sleep. Unfortunately I still can't get myself to keep my eyes closed. It's probably going to be a rough couple of days. Goodnight anyway, hope your sleep is far less disturbed than mine, sleep tight.