This week my hormones have been completely out of control. I suspect that as I get older, and my fertility window naturally begins to close, my PMS symptoms are worsening. I seriously entertained the thougt that this could be it, a 7th hour baby. But, no, I'm not pregnant, and I'm pretty sure having another child wouldn't be in the cards for us, even if I did extend my deadline.
I have some melancholy moments, sad that I never did get the little girl I've always dreamed of having, but overall, I'm surprized to feel pretty okay with where I'm at. I suppose it helps to think that my body just got to an age where it isn't an option. Time just ran out.
So I've decided to look at the positive and consider why I'm okay.
1) Costs aren't going to go up. We are already juggling costs of an Au Pair and preschool, and all the other costs that go along with young children. We won't have to worry about that cost increasing even more.
2) Gerd has more flexibility with his job. Working from home has been great for young children, and given my husband the flexibility to spend a lot of time with our twins. If I had had another child, I'm sure he would have wanted to hang onto his current job another year or two (and he still can) but he now can feel guilt free if another interesting job comes available.
3) I can finally clear out my basement. In the back of my mind, I've thought that I shouldn't really get rid of any of our big ticket kid items, because what if I had another kid? Now I can really clear some stuff out that we won't need. It will definitely help with the Au Pair agency fee that we're looking at paying this summer.
4) Traveling is only going to get easier. Since we make regular trips to see family, both in the states and abroad, travel is a big concern. We aren't going to have to worry about keeping twin preschoolers entertained while taking care of a baby.
5) We can settle into a car of our choice. Maybe we will keep the CRV, or maybe we will trade it, but either way we won't be forced into a mini-van that neither of us really wants.
6) I can finally look into a dermatologist and try to get adult acne under control. Many of the medicines are not okay if you're pregnant, so I haven't bothered, because if I did get pregnant, I would put a potential child at risk.
7) In a similar vein, I can really start trying to put my body back together. I've been working out, but always cautiously, because even though logically exercise is good for you, emotionally I felt like if I didn't take it easy I might ruin my chances of getting pregnant. Gone are the excuses.
8) I can start putting my own career back together. Right now I'm going with the status quo, but in a few years I'll be ready for a change, another baby would have delayed that change by another 2 years.
9) Gerd and I can continue to carve out some time to be together without the kids. It's nice to go on a date sometimes!
10) I can finally let go of the dream. Hoping month after month is exhausting. I'll put an iud in and not wonder at the end of the month, could I be pregnant? I suppose it's hard to give up hope, but I'm working on changing my inner voice.
It's the end of an age. I feel like the 30's were kind of a no mans land. Not quite young, not old, not exactly middle aged either. Staring at 40, it feels different. Instead of dreading it, I find myself looking forward to redefining who I am. I don't have to dread being middle aged, I simply AM middle aged. I hope to be a happy, active, considerate, giving, middle aged woman who is a loving mother, hard working employee, dedicated gardener, and good friend. Giving up on the dream of another child lets me focus on the me I want to become (well, as much as I can, I do still have young children!). I'm very happy to move into another phase of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment