It's an endless circle.
I need a job in which I'm feel like I'm making a difference. I'm not just plugging away at a desk, what I do matters.
Except lately, I haven't felt the same way. I get so stressed out trying to make sure I do a good job because teaching is so important. It matters that I'm prepared, that a lesson goes well, that I'm challenging my students. So if something goes wrong, I'm hard on myself.
I've been wishing for a job at Wal-Mart, or a video store. Or some other job that doesn't require me to change the world.
Except I know I'd get bored. And even if I did find a mindless job that made a difference I'd still get stressed, because it would matter. And if I had a mindless job I still might stress about making enough money or feeling unchallenged, or losing my job.
People tell me that teaching shouldn't be stressful, and that those who are too introspective about teaching don't last long in the teaching world. I can see the truth in it.
I love teaching. I love creating lesson plans. I love the atmosphere of learning, and the days when students show that they get something.
I don't love it when things go wrong. Teaching is also a lot of work, and it's work that you can't really put off for a day. Plus you have to keep going "on stage" so to speak, even when you don't have a good day.
And I mess up a lot
I misspell things on the board. I hate that, but it's pretty common considering I've always had trouble with spelling.
I've caught myself telling students the wrong thing, mixing up the Robber Barons and their stories is just one example. Sure I went back and corrected my mistake, but still. I'm very hard on myself when I make a mistake.
The question is, am I calling teaching into question because I didn't get the job? Because I might have to more to New Mexico to continue teaching? Because I really don't belong teaching? Because my insecurities are creeping up due to the unsettledness of my life?
Whatever the reason, I really wish I felt better about myself. I wish I could let my mistakes go. And I wish I knew what to do about the future.
2 comments:
As for why you're questioning your choice of career, my (uneducated) guess is that the answer to all of your questions is "yes".
Its good that you're questioning your choices, and trying to analyze where the bad feelings are coming from. Trust me, if you don't do that sort of reflection, then you end up in a vicious cycle of not liking what you do, subconsciouly sabotaging yourself, and then casting the blame for your underperformance back on the choice of job, which makes you not like it. I wish I could say that I didn't have that issue, but I'm constantly dreaming of buying winning lottery tickets (or hitting the NY times bestseller list...with one of my unpublished, unfinished book attempts, which get mediocre scores in contests, of course).
A break over summer might leave you refreshed (though I know you'll be job searching). And keep your eyes and your heart open for opportunities to do something you enjoy.
The catch is, I do like teaching. I love everything about it except being bad at it...okay, and the grading. I don't know a teacher who really enjoys grading.
When I don't feel prepared it's not that I wish I didn't have to be prepared every day, it's that I wish I were better at being prepared every day.
What won't leave me though is this sense that I'm not doing a good enough job. I'm not sure if I'd have the same problem in another field.
I think what it's going to come down to is this. Either A) I forgive myself for making mistakes and not being a great teacher (right now) and realize I WILL get better over time OR B) I find a job where, when I make a mistake, I don't beat myself up when I'm not perfect. My guess is though, that if I was a website designer and I flubbed something I'd still feel like a screw-up.
I feel so strongly about teaching that I would leave teaching if I knew, for sure, that I was an unsalvageable teacher. There are a bunch of bad teachers within our schools who refuse to leave, and I don't want to be one of them. But at least I WANT to be a good teacher.
I think I'm going to have to figure out how to forgive myself. Well, that, and maybe figure out how to spell.
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