Dreaming

I have a lot of dreams, both the awake kind and the asleep kind.

Last night I dreampt that I had to sell my house. I hadn't been in it for years and, in fact, it was a futuristic time travel experience, as if I'd been away for hundreds of years. I returned to check out my house only to find it was completely different. The floorplan was changed, there was a basement and a 3 car garage, no yard anymore, and a wall mounted TV that brought messages from some unknown enemy.

I feel like I should know what it's about.

When I found out I was pregnant I had dreams that I would wake up bleeding. I would dream that I was in the shower and I would look down to find blood in the tub. When I miscaried I was upset, beyond sad, but not surprized.

So much of my time I spend dreaming. I dreampt I could have it all. I found a house, planned a wedding, started searching for birth centers. I could tell you the color I would paint the living room walls, the color of the mountains just before the sun sets, and the type of crib I would buy for the baby (an Amby baby hammock in natural undied cotton).

This morning I woke up happy, for the first time in a while. And not just happy, exuberant. I felt free of dreams for a while. I was alright leaving dreams behind for a day. That's not how I ended the day, but it was a nice morning.

I spent the morning looking at open houses within the city. I'd thought I wanted to live outside of the city and recently realized I like being able to walk to my favorite markets. I love that there's an Ethiopian restaurant 10 minutes down the road, and that I can buy fresh bread just down the street. I would miss my victory garden.

But I decided to drive over to Cambridge and look there too. It's there that I got caught in Sunday traffic. By the time I got out of traffic I was full into crazy veteran mode, in tears, and very very alone. Gerd, by the way, is currently in Isreal.

I'm reminded that my mental state is always a bit precarious. I can wake up fine and go to bed sad, or find the opposite to be true. I can escape my dreams for a little while, but good or bad, dreams always come back.