Behind

I had a great post composed in my head a few days ago. It was something about the New England Aquarium, a very rude woman who seemed to believe that only children should enjoy the the feeling station, and who didn't seem to understand the importance of teaching her child to wait his turn. Seriously, do people somehow believe that learning should be limited to young children? How frightening it would be if children didn't learn that they can be lifetime learners. Anyway, a few days has taken out the steam of my subject. I can now look back and really, it wasn't worth getting so irritated now was it?

And then there was the post about nudity. My brother-in-law doesn't seem to mind if anyone sees his package, although after a brief discussion last Christmas he typically wears at least his underwear in unconfined spaces. Unfortunately that turned out to be him changing in the hallway of our bed and breakfast a few days ago. More discussion ensued and I became labeled a prude. I have to say, looking back, I probably could have been nicer in the way I discussed the issue. It's never nice to find out you're doing something culturally unacceptable. Somehow his offhanded remark struck me wrong however. And really, I didn't want to get thrown out of the hotel.

Our hotel is a whole post waiting to happen. I misread the website and we didn't have enough beds for everyone. After holding my temper and holding my own the brusque B&B owner and I came to an agreement that involved an air bed and discounted rates. Actually I think I handled myself about as well as I could considering we'd been traveling for far too long and everyone seemed unnaturally irriated for having to leave the house at 6:30 to make our plane on time.

And now we're in Arizona and it's a strange, strange experience. Was I really raised here? I've been gone so long I can't see things the same way anymore. I find that I don't miss it (because I don't know it) and yet I desperately miss it. And I miss who I was and who I might have been.

All the advice points to looking forward, not backward. Never look back, right? Except that's how we analyze. That's how we learn. That's how we figure out which direction forward really IS.

But looking back right now, I feel more lost than I did before. I don't think I really know who I am anymore.

Believe it or not, when I was growing up in the southwest I was more accepting of different people and different views than I am now. I was far more kind and less controlling. And I wonder, if I'd stayed in Tucson would I have ended up who I am today? If not, who would I be? And if there is some other way I could be, what would I want that to look like?