Never Know

This week a 19 year old singer/songwriter was killed by coyotes while hiking in Canada.

I've survived something like 10 accidents, including one accident in which we flipped off the side of the Rockies and dropped 250 ft. I've also survived an IED attack, mortar fire, and incoming fire while riding in a helicopter. Knock on wood, but so far I've been pretty resilient.

I recently told a coworker about my upcoming appointment for acupuncture and she wanted to know what it was doing for me. Reducing stress, reducing back pain, and regulating my cycles (so far I completely believe it's helping). But our conversation led me to mention my multiple near death experiences, to which she said that I must be meant to live. Surely there must be some reason I keep surviving, there must be something I'm supposed to do, or be.

I don't know. Right now staying sane and healthy seem to be about all I can handle.

When I was a child my mother claimed I was named by God. She said the name was given to her. It always worried me that I was supposed to live up to something, or there'd be some important task that I'd have to accomplish. Instead of being a blessing it was a responsibility for an unknown task.

Now, it could be that it hasn't happened yet, but I am more likely to believe that I should just go on about life as I should live it and be grateful for each day. Either I'll do something great or I'll just keep trucking along. I'm not looking for greatness and have no deep drive to leave a legacy.

But you have to admit that life if short, and it takes you in so many different directions (often at the same time) that you probably will never know what's meant to be and what just IS.

My grandfather started receiving hospice care this week. The family reckons that he's got about six months or so to live. Everyone is afraid to hope for more because, as time goes along, each day he lives gets harder than the last. Each breath is harder to draw. He has pulmonary fibrosis.

I consider my grandfather a great man. He hasn't changed the world and he's not famous, but he helped make my mother into a wonderful mother and he's an example I hope to live up to someday. I told him I wanted to come visit over Halloween, maybe I'd read him some scary story, and he said "What are you trying to do, scare me to death?".

So I didn't die at 19, or 21, or 33 and who knows if I'll make it to 87. Who knows if I'm supposed to be here or not, but I am. And all I want to do is be someone that does the right thing, always, even when it's difficult, knows God in whatever form I see him, and shows love to everyone, even the Boston drivers. And I'd like to get to the point where being this person isn't a challenge, it just IS who I am.