Dreaming

I've always been a dreamer, both the day and night variety. When I was in elementary school I was constantly getting in trouble for looking outside, not paying attention, doodling instead of writing, etc. While I could focus, I was just as likely to be wondering something or another while attempting to multi-task during math. It may very likely be why I suck at math.

For a while I kept a dream journal because I have such vivid dreams. I dream with all of my senses, sometimes cinematic dreams, often without myself staring as myself. Often I can find clues to my dreams in dream dictionaries, which appear to be spot on when I think about it. I dream of houses a lot, and water too. Recently I had a tooth dream.

But recently I've been having nightmares. As a rule I don't get nightmares which makes three nights of nightmares even more disturbing. The first night was the worst. Blood everywhere, murder, a stalker, imprisonment, abandonment and so on. I actually woke up in a cold sweat and tried to go back to bed to dream myself out of the badness.

The next two nights can't technically be described as nightmares. Nobody died, was physically injured, abused, etc. These were relationship dreams, the kind where your boyfriend does something stupid, breaking your heart, and then you wake up mad even though you know they never would have done x, y or z, but still you can't help being ticked off.

Last night, for instance, Gerd's French dream model ex-lover found Gerd's non-existent blog asking her to move on and forget him, and showed up to begin a lasting "friendship" wearing some slinky thing. She operating a non-profit clothing store in a penthouse apartment that extended through three different Back Bay buildings and lured him with seductive glances. Even in my dream I knew he wouldn't cheat on me, but I could feel the chemistry between the two and he kept referring to their one and only spontanious weekend together years ago. In the dream it sounded oh la la.

It didn't really matter to me in the morning that:
a) The woman doesn't exist
b) Even in the dream he wouldn't have cheated
c) We have a wonderful, loving relationship

I still woke up jealous.

So, the only think I can think of is that I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a real honest to goodness life-long mate I never thought I'd find, my own insecurities, and the fear that it could all come crashing down sometime. I mean, hey, I've been here before right? Well not really, even with Marlon, my ex-fiance, I never felt so permanent before.

So why am I dreaming disaster?