Free

I feel free. I haven't felt free in a long time, and I'm not really sure why I feel so today. It's not like I think about being free on a regular basis. I mean, sometimes being tied to your life feels good too. But I've been so worried about jobs and the future that I've been in perpetual stress for the past 5 months. I don't know if I just woke up and said it's okay, but somehow that's how I feel today.

At work I didn't worry about the interview for next year's position. Instead I focused on my own practice and what I can do right now to use this time. I have a wonderful opportunity to become a better teacher. I'm working in a fabulous and supportive school. I have students who do their homework. I have students who can read at, or even above grade level. Discipline problems are almost non-existent. What better time to focus on instruction? For so long my teaching had to be focused on discipline and basic skill building. Now I can actually teach.

And sometimes I'm afraid that I can't teach...that I'm not ever going to get good enough. But today I brushed that fear aside too.

I don't know if it was the sunshine today, or that it's Easter weekend, or that my hormones finally calmed down, but somehow today feels different.

I feel like I've cracked my shell open.

And best of all, I finally free of the Army. I think some piece of me has been worried that somehow the Army will force me back in again somehow. I know it wasn't rational, but it was there.

Today I feel like the person I was when I graduated from High School. I'm slightly ditzy, disorganized, and even (to a certain extent) innocent. At least for the moment I've left the guilt and shame of all the years roll off of me.

Do I think I'll feel this way tomorrow? Well, that would be nice. Probably not going to happen, but it would be nice. I hope that, even if I wake up worried again tomorrow, or some other day, which WILL happen, that I will at least remember what this day feels like.