Already gone.

I keep looking at houses.

Recently i found a house that, assuming it was in good in person as it was online, I would have been willing to sell our house for and move now. Despite knowing that we are going to move somewhere, sometime, we are not looking forward to the actual getting the house ready, listing it, packing, etc. especially in winter. 

It sold before we could look at it. I'm equal parts sad and relieved. 

I did learn a thing or two in this recent search. I thought I wanted to find a house that would cost less, make us more financially secure. Well, who wouldn't, right? But it's not possible if I want to live somewhere a good long time. We looked at one house that was small, cute, and totally possible. Then we looked at a house just barely out of our price range. In a few years, it probably would be a good deal for us, compared to private schools, but not now with a part time nanny and the upcoming cost of preschool. But it, along with the unseen house, is actually where I want to live. 

If we get in a position that we must move quickly, the less expensive house would do. But really, I can't see giving up the space we have and the ability to walk everywhere, for something kind of blah. 

So while I'm probably not going to be done looking at houses anytime soon, I realize that I'm only looking for a miracle right now. The house that would be worth it. And when I find it, there better be a garage is all I'm saying. A garage and a large laundry room, and a room for my own office. 

Working Again

I'm really so glad to be working again. It's wonderful to have something outside of the home to engage in. It is, however, hard work getting my brain to function again. I guess two years has been quite enough time to remove any muscle memory. I make up for a trained brain by spending much more time writing lesson plans than I ever have before. It's going well though. I didn't think I wanted to teach again, but I'm enjoying having students again. I love ESOL. My students really want to learn, and are quite forgiving if I mess anything up. Not that I would ever make a mistake. Teaching English... Otherwise the twins are growing like weeds. Not really talking yet, which has our doctor a little concerned. We aren't freaked out yet. We are surviving winter without a driveway. I still want to move, and we are narrowing neighborhoods down for our potential move in a year or two. Even if I get a full time job, it's unlikely that we can afford private school tuitions and afford to save up for college tuition. The local Catholic schools are very affordable, but they've just adopted a new curriculum from Pearson Education that I am diametrically opposed to. Unless our views change, we are likely to end up in Milton, which has a French Immersion program that sounds interesting. At least it's something to look forward to if we are a) in the suburbs and b) in public schools (it's one of two in the state, with only a handful of programs like it in the country). Well, time to go make dinner. I escaped for a few minutes to unwind, but duty does call. Love my kids, but I am WORN OUT. Part time work is like the Army reserve. Part time really is more like full time responsibility, and kids are full time, so it's like two full time jobs.

Fall

For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to cooler weather. Not cold mind you. I'm still not ready for that. But autumn with the changing of the leaves, crisp air, pumpkin spiced everything... I really can't wait. I almost bought a pumpkin at the store yesterday figuring it could be a pre-decoration.

Right now, dare I say it? I'm actually content. For the past few years I've wanted to move, find a new career, change our family life (try for one more, without drugs?) suburbs, houses, warmer weather, garages. I've had a laundry list of wants. 

Perhaps I'm so looking forward to a new season because it's a new start. It's a new start in a place I'm going to be for a little while. Somehow my thoughts have shifted. I see the blessings in my life, and I want to enjoy them. 

I have made a few tentative decisions too, which might help. No expensive school for me now. I'll take a 14 week paralegal course though that will ensure that I'm employable, when the time is ready. I'm looking at early pre-school with the hope at it will work out. If it doesn't, that's okay too. I've cut out budget down as much as possible, and we might just be able to breath again. That doesn't hurt for a more positive outlook either. 

We still might make some major changes, but I'm actually at a place where I can imagine being happy here for a while. And instead of dreading the change in weather, I'm rather looking forward to it as a new adventure. (and I'm still in denial about winter). 

Chasing the Dream

So after I found out that my mind-blowingly bad news that I didn't get this job I wanted wasn't as bad as I thought, I felt a little better, but still at a cross roads of my life. 

Big changes are coming. It might take a few years, but they're on the way. I can feel the wind in my hair. 

Place:  we are thinking of moving. No real news there, we want to move before the kids go to school. While the local Catholic school remains a real option if we do decide to stay, something about it just doesn't hit home, at least not yet. Where we are thinking of going is a work in progress. Montreal is on the list. So is Leipzig. 

Just when I start to enjoy a place, make friends, I think about moving! But many of my friends will also move, and I can't plan on life being the same in 2-3 years. We can always back out if the thought of going far sounds terrible when the time comes. If we decide to stay we will move to a nearby suburb, Belmont or Newton or Arlington, or less preppy neighborhoods if we do decide on one of my top 3 private schools. 

Purpose: I want to go back to school. I can't quite decide in what, but I've done some self reflecting a d come up with my two passions. 

1) Nutrition. Not in the sense of helping women at Jenny Craig (although I appreciate people who do). Not in the sense of becoming a chef. I'm not a great cook to begin with, and the hours are pretty terrible. Not in the sense of farming. I love to grow things, but I'm kind of ambivalent about weeds. No, more along the lines of, I want to work with children to ensure they get a good education. I want to work with the environment to ensure healthy options that are more local and sustainable. I can imagine working with prenatal patients, or postnatal nursing, or children, or somehow being a food activist. 

2) Helping people overcome obstacles. This used to make me think I should be a social worker, but I've since had concerns about how that would affect me. I think too much of me would be invested in it all, and right now my children need as much of me as they can get. Instead I've been seriously thinking about Physical Therapy. The idea started with a thought that I'd like to help veterans who have come back worse off than me. Truth is, I hope we aren't at war by the time I would fill the 7 years it would take to get there. But I like the idea of helping someone get stronger again. And this is a profession that actually earns some money. 

The big thing here is, can I do these things in the places I'd like to live? 

I'm just starting to explore my options. I have concerns about all options. It's been 20 years since I last took a standardized test (not including teacher certification exams, which are generally pretty basic). I could go to school in Boston, way, way, too many schools around here anyway, and then move to Germany, stay, or move to Montreal. I could take prerequisites and go to school in Montreal. cost is a huge factor. The PT program, not including prereqs, at least in Boston, would cost $106,000 over 3 years. Nutrition at Tufts would run around $70,000 for 2 years. At these costs I'd better have enough earning power to pay for the costs before our children would need to go to college!

So I'm still exploring. But I know I want to do something. My brain has gotten a bit mushy over the past few years and I'm really excited about studying again.  

Failure

I have very thin skin. Rather, I should say my ego is fragile. I did not get a job I applied for, and to explain the whole thing is both too complex and painful to go into right now, but basically I'm feeling a bit like a complete failure right now. I really miss being good at something. I miss people having confidence that I will do something well. I miss feeling like I have talent at something. Parenthood is not exactly an ego booster. Self doubt, lack of sleep, and unexplained bouts of crying don't exactly make me feel like supermom. But as a parent I have a new vantage point. How would I want my children to see me take failure, and how do I want them to deal with disappointment. I'm still processing all of that, so I'm not sure of the answer. For now though, perhaps failure is an opportunity. I can consider how a person should overcome a mistake, and work on that a little before my twins are old enough to need some advice. As for jobs, perhaps one lesson I can learn is to forget about being good at anything. I'm probably going to feel bad at everything I do. I'm sticking with the idea of just continuing to do the things I like to do, and maybe that will take me somewhere someday.

Dieting

I'm not much of a dieter. Most of my life I've been pretty thin and could eat whatever I wanted without consequence. A bucket of red vines, no problem. French fries and a shake for dinner, no problem... And then I had twins. At first I was loosing weight pretty easily. I wasn't nursing, but pumping provided the same weight loss benefit. But then I stopped pumping, and while I *was* only 8 lbs over my prebirth weight, I'm inching back up to 15lbs over. Is 15lbs going to kill me, no. Do I like the way I look? No. I have a belly and I'm not too happy about it. So I've been doing a lot of research. I already eat pretty healthy, so I'm not entirely sure what I should do. One thing I've noticed is that I'm always hungry. In fact, I've always kind of been like that. I graze all day, and eat small meal portions. I started running, but that hasn't helped at all either. According to different sights, I should be eating around 2000 calories to maintain my current weight with my current level of activity. Since I want to reduce my weight, that amount should drop to 1500. According to low grain diets, I shouldn't need more than 100 grams of carbohydrates a day, and if the Palio diet is to be believed, I should be able to get this all from vegetables and fruits. I like some of the ideas behind the paleo diet because you don't have to count calories, and you aren't supposed to get hungry as often. I've thought for a while that our grain intake doesn't match a sustainable food model, but let's face it, bread is soo good. Not to mention muffins, pies, cookies, even just pie crusts! No, I can't entirely believe that the Palio diet is completely right. I wouldn't want to give up everything that I love. Sure, for a few weeks, but long term... I think not. Plus, why is coconut butter alright on this plan, but peanuts aren't? I think there are a few flaws in the system, and a few compromises that paleo experts don't want to admit. Let's face it, cavemen weren't using olive oil any more or less that they were drinking cows milk. But I like the idea of a 80/20 plan. 80 percent of the time you eat within the confines of the diet and 20 percent of the time you splurge. in a traditional diet I would get 300 grams of carbohydrates a day. I think that gives me 200 grams of carbs a day that I could play with, at least 2 out of every 10 days, right? So I think I can't really go wrong if I: A) keep calories at 1500/day B) keep carbs at 100-300 grams/day C) save grains for every 4 days D) go back to drinking raw milk/raw milk products E) keep exercising. 3x + a week Now how to keep track of it all?! No way am I joining weight watchers for 15lbs. I don't like their point system anyway (my cousin had a pickle for dinner so she wouldn't go over her points when she had a beer later that evening, and point wise she was fine...). Maybe if I just make a meal plan and stick to it? I think this is going to suck. But I really, really want to stop the weight gain before it gets worse!! So here goes nothing.

Another car decision

It seems like car decisions are the topic du jour. we need to decide what to do with our car situation. Right now, this very moment, our cars are costing us nearly $1500/ month. What!

Breakdown:

Yaris: $175/month
CRV: $270/month
Parking: $525/month (notice given to parking spot A, so should go back down to $275)
Insurance: $400/month (also should go down now that Passat plates have been turned in)
gas: $100/month
EZ pass: $10/month (or so)

If we got rid of one parking spot we reduce ourselves down to $1230/ month. We can also bring insurance down to around $300/month...$1130/month. BUT if we get rid of the Yaris, we reduce everything exponentially.

CRV: 270
Parking: $275
Insurance: $250
Gas: $100
EZ Pass: $10

We're *only* at $900/month then. $350/ month savings or $4200/year.

So why don't we just go down to one car? Well, because my husband will get a new job someday, even if it is within the same company. We owe $5000 on the Yaris, and it's financed at 0% interest.  We have about 2 more years of payments and it will be paid off. If we sold it, we would probably get $8,000, so we could have $3,000 for a downpayment someday, but another car would probably not be as inexpensive, and I bought this car with the idea that we would keep it for a long time. Plus it's great in the city. If we sold it, and then a year later, or even 2 years later, we needed another car, we would be kicking ourselves because other payments would be higher. And I love my little red car!

On the other hand, if you add up the $3000 from the sale, and the monthly savings, we would be at $7200/year.

The realities of one income are kicking in. I can keep my babysitter, or my car, or my organic food, or our current amount of travel, but I can't have it all, and build any savings! This is so frustrating!