Gay pride day and a panic attack

Sometimes I forget that I really do have Post Traumatic Stress. I can go months without any real problems. Sure I get stressed on a regular basis, but mostly it's manageable, or at least not anything worse than others go through.

But then there are the days that remind me that I have a problem. Today was one of those days. It started out okay, I began to substitute teach for CFS again, in a 3rd grade classroom. They had an assembly today, a Gay Pride Day assembly with the entire school and guests from the community. While I never deal well with crowds I was doing pretty well. We got through songs and speeches, but during the last song, We are Family, as everyone began to form a conga line someone set off firecrackers.

Fireworks of any time are a horrible trigger for me. I know I shouldn't break down in tears, it's not even logical that I have such a hard time with them. In Iraq I never even flinched as mortar fire came down. Still here I freak out, which I did as I tried to flee the gym before breaking out in tears. I almost made it, but not quite.

I don't know what's worse the knowledge that I can't control my own reactions to a perfectly safe sound or the embarrassment of others seeing me loose my cool. Perhaps it's the fear that people will believe that I'm damaged, which of course I am, but I don't want to admit, or it's a feeling of failure that I wasn't able to take care of myself enough to prevent the situation from occurring.

If I was dealing with the stress of not finding a job and of writing my thesis better would I still have broken into tears at the sound of poppers? If I were exercising regularly and meditating would I still panic? I know healthy things for me to do and yet I don't seem to do them.

The school nurse suggested a shot of Ecstasy. Really. Apparently clinical trials show that one dose of the drug eliminates PTSD. I'm a bit sceptical of any easy fix, although it would be nice to never have to deal with panic attacks again. I'm more likely, however, to continue to try my more holistic approaches.