In medieval dancing "improper" refers to the order of women and men within a set of dancers. In "proper" form women all line up on one side while in "improper" sets every other couple switches places...man, woman, man, woman, man woman, and so on.
I'm not entirely sure why it's improper, but I suppose it relates to the medieval sense of order and propriety.
But I've been wondering lately about the difference between proper and polite.
I was raised to be polite, but not necessarily proper. I don't think there's a proper bone in my mother's body. Raised on a farm, a Navy veteran and a lawyer, she never has attempted, or desired to fit into a "proper" role.
That does not mean she is impolite. I was taught that thank you letters and Christmas cards and nice conversation with the grocery store checkout clerk are all things that our family does because we are a devote Christian family who values the ideals of Bible and Church.
But I think there's some overlap between polite and proper.
For instance, is a Christmas card polite or proper? We send cards because it's what people do. If it's what people do, isn't that proper? I could easily NOT send cards and still be polite to my friends and family. But without showing everyone that I'm thinking of them during the holidays aren't I being a bit impolite as well?
My step-sister never misses a birthday, a holiday, or a thank you note. I wish I could be so organized and devoted. I *sometimes* remember Christmas cards and thank you letters (although I usually at least make a thank you phone call) and I'm terrible about birthdays.
I guess I'm concerned when I forget cards or presents or birthdays that I'm not living up to some standard I expect of myself. To which I say, do I really care about being proper? I guess I care more than I thought I did.
And I wonder, if I have children, what I would teach my children about "proper". I would hate to limit my children, which to some degree I think of with "proper", but I would also want my children to be polite (in society's eyes as well as my own). Fortunately I have some time to think about it all.
2 comments:
I don't think I was raised to be proper. Polite is a stretch some days. Not that my parents taught me to be rude, but rather that I have trouble sometimes saying the "polite" thing when its not really what's on my mind. I'd never make it in sales or politics (which are very similar professions, IMO).
I also have some views on cards and things that are potentially rather odd. And certainly improper. I do try to send them, because I gather that other people expect it. Not because I expect a card from anyone. Nor would I ever expect that someone expects a card from me. And since the task of addressing Christmas cards is a mindless and easily automated task, I don't generally feel that there's anything personal about it. Do I really think about each and every one of the 80 or so families I send a card to? Well, for the 60 seconds or it takes me to print their address on an envelope and stuff it. And, as if I haven't beat this horse to death yet, I tend to feel a bit intrusive forcing a long letter and photos of my children upon some of our "christmas card list" folks. Folks who wouldn't actually recognize us on the street should we run them over with a stroller.
As for thank-yous, I actually get annoyed when I receive a written thank-you when the receiver opened the gift in front of me and said Thank you. Did they forget I was there? Think I am deaf? Or just a simpleton who needs concepts reinforced. Or maybe I accidentally dropped my credit card in the box by mistake, and they've been on a spending binge. Saying it again and paying the post office to deliver it is overkill. And I'm sure the same people who do that get annoyed when I don't return the favor.
Can't win. Not going to fight. Hurrah for impropriety :)
I'm right there with you. I wasn't raised to be "proper" but polite was a huge emphasis, and I'm starting to realize that some of my mother's underlying issues with propriety (you should have known the rest of my family while I was growing up) may have influence her emphasis on "polite" behavior.
I don't like the expectation of cards and notes, etc., but I seem to feel bad about myself when I don't do them. I'm starting to realize there's something more to this than just cards (this all started when I realized I missed my step-nephew's birthday).
Somehow I need to learn to say screw proper, and maybe even screw polite, I'm okay with my choices. We'll see how that goes.
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